Should I pretend I NEED my husband?!

[Anonymous]

I make good money, am fairly emotionally independent, not whiney or clingy, paid my kids college tuition out of my salary and am expecting a nice inheritance, have a low sex drive. Arguably, I don't need my husband either. Love to travel by myself, including internationally, fixed our plumbing last year by watching YouTube. I tend to invent elaborate yard projects so that my husband feels like I need him (laying pavers, building a tiki bar, a fire pit, walls, etc). I confess that it's a bit like big the things I used to do when toddlers wanted to help with the cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good, that means you won’t be seeking alimony when you get a divorce

Nobody is getting alimony anymore, maybe for a few years if you quit working.

This is not true. I was married for 24 years and got alimony for life. Most modern marriages it probably does not apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good, that means you won’t be seeking alimony when you get a divorce

I missed where OP says she needs alimony or even wants a divorce. Plenty of us are financially self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the easier route to figure things out on your own vs. Letting him help you with things you say he has been doing since the beginning as man of the house?

Because I don’t like waiting for him to do it I guess . I’m missing that virtue.

[Anonymous]

I set up all the animal food on auto ship and when he said he was gonna go get dog food I said no need it will be delivered tomorrow and silence.

[Anonymous]

I can cook and do the laundry. My wife is terrible at providing emotional support. Should I pretend I need my wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice to feel wanted/needed. At least a little.

Tell him you still need him to lay the pipe.

This could be outsourced if required.

[Anonymous]

Needed = appreciated
Don’t we all need to feel appreciated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can cook and do the laundry. My wife is terrible at providing emotional support. Should I pretend I need my wife?

No. But you should find something you appreciate about her and make sure she knows how much you appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is starting to really bother my husband that I don’t need him. Through the years I have become more and more independent and self-sufficient. In the beginning he was definitely the man of the house and I looked for him to help me with many things. But I’ve chosen the easier route by googling and looking on YouTube to figure things out on my own. I’ve become the queen of the castle and when he tells me I need to do such and such I respond with, “it’s been done”. His response seems a little perturbed. Should I just pretend that I need him??

More time to do fun stuff together then!

But are you sure he even notices or gives it a second though? My H would not, he’d be like one less thing to get reminded of to do in life. He’d also never show appreciation or say thank you. Ever.

If your H says Thanks most of the time or acknowledges positively your actions that’s great! I doubt he’s steering about anything. If he is stewing, he should step up and do things or divide them up and each person does them over the next 2-4 days.

My H also now has to put a time frame on when he will do things, too many riddles otherwise and nothing getting done but him inciting arguments and semantics.

[Anonymous]

I never needed the typical manly things from my DH except for carrying heavy things like lumber and mowing the lawn as thats exhausting for me. He is not handy and I've always done the plumbing, remodeling, ikea furniture etc. i enjoy all those things. I do need him to shuttle kids to activities and do half the bedtimes and cleaning up everyday and sorting taxes and planning vacations etc since there are too many of those things for one person. He does all of those things and more. And I want him for companionship, as a partner in life and in parenting and I appreciate all he does for our family and show him and tell him. I can snake a drain and know where the electrical panel is if I'm fixing an outlet.

[Anonymous]

I'm still stuck on him telling you you "need to do such and such." What does that look like?

Also, no, being independent isn't nearly as toxic as being codependent, if for no other reason than you aren't dragging someone else down. Plenty of people are threatened by a competent, independent partner; it's the being threatened that's toxic, not the independence. Now, if you are incapable of asking for help when you obviously need it, that's one thing, but that doesn't sound that's what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

A husband here. Being in a relationship is about working together as a team and having a shared life together. I met a lot of these "independent woman" types when I was dating. They were quick to tell me how financially independent they were, what school they attended, degrees, etc., it was a turn off. I was also looking for companionship, not into an ego measuring contest...

No, no one wants a honeydew list; build a fun interesting life together - who cares "how much you make" or that "mommy and daddy plan to leave me a small fortune." Leave the youtubing to the local handy person, and find some shared interests - gardening, biking, swinging, whatever... Then you'll ending up <gasp> caring about each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice to feel wanted/needed. At least a little.

Tell him you still need him to lay the pipe.

This could be outsourced if required.

Ture, but that's more work than is necessary. She can get the D right at home with very little work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice to feel wanted/needed. At least a little.

Tell him you still need him to lay the pipe.

+1

Don't we all pretend to need them??