How to stay interesting?

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid-30s, and always feared about being that kind of mom- always talking about the kid (I do think, however, this is largely an American thing as well; not sure if that's something you've picked up on since you said you've travelled a lot). I have an equal amount of friends that have kids, don't have kids, and don't want kids, and my friends with kids were always friends first outside of their kids (before I had mine)- and happen to be similar to me- have careers and interests outside of their family life. We have "playdates," but the kids play, and we talk about work, friends, places we want to go, current events. I don't go out of my way to make new friends because my kids play with theirs.

If you're friends are all SAHMs then I can see how this would be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Have hobbies outside of your kid that you make time for. I know it's hard early on, but my kid is now 4 and I've found time for various hobbies each week. Some of them my daughter can help with (gardening), and some she can't, but they are important to my mental health. Taking time to think and engage in something other that parenting is both good for you and keeps you from only having that one thing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

It's such a strange experience, performing motherhood among other parents. I like being a mom to my kid and the relationship we have. But I don't like being in the "mom" category because it's not how I define myself at all. I don't want to talk about parenting at all with other parents, it's so dull. Like I am living it, can we talk about something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's such a strange experience, performing motherhood among other parents. I like being a mom to my kid and the relationship we have. But I don't like being in the "mom" category because it's not how I define myself at all. I don't want to talk about parenting at all with other parents, it's so dull. Like I am living it, can we talk about something else?

Can we be friends?

[Anonymous]

I have 1 daughter, toddler age. Sometimes it's hard for me to find stuff to talk about with people that isn't kid-related. I think it's mostly covid - travel and overseas living was a huge part of my life and identity before and i often talked about that. I also had a bigger group of friends before and had larger gatherings, which make it easier to let others lead the conversation.

OP, I wanted to focus on this part of your post. I think the first thing to consider is: were people interested when you talked about your travel and life overseas before? I know those seem like obviously interesting topics, but as someone who is very well-traveled, I have realized in the last few years before Covid that the way most people talk about that stuff isn't interesting. In DC, in particular, travel is kind of a competitive sport and I realized that talking about travel sometimes takes the joy out of it for me because so many people here are just interested in proving how "worldly" they are, and in doing so come off as status-obsessed and dull.

Which gets to my point. What you talk about is not nearly as important as how you talk about it.

The reason I find talk of kids tedious at times is because many parents talk about their children and parenting in the same miserable way. Either it's "my kids are a pain, I'm so tired, I just need a break" or, just as bad, "my kid is a genius, he's thriving at school, we're thrilled all the time." In both cases, the subject isn't really children or parenting. It's the speaker -- they are communicating that they are miserable or they are proud and that's the end of conversation. They could just as easily be complaining about an office job (and likely did, before the kids came along) or bragging about their most recent trip to New Zealand (and likely did before they were toting their kids along with them). They are choosing the dullest possible approach to the subject and demonstrating that they have little curiosity, open-mindedness, or expansiveness. There are probably astronauts who bore people when they talk about their experiences in this way.

Here's the child/parenting stuff I looove hearing about and I think can be interesting to anyone:

- Child development, like how kids acquire complex knowledge like spatial awareness and language. It's fascinating! How do they go from learning sounds to words to meanings to speaking? And from there you can talk about stuff like how deaf children acquire language or how children of bilingual families acquire language. It's interesting. And you have a front row seat.
- How children experience adult activities and shift our experiences of those activities. My kid experiences music, being outdoors, going to the grocery store very differently than I do. It produces hilarity (their observations are gold) but also challenges my own thinking. My kid asked me the other day why we always like to go to different places to hike all the time instead of revisiting our friends (by which she means the trees and animals and bugs) at the places we've been before. It was sweet and endearing and also kind of an indictment of that human impulse for novelty. Interesting!
- On a personal level, parenting identity and experience. Your post was interesting to me on multiple levels and sparked a conversation about Kierkegaard! People's lived experience is fascinating, especially when they bring some level of thoughtfulness to it. I would love to talk to an acquaintance about how becoming a mom shifted our perceptions of self. I would also love to discuss how societal ideas about the value of women and specifically mothers play into those feelings -- is motherhood dull or do we just live in a culture that treats it that way?

[Anonymous]

Those early years, I think it's easy to feel a bit consumed. But now my kids are just a little bit older (3 & 6) and I'm getting ready to start some online classes in topics that interest me.

I also would recommend reading a news periodical that covers a wide variety of topics (like The Week) as I always find interesting articles to discuss.

[Anonymous]

You all need to get some real problems, seriously. What a bunch of naval gazing drivel.

[Anonymous]

The difference is just your job, right? I mean, if your job was the only interesting thing about you before then you were boring anyway. Switching that to baby doesn’t make you less interesting. Follow your interests and let them lead you to new experiences.

[Anonymous]

I think you should stop worrying about being interesting as a first step! Instead do stuff that interests you and remain curious about others’ experiences. The trope of of “the other moms are so boring but I’m a cool/special, still interesting mom and will now proceed to demonstrate it...” is, frankly, dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop worrying about being interesting as a first step! Instead do stuff that interests you and remain curious about others’ experiences. The trope of of “the other moms are so boring but I’m a cool/special, still interesting mom and will now proceed to demonstrate it...” is, frankly, dull.

Not to mention a sign of our internalized misogyny. 100% reminds me of when I was younger and eschewed girly things and tried to impress boys by how much I liked fast cars and thought girl things were dumb. Man I’ve had to unpack a lot over the years.

[Anonymous]

I agree with people saying deal with your internalized anti-mom/woman feelings.

But I have to agree, I sometimes find it very tricky to talk about kids with other moms because 1) admittedly sleep schedules, meal preferences, etc. are NOT interesting to other parents, 2) it can easily devolve into a competition. I just don't like getting into it for those reasons.

There are always questions you can ask other people about their lives, families, etc. Or just make polite conversation about the weather. Or if there's kids around, watch what the kids are doing and laugh about it. Oftentimes, too, other parents are just tired and don't feel like chatting...

[Anonymous]

I always remind myself that interested people are interesting people. So my interests may not currently be very high brow (skincare, British Royal Family drama, redoing our guest bathroom) it’s something to think about, and talk about, other than kid snacks and naps and that keeps me sane

[Anonymous]

I have two toddlers and my best friend is child free by choice so we don't really talk about kids much at all. We talk about our jobs (not in great detail, just high level stuff like bosses, coworkers, challenges, promotions etc). Books we are reading. Hobbies. Fitness. Restaurants we've patronized. Pets. Dating (she's single). Mutual friends and family news. Our skin care routines. Etc. It's not ground-breaking stuff but it's also not that different from what we talked about before I was a mom.

[Anonymous]

Just stay curious. If someone is talking about something interesting to them, ask them questions about it.

[Anonymous]

This is something I am interested in as well. I try to fight my loss of identity by reading before bed (including magazines that discuss current events in a more complex way) and by listening to podcasts while driving.