My mother keeps saying that she wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

Your mother's safety is first priority. Does your father know about her house? If not, get her there. She's very smart that she owns a home in her name! This has been going on for a while, OP. I'm so sorry. Schedule an appointment for her vaccine. She needs to get it. She is in a passive role when you're there with kids. She's trying to protect them/you. You may want to contact your local eldercare.org for help. They can guide you. This is elderly spousal abuse.

Did he punch the wall while grandkids were there? Does he have early dementia or dx mental illness? Do you have a SO that can help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he your biological father? Are you not able to stand up to him and tell him to cut it out. It sounds like he assaulted you and you did nothing about it.

I honestly doubt she will leave. All you can do is be supportive of her if she does, but it sounds like she is just venting when she says she wants a divorce.

Yes. I told him to stop shouting over me when I tried to speak to my mother. That is when he hurt me. I took a photo of the bruise. My mother made him leave. My husband saw.

I don't know what I can do about that. He will just say that I did it to myself.

I don't think she will really leave. He has been controlling like this for their entire marriage. I just don't know how to help her or even if I can. I can't let my family see him hurt me again. But I don't want to cut her off from her grandchildren and me.

You honestly sound like someone with Stockholm Syndrome OP. Please get therapy and join ACOA. Call the cops when he is violent--did your husband do anything to protect you or is your husband also violent?

No, my husband is not violent. He did not have time to do anything. My father did it quickly.

I don't have Stockholm Syndrome. I just don't know how I can help. Could I really have just called the police after that happened? My mother would have said that she didn't see anything. My husband would have said he did. I thought it would be a case of he said-she said. The bruise showed up this morning. It is sore and a little swollen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother's safety is first priority. Does your father know about her house? If not, get her there. She's very smart that she owns a home in her name! This has been going on for a while, OP. I'm so sorry. Schedule an appointment for her vaccine. She needs to get it. She is in a passive role when you're there with kids. She's trying to protect them/you. You may want to contact your local eldercare.org for help. They can guide you. This is elderly spousal abuse.

Did he punch the wall while grandkids were there? Does he have early dementia or dx mental illness? Do you have a SO that can help?

Thanks for this. Yes, I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he your biological father? Are you not able to stand up to him and tell him to cut it out. It sounds like he assaulted you and you did nothing about it.

I honestly doubt she will leave. All you can do is be supportive of her if she does, but it sounds like she is just venting when she says she wants a divorce.

Yes. I told him to stop shouting over me when I tried to speak to my mother. That is when he hurt me. I took a photo of the bruise. My mother made him leave. My husband saw.

I don't know what I can do about that. He will just say that I did it to myself.

I don't think she will really leave. He has been controlling like this for their entire marriage. I just don't know how to help her or even if I can. I can't let my family see him hurt me again. But I don't want to cut her off from her grandchildren and me.

You honestly sound like someone with Stockholm Syndrome OP. Please get therapy and join ACOA. Call the cops when he is violent--did your husband do anything to protect you or is your husband also violent?

No, my husband is not violent. He did not have time to do anything. My father did it quickly.

I don't have Stockholm Syndrome. I just don't know how I can help. Could I really have just called the police after that happened? My mother would have said that she didn't see anything. My husband would have said he did. I thought it would be a case of he said-she said. The bruise showed up this morning. It is sore and a little swollen.

I reported him at school when I was a teen and he assaulted me. He got very angry and beat me after that. Nothing happened. No one helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he your biological father? Are you not able to stand up to him and tell him to cut it out. It sounds like he assaulted you and you did nothing about it.

I honestly doubt she will leave. All you can do is be supportive of her if she does, but it sounds like she is just venting when she says she wants a divorce.

Yes. I told him to stop shouting over me when I tried to speak to my mother. That is when he hurt me. I took a photo of the bruise. My mother made him leave. My husband saw.

I don't know what I can do about that. He will just say that I did it to myself.

I don't think she will really leave. He has been controlling like this for their entire marriage. I just don't know how to help her or even if I can. I can't let my family see him hurt me again. But I don't want to cut her off from her grandchildren and me.

You honestly sound like someone with Stockholm Syndrome OP. Please get therapy and join ACOA. Call the cops when he is violent--did your husband do anything to protect you or is your husband also violent?

No, my husband is not violent. He did not have time to do anything. My father did it quickly.

I don't have Stockholm Syndrome. I just don't know how I can help. Could I really have just called the police after that happened? My mother would have said that she didn't see anything. My husband would have said he did. I thought it would be a case of he said-she said. The bruise showed up this morning. It is sore and a little swollen.

NP Yes of course you could have called the police. It's not a case of he said, she said. Your mother would have been interrogated away from him, would she really have said she didn't see anything? Police also know that bruises don't show up immediately. You're the one who can press charges.

I didn't realize this just happened. Cops can also point you to DV resources for your mom. She should consult with a divorce lawyer who can help her. If she didn't own the house, I'd tell you to help her rent an apartment, decorate it and move her things over when he's not there.

[Anonymous]

I never see him assault her. Only me. This is the first time it has happened since I was a teen. Usually he just threatens me but they are empty threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never see him assault her. Only me. This is the first time it has happened since I was a teen. Usually he just threatens me but they are empty threats.

13:16 again. Start here. https://eldercare.org/find-what-you-need/protective-services/

Then, start sending your DH to check on her until you have a plan. Send meals or whatever with him. You seem to be his paranoia trigger because you reported his abuse as a teen. I'm so sorry no one helped you. You certainly paid the consequences, but understand that you were stronger than him. He has no control over you anymore and there is help now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never see him assault her. Only me. This is the first time it has happened since I was a teen. Usually he just threatens me but they are empty threats.

13:16 again. Start here. https://eldercare.org/find-what-you-need/protective-services/

Then, start sending your DH to check on her until you have a plan. Send meals or whatever with him. You seem to be his paranoia trigger because you reported his abuse as a teen. I'm so sorry no one helped you. You certainly paid the consequences, but understand that you were stronger than him. He has no control over you anymore and there is help now.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he your biological father? Are you not able to stand up to him and tell him to cut it out. It sounds like he assaulted you and you did nothing about it.

I honestly doubt she will leave. All you can do is be supportive of her if she does, but it sounds like she is just venting when she says she wants a divorce.

Yes. I told him to stop shouting over me when I tried to speak to my mother. That is when he hurt me. I took a photo of the bruise. My mother made him leave. My husband saw.

I don't know what I can do about that. He will just say that I did it to myself.

I don't think she will really leave. He has been controlling like this for their entire marriage. I just don't know how to help her or even if I can. I can't let my family see him hurt me again. But I don't want to cut her off from her grandchildren and me.

You honestly sound like someone with Stockholm Syndrome OP. Please get therapy and join ACOA. Call the cops when he is violent--did your husband do anything to protect you or is your husband also violent?

No, my husband is not violent. He did not have time to do anything. My father did it quickly.

I don't have Stockholm Syndrome. I just don't know how I can help. Could I really have just called the police after that happened? My mother would have said that she didn't see anything. My husband would have said he did. I thought it would be a case of he said-she said. The bruise showed up this morning. It is sore and a little swollen.

You can hold him accountable by calling the police when he physically assaults you. My guess is that should have been done years ago.

[Anonymous]

I would march over there, take my mother and her papers, and bring her to my house, and call police on my father if he tried to trespass.

[Anonymous]

OP, just joining the chorus to say that this is NOT right.

1) definitely interested to hear if the abuse has escalated or changed how it occurs recently. Due to his age, dementia is definitely a concern.
2) since this is not abuse that appeared out of nowhere, I think you are safe to just assume that your mom is not safe at home and that neither you nor your children are safe there either. He assaulted you in front of your kids and husband because he does not believe you or your mom will hold him accountable. MY husband would’ve punched my dad in the face with his right hand while picking up our kid and my purse and my mom’s purse with his left hand. He would’ve physically blocked my dad from coming anywhere near us and wouldn’t have moved from that position until everyone was in the car and ready to leave immediately. Then he would’ve driven straight to the police station. You should absolutely can and should strongly consider reporting the violence against you. When you do so, give the full history and don’t water it down to try to protect either or you parents. You should definitely also explore the resources in your area for elder abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1- grandchildren are not allowed to go to their house when this is going on. Men do not assault their daughters.

I think they are. Both of them told me that none of this happened and I actually did this to them.

I did push back when my father lunged at me and grabbed me. I struggled to get away. I’m really sore today.

[Anonymous]

I am going to call the number. They are trying to get me not to. I did get the kids away with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a marriage that is over. Can you mother stay with you while she consults a lawyer and gets a divorce?

+1

Wtf OP! This is an abusive relationship that has gotten out of control! Get her out of there, freeze the assets, file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP again: my mother is saying that she never said that she wanted a divorce, that I am keeping her grandchildren from her, that she will tell anyone who I send to help that I put bruises on her (she has the same bruises on her arm today that I got yesterday- I did not touch her there ever. I don’t even hug my mother).

She says she will report that I am trying to get her committed to a nursing home. She is able bodied and I never said that.

I want to call local social services but am worried that they will believe my parents over me. They have obviously rehearsed an alternative version of events and she swears she will say those things. I don’t want to be charged with a crime.