What's the point of an ethically non monogamous relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's friend tried it in the 70s because her H was pushing for it, fell in love with one AP and left her H for him. She married the AP and that marriage lasted for over 10+ years but they eventually divorced. I can't imagine not developing feeling for an AP, especially if he's a better fit. There's also always the possibility of accidental pregnancy or STDs (condoms reduce, but not prevent herpes, HPV from oral sex etc.) which would be a nightmare.

It’s just shopping around. If something better is there, they will act on it and leave. Just like your mom’s friend.

It’s for people that can’t actually commit.

Studies on open marriages bear this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s a successful ok affair in this set up? You have a great time with someone new and maybe fall a little in love, but not so good a time or enough love that you break up your actual family?

Yeah that’s the problem, in the early throes of a new relationship people are so high on hormones that they think blowing up the marriage was a good idea after all.

[Anonymous]

To find someone better. Have their cake and eat it too in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

A last ditch attempt to save a marriage destined to fail.

[Anonymous]

I’d do swinging maybe but not an ethically non monogamous relationship. I’m too jealous for a partner to be with someone without me there. Also had a polyamorous roommate at one point and it seemed so complicated in actuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had several (more than 5) friends go down this road. Not a single one of their marriages made it more than 3 years after opening up. I now call it the millennial trial separation.

Yep. I watched a special on polygamy in Silicon Valley or something like that and how it was all a crock of sh@t. Awful for everyone involved.

I watched that series too. Such a horrible show with horrible people, but I could not look away. None of them were happy but of course, reality shows have to focus on the conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, honest non-monogamy will shine a big spotlight on any weakness in your relationship and any personal insecurities. So be ready to confront those. I have seen a lot of drama from people who open their marriage and then can't deal with the thought of the other guy/girl being more attractive to their spouse, better in bed, bigger D, etc. If you have bad habits of white lies or hiding past secrets, that shit always seems to blow up.

If you don't have rock solid communication and a willingness to open yourself up to feeling vulnerable, don't do it. It's certainly not worth it to some people.

I run in those circles and by far, the most drama among any kinky folks are those who are poly. Nothing but tension for almost all of them. I've seen very few pull it off.

[Anonymous]

I know a handful of couples who have made this work, but they have been folks who came into the relationship being honest about their intentions for ENM.

Basically, I've never seen it work for a couple that started out monogamous. I've only seen it work when it was the relationship model all along, with full buy-in from the earliest stages of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

For a brief time in the late 90's before we had kids we lived in CA and we got caught up in a swingers group which I know is quite different than an ethically monogamous relationship. I was supportive of it so there was no DH arm twisting but after a year I felt it was time to stop. Some of the women took a serious liking to my husband and I could see a train wreck unfolding. I liked the other husbands but not in the same way. Fortunately my husband got transferred to the midwest and we decided to stay monogamous and we have been happily so since then. Over the next few years all of the other couples divorced. In these kind of relationships sooner or later there is going to be an emotional attachment or detachment that will wreck a marriage. Over a long marriage monogamy is challenging but the alternatives are much worse even if initially it feels exciting.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a sexless marriage that's open like this. My spouse is still the center of my world, but sex doesn't work for us anymore because of shifts in orientation and fever. Once sex was totally off the table, jealousy mostly vanished as an issue. I have no idea if it'll last forever, but our other options was divorce and this is so much better.

[Anonymous]

My husband of 33 years is wonderful but our sex life just slowly disappeared as the physical attraction and sexual desire for each other just waned. We tried counseling but it didn't work and other than the sex issue there was no desire for divorce on either part. We opened our marriage two years ago and we are both happy. We both have FWBs and we are very discrete and it has not caused any problems in our relationship except that are both happier. I would never espouse this for anyone else but it has worked for us.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine how it can not put a marriage at risk. Even if we had a sexless marriage I can't imagine my husband liking the idea of me having sex with other men. Or him being with other women.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes when we are having sex I think I'm with someone other than my husband. That's enough for me!

[Anonymous]

I've heard a million times about how people can separate sex from feelings and some people probably can. But if I was in a swingers group and repeatedly getting it on with someone, I'm going to catch feelings. Especially if the person is kind, intelligent, and has a good sense of humor. To me, it's playing with fire.

[Anonymous]

It so mostly married people can cheat out in the open. Just another way to be deceitful.