Son’s friend... physically punished

[Anonymous]

The uncle aspect makes it worse. Do the kids parents even know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved to a new state due to the pandemic. The neighborhood kids all play outside together. One kid seems a bit rougher than the others. My son (age 10) said he saw the boy’s uncle (he lives with him) slap him in the face as a punishment. I mean, I know this is how some people punish their kids but it makes me sad. My DH was punished physically as a kid and doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal, that’s just how some families are. My son said on his own that this kid has a tough life. I told my son to be kind to this boy, but also don’t let himself get pushed around by him.


*The cases of Covid are <1% here and it’s a warm climate. This is not part of the discussion.

If it were me, I would keep a close eye on the situation without calling CPS just yet. I am not a fan of corporal punishment, nor am I saying this isn't serious--but it's not clear to me whether this was a "one off" situation where they boy's uncle was angry and acted inappropriately or whether it's an ongoing, common occurrence with much worse things happening in private. Calling CPS isn't something that you can take back--and this kid could go from the frying pan to the fire.

I can guarantee it wasn’t a one-off situation. I have lost my temper with my kids but have never hit them. This isn’t borderline. Abusers abuse and it escalates over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:JC I would never touch my sister's kids

it depends.. my nephew lived with us, and I helped take care of him, which would include discipling him, though I never spanked him (slap across the face is not spanking, though).

If my nephew had done something that warranted a spank, I would've spanked him if necessary.

In states that allow spanking, they usually have a specific definition of what is considered spanking.

I would not smack a kid across the face, though, especially in public. There's a difference between slapping a child across the face and a quick swat on the bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:JC I would never touch my sister's kids

it depends.. my nephew lived with us, and I helped take care of him, which would include discipling him, though I never spanked him (slap across the face is not spanking, though).

If my nephew had done something that warranted a spank, I would've spanked him if necessary.

In states that allow spanking, they usually have a specific definition of what is considered spanking.

I would not smack a kid across the face, though, especially in public. There's a difference between slapping a child across the face and a quick swat on the bottom.

All of this. I have spanked my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The uncle aspect makes it worse. Do the kids parents even know?

OP - my son says he doesn’t live with his parents. Didn’t say why.

[Anonymous]

You are a visitor in Kauai taking advantage that schools are in session. It doesn’t sound like you are a local so you should stay out if the situation unless something more serious occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:JC I would never touch my sister's kids

it depends.. my nephew lived with us, and I helped take care of him, which would include discipling him, though I never spanked him (slap across the face is not spanking, though).

If my nephew had done something that warranted a spank, I would've spanked him if necessary.

In states that allow spanking, they usually have a specific definition of what is considered spanking.

I would not smack a kid across the face, though, especially in public. There's a difference between slapping a child across the face and a quick swat on the bottom.

All of this. I have spanked my kids.

I would never spank my sister's kids though. If I had an issue, I would call her and tell her. She'd kill me.

[Anonymous]

An uncle slapping a nephew? Not OK.
I have physically punished my son, but only under extreme duress and I would never allow anyone else to touch him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a visitor in Kauai taking advantage that schools are in session. It doesn’t sound like you are a local so you should stay out if the situation unless something more serious occurs.

Whataboutism is in full force with you huh? Who cares why she is in Kauai- abuse is abuse and slapping a kid across the face is abusive.

Glad to know you can only be a local to report abuse or is that because if you are a local then you care more about keeping the peace than the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An uncle slapping a nephew? Not OK.
I have physically punished my son, but only under extreme duress and I would never allow anyone else to touch him.

what happened???

[Anonymous]

You don't mention if you are temporarily living in Kauai because of a connection, or if you just decided to stay there. Kauai is a very small island with an even smaller population. So realize that if you decide to follow up on this, it may have social ramifications. Also realize that Kauai (and Hawaii in general) have been hit really hard economically in the past year, even people who didn't directly interact with tourists have been affected. Job and money loss has trickled down to most everyone. Economic insecurity can lead people to do things that they wouldn't usually.

That said, you don't have to ignore this. You can invite the kid over, and observe him yourself (instead of getting information from a ten year old, which, nothing against your kid, but some kids aren't necessarily the most reliable of narrators). Provide a place for the boy to go, offer food, see what happens. Maybe try to reach out to the family in a general way. There are a lot of options between "ignore" and "call CPS." And if you witness something concrete yourself, then take action.

[Anonymous]

PP here: I don't mean social ramifications as in socializing with people or other kids. I mean, if you take action and are wrong, people will probably know it was you. And that may have ramifications in a community that is small and insular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't mention if you are temporarily living in Kauai because of a connection, or if you just decided to stay there. Kauai is a very small island with an even smaller population. So realize that if you decide to follow up on this, it may have social ramifications. Also realize that Kauai (and Hawaii in general) have been hit really hard economically in the past year, even people who didn't directly interact with tourists have been affected. Job and money loss has trickled down to most everyone. Economic insecurity can lead people to do things that they wouldn't usually.

That said, you don't have to ignore this. You can invite the kid over, and observe him yourself (instead of getting information from a ten year old, which, nothing against your kid, but some kids aren't necessarily the most reliable of narrators). Provide a place for the boy to go, offer food, see what happens. Maybe try to reach out to the family in a general way. There are a lot of options between "ignore" and "call CPS." And if you witness something concrete yourself, then take action.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't mention if you are temporarily living in Kauai because of a connection, or if you just decided to stay there. Kauai is a very small island with an even smaller population. So realize that if you decide to follow up on this, it may have social ramifications. Also realize that Kauai (and Hawaii in general) have been hit really hard economically in the past year, even people who didn't directly interact with tourists have been affected. Job and money loss has trickled down to most everyone. Economic insecurity can lead people to do things that they wouldn't usually.

That said, you don't have to ignore this. You can invite the kid over, and observe him yourself (instead of getting information from a ten year old, which, nothing against your kid, but some kids aren't necessarily the most reliable of narrators). Provide a place for the boy to go, offer food, see what happens. Maybe try to reach out to the family in a general way. There are a lot of options between "ignore" and "call CPS." And if you witness something concrete yourself, then take action.

OP - good points. I was not going to call CPS because from my knowledge, that could exacerbate the situation. I’m assuming this poor kid already has trauma in his life if he’s living with his uncle instead of his parents. (My 10 year old said they live in another area about 10 min away). But my son said the uncle smacked him because he went upstairs when the baby was taking a nap! Such a small infraction. I like the idea of getting to know the boy better and just being a nice family to hang out with for him if his home is unhappy. This is a development with a lot of kids (family friendly condos) so I would hope he has a village looking out for him. The other families live here permanently, we are the newcomers and are considering staying a year or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get perspective people. DH's dad had no issues with smacking him across the mouth if he and his siblings were being mouthy or back-talking. He grew up in PA. His dad was not abusive, not an alcoholic or drug user, but he commanded respect. This style of parenting was common in this area. Unless the kid in question is showing signs of abuse, a random slap across the face is not abuse. It may not be the appropriate response for many people, but its not abuse. You were not directly involved in the situation and are taking this story from a 10 yr old who "saw" the kid being hit. It doesn't sound like he heard or knew what led up to the hit.

Well, I grew up in PA as well and saw PLENTY of the type of "punishment" you're mentioning. I can tell you that the parents that did that stuff in public did far, far worse behind closed doors. It was abuse then and is abuse now. That said, there is plenty of that kind of abuse and the foster system is likely (though not guaranteed) to be worse than what the kid experiences at home. I would keep a close eye on the situation and consider talking to a mandated reporter (school official, etc.) if it seems like things are genuinely unsafe for the child.