Boyfriend was sexting

[Anonymous]

Is it cheating? Technically no. Is it a behavior I would tolerate in a partner? Also no.

I guarantee you that if she were sexting with an ex, her bf would not be so blasé about it. It’s not okay, and he knows it.

[Anonymous]

It's cheating.

As for advice I'd frame it in terms of what she wants out of a relationship. Does this make her feel happy, cherished, respected etc?

I would avoid saying anything disparaging about him even though we all know he's trash, you trash-talking him will only make her want to defend him and save face. and likely to keep him around longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's cheating.

As for advice I'd frame it in terms of what she wants out of a relationship. Does this make her feel happy, cherished, respected etc?

I would avoid saying anything disparaging about him even though we all know he's trash, you trash-talking him will only make her want to defend him and save face. and likely to keep him around longer.

This. Wow! Hope I have raised my DD with more self-respect than this and if she is ever in such a situation she would dump his ass.

Why does she want to not dump him?

[Anonymous]

Is the former girlfriend reliable or just trying to stir up drama?

[Anonymous]

Why does she want to not dump him?

This just happened. I think she’s so taken aback and is trying to process what happened and why. She has a very strong sense of self and I have a lot of confidence in her judgement. No matter what she decides to do, her trust in him has been damaged. My job is to comfort her and support her. But this is so out of left field to me. I thought this kid was a mensch and I know she loves him. I just don’t understand this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is visiting with her boyfriend and just found out he was sexting his former girlfriend this past October. The former girlfriend let her know. I don’t know what to make of this. Maybe I’m old fashioned but it feels like cheating to me. What advice should I be giving my daughter about this? It definitely lowers my opinion of him significantly. I don’t understand why someone would be tempted to do such a thing.

Sounds like an over-share on your daughter's part. Not your relationship, you need to butt out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the former girlfriend reliable or just trying to stir up drama?

Do you know if is true, and not the old girlfriend trying to break them up.

I would confront him, hear his explanation, but then go home to my parents (not his—assuming that is COVID-safe), to mull things over.

Glad she found this out before they married.

[Anonymous]

He admitted it was true to her. I don’t think my daughter was planning to discuss this with me, but I noticed she seemed upset and asked what was going on and it spilled out. I don’t know why the former girlfriend told her or what precipitated it. I don’t know what he has told his parents about not returning for Christmas. We don’t celebrate it. He is staying here to try to work it out with her. In the meantime, this kid is in my house and I have to pretend like everything is like it was before. Really awkward.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, guy is a douche. Impulse control is pretty important character trait in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than telling her anything, I'd ask her how it makes her feel. Give advice according to her feelings. If she seems unphased by it, then once and only once you could say something like, "If it were me, I'd feel like he had been cheating, but I know you might feel differently." Then drop it.

unfazed

[Anonymous]

He should go home and give her some space.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you shouldn’t tell her what to do, and should primarily let her vent, and support her feelings. At the same time, I was really close with my mom when I was in the dating world and she would be pretty blunt with me at times, when I most needed it. It helped me leave an unhealthy relationship.

Let her know you’re there for her and will be there for her - she’s not alone and she has your support. Tell her what you, as someone who loves and thinks the world of her, would want for her. That’s what my mom did, and it fortified me so I had the strength to end things with an on-again/off-again BF. To her credit, she rolled with things when we were “on-again”, and didn’t intervene - she just supported me.

You speak highly of her, and express confidence in her judgment, OP - reflect that back to her.

[Anonymous]

I guess I will just voice the other side. I assume these are young, twenty-somethings? I cheated on my now husband when we were daing was in our twenties. Still so young and so much to learn, about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Young men especially at that age are still just so immature. I think monogamy at that age is difficult. They're not married, so commmitment is different. I would not tolerate cheating in a marriage, but I really don't think young twenty-somethings should even be in monogamous relationships if they're not quite ready. If I were her, and loved him, I would probably talk about how he's feeling and see if maybe they both shouldn't just ease up the intensity of the relationship and explore seeing other people until they're both ready for a real commitment. I would not judge him, honestly. People make mistakes and they're not married.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you love her and support her no matter what she decides, that good people do bad things and he can be forgiven but by the same token it's a sign he's not ready or mature enough for what they have and it indicates a weakny and selfishness that doesn't look good for the future.. And that if trust is already broken now, it's a very hard thing to recover. She doesn't have to take him back...no matter what he pleads and she should evaluate the relationship as a whole. Personally I would tell him to go to his family and give her space.

[Anonymous]

I guess I will just voice the other side. I assume these are young, twenty-somethings? I cheated on my now husband when we were daing was in our twenties. Still so young and so much to learn, about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Young men especially at that age are still just so immature. I think monogamy at that age is difficult. They're not married, so commmitment is different. I would not tolerate cheating in a marriage, but I really don't think young twenty-somethings should even be in monogamous relationships if they're not quite ready. If I were her, and loved him, I would probably talk about how he's feeling and see if maybe they both shouldn't just ease up the intensity of the relationship and explore seeing other people until they're both ready for a real commitment. I would not judge him, honestly. People make mistakes and they're not married.

This really sounds like you did not learn much from cheating - like, “they are young, no big deal.” Lots of 20 somethings are married. In OP’s case, they are in a committed relationship and he crossed the line. That’s really all that matters.