Regrets not coming out to my mom when she was sick - ever wish you got closure before someone passed

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. I am certain your mom knew that you loved her, and your care for her in her final months was a gift. You are imagining that she was on the brink of a conversation with you about your sexuality, but you can’t know that for certain. Perhaps the way you handled things was a mercy; some conflicts can never be resolved, and the best we can do is give and receive love to each other, which you did.

I totally understand your instinct not to create conflict or strain at such a vulnerable time when loss was imminent. Your mom knew you were gay and she loved you, and she sought you ought for comfort and care while she was dying. My belief is that your sexuality didn’t need to be discussed outright - you both were aware of your complicated history as you dropped everything to care for her, and she allowed you to do so. Those actions say everything you will ever need to know about your relationship.

Words can complicate and muddy things, and perhaps it would be even harder for you now if you had spoken about your sexuality. I think you handheld things beautifully. There is no “perfect” in these situations. You just do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you did come out. Multiple times. There's no need to beat a dead horse. Your mom accepted it in her own way. You said yourself, you didn't want any big speech. What's understood doesn't have to be explained, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom knew. She loved you. She knew you cared about her. You didn't need the showdown. It sounds like she did accept it, in her way. Maybe not in the most healthy way but that's family for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This. Your mom knew, in some important way. It’s ok not to have talked about it.

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Also your first post is really moving and well-written. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I believe your mother died truly knowing who you are-which is more than many parents do. She saw your heart- she knows what you did. You both showed much respect for the other. Coming out would have been about YOU, not her. Unfortunately she likely wasn't a person who needed to suddenly become more self-actualized at the point she was palliative. I think you showed restraint and put her first.

I'm sorry you have been having a hard time with her loss now.

[Anonymous]

greenpanda wrote:My mother passed away nearly 2 months ago from a rare and aggressive cancer in her early 50s. I just turned 30 and have been having a very hard time with the loss. I never thought I'd lose my mom so young. To make things worse my father passed away from cancer last year so the loss of my parents hits like a brick. I stopped working for several months to care for her and was at her bedside nearly every day since June and joined every doctor's appointment virtually or in-person for the last year. We did have one area of contention, and it was my sexuality. I had tried to come out to my mom when I was in my mid-20s and she wasn't having it. She was overwhelmed and basically said that she would cut me off if I ever came out. Growing up in my religious (Islamic) small immigrant working-class community, I was scared to be ostracized. I hoped that she just needed more time and tried a couple more times to speak with her about it but it didn't go far. After finishing grad school, I moved away and essentially enforced estrangement between us. For nearly a year she would call and ask me why I was upset and I would just lash back. In retrospect it was immature but I didn't feel like I had control in my life up to that point.

When she told me that she was sick, I came home immediately and just forgot about my issues. Everything felt so trivial when compared to the idea of losing my mom. She would often ask why I was so distant and I would always reference other issues (lack of respect, willingness to listen, not acknowledging my own goals as an individual, etc.) but I was scared to bring up that it was due to conflicts with my sexuality. My mom was sick and I didn't want to risk upsetting her or making her feel like she had to accept me because she was sick. At the same time, I yearned for her to eventually get to the point when she would say that I don't like this aspect of you but I can accept it. No need for flashy liberal speech etc, just acknowledgment that she would support me in her own way.

I didn't want to argue with my mom when she was getting weaker but when I look back on things, I feel like she wanted me to bring it up so that she could give a less strong stance. For instance, she would ask me if my brother was seeing anyone but stopped asking me / pressuring me to get married. Now, many of my relatives are pressuring me to get serious with my life as getting busy and striving for traditional milestones is one way to help manage the pain but no one knows I'm gay. My family is extremely homophobic, has casually been told that you can't be in the community if you live that life / will be alone forever. It is bringing up feelings of self-hate. I wish I was 'normal'. I would give anything right now to be straight just so I could have kids and lead a traditional life, as jarring as that may sound. Losing my parents makes me feel really alone, to have no one in your life that has a permanent love for you is really hard.

We were very close growing up. I'd help with chores and would try to teach her better English sayings and how to use a computer. She spoke to me about remarrying after my father passed away (before she got sick) and really valued my opinion. She depended on me through her final days. Our life growing up was hard, so not being able to show her my (future expected) success is hard. I was just so scared to see her look at me disappointed 😔

I wish I tried to have that conversation with her and wasn't scared to upset her. I wish I was able to recognize her desire for closure with me sooner. I think I would probably feel a lot better if I had done so.

Please be honest, was I too cowardly or selfish? Was I reasonable? Has anyone ever lost someone they love before getting the closer they were hoping for?

Reread the bolded- I do believe that this was as close to accepting it as she was going to get. Her 'accepting' it was her not talking about it. She didn't want to upset you either- you are very similar that way. I don't think any better conversation would have ensued- I don't believe 'closure' would have been any more clearcut. I am sure a wonderful warm "I love you and that one detail of your life is not important to me and doesn't change how I feel about you" would have been great- so hopefully as you remember conversations you had, you may remember other ways she tried to say this- but couldn't quite find the words.

It hurts me that you are hurting and I know she would not have wanted that- she would want you to be at peace.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss OP. No one knows what's going to happen in the future, you didn't either. The only way you can behave and make decisions is based on how someone is treating you today. That's what you did. Don't blame yourself for something you did to stand up for and protecting yourself. Don't let this guilt mesh into your grief.