Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids

[Anonymous]

I rarely meet families with multiple kids where all the kids behave similarly. Good natured kids in general sure but easy/polite and other characteristics vary by kid. I am sure in some other communities with less variety in couples the kids are more alike. In my circles couples usually come from different backgrounds and their kids are mixed bags. I know many twin families and those kids are never similar behavior wise. Most of these kids can keep it together for the school day or events but some take a ton more work. Its heavily weighted towards nature!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well-behaved and polite is all nurture. Couldn’t be anything else. Good-natured is both a stable, supportive home and the child’s basic genetic disposition.


But even the best kids misbehave at home.

+1

[Anonymous]

My daughters are this way. I think it’s nurture and the personality of parents rubs off on the children.

[Anonymous]

This exact question was discussed in a long thread this summer. Archives.

[Anonymous]

I was a really well-behaved, polite child who came from a massively dysfunctional and neglectful home. It was my way of getting approval from people when my mom wouldn’t.

Human behavior is complex.

[Anonymous]

My two kids are complex. They are polite to adults, kind and inclusive to their friends. We are big on manners, chores. Kindness, etc.

But both kids have anxiety—in my dd it comes out in impatience, frustration at lack of control, and intense emotions (so much crying). In my son is comes out in anger and intense emotions (also crying). I’d like to think that they would be more laid-back without the anxiety. Both have been in therapy. Neither is medicated because it isn’t so bad, but it sure gets in the way of them being laid back.

I think nurture + nature is a balance—it’s not ever just one.

[Anonymous]

I think its a combo of both.
DD is adopted so this is actually very interesting to us. She has a lot of similarities to my personality. But we don't know her bio Mom to compare her to. I do not think it is one or the other though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this nature or nurture?

As a parent to 5 children, I can tell you it's 90% nature 10% nurture.

Having nearly a half kids really knocks you off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Nurture and a bit of nature. I will say that out of all of the au pair families I know only one has kids who are not complete brats.

[Anonymous]

^^^ sorry meant to say having nearly a half dozen kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

This, but I would add by parents who set boundaries, established rules with consequences. These things are not mutually exclusive.

+1000

My sister with a rude, badly behaved kid would say "nurture" but she never enforces boundaries, enforces rules, or enforces consequences. She may set them constantly... but will cave minutes later.

[Anonymous]

...are overrated. You need a spine in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

As a clinical psychologist who spends 90% of my work day doing neuropsych evaluations on children from all types of families this is a constant education process i have to go through on a daily basis. Barring major dysfunction, personality traits are genetic. Your assessment is a common, but ignorant and very antiquated one.

The other side of the coin is that I sometimes see very compliant children who are pleasers because they are walking on eggshells around their parents. They actually don't feel valued and accepted. They come to me as "good" kids with some educational issues and once you peel the onion back it's the compliance that actually is the root of the problem.

The reality is, if you work with families, you often see a huge spectrum of children in the same family raised the exact same way, in loving supportive homes (every family who comes to me spending 3k in an evaluation have parents who pay attention to their kids and love them).

There is a lot of arrogance in many of these responses as if some of you deserve credit for having a compliant child, when in fact you are either lucky or have simply systematically torn your kid down.

I do find the anonymity of this forum quite relieving. I'd love to say this to your face, but cannot.

[Anonymous]

My DH is adopted and his brother (1 year apart) is bio to his parents. Seeing him and his family for the last 15 years has smacked me in the face how much nature dictates who we become. Brother has anxiety, OCD, hyperactivity like his parents and also inherited their outgoing personalities, sense or humor, and brings the fun. He’s my favorite person to sit next to at dinner but it would be hard to parent him. DH meanwhile is so calm in a crisis that I’m surprised he has a pulse, he’s logical, quiet, thoughtful, even-tempered, and by all accounts was a super easy kid. They couldn’t be more different yet they were raised in the same house by the same people.

That said, both of them could work on manners imo and I do think that’s parenting/environment. Manners are habits that can be taught. Temperament is not.

[Anonymous]

80% nature/20% nurture

My kids are just easy. They behave and follow instructions and are not wild. It is just how they are. Manners and appropriate behaviors can be taught, but it is much easier to teach these things to a child who naturally wants to please and can sit and follows directions without effort.