How do you handle school breaks when coparenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Do you two still live together op?
I ask because if you lived separately, you’d be doing everything during your time, so it is strange that you’d complain about everything falling to you… that’s something married people say.

Are you sure you want to divorce? I ask because if I were in the separation process, I’d work as much as possible during the holidays to avoid not thinking about the divorce.

Might your spouse be communicating that he’d prefer to at least try to save the marriage? My belief is that a marriage can be saved so long as both people find the gender of the person they are married to attractive.

As for sitters, just hire one. I’d hire one for a date with my soon to be ex husband under the rationale that a date is more fun then work and that I’d just as soon try to date the father of my kids then a bunch of randos. Point being, you’ll need to hire a sitter eventually, so start now, knowing that if you don’t, it’s not really covid you are worried about.

What.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify, we are in the middle of an in-house separation that ends in April. We have no plans to reconcile as he is a serial cheater and has moved on with his latest AP. However, he won't move in with her bc he's not allowed to have our kids overnight with her until the one year period is over. It's basically a $hitshow.

I guess I'm just not sure how I can "force" him to be responsible for the kids for half of each school break (or even some small part of it). We haven't definitively decided on a custody split yet, but he has made it clear he is uninterested in anything near 50/50. It's not like child support is going to make up for my lost vacation time either.

Tell him to get the h#ll out. He is living in the house to parent and if he's not willing to be a parent, then he needs to get his own place. Tell him these are the times you need him to take off to watch the kids and if not he needs to find/pay for child care. Tell him you will not share custody if he's not going to step up and help and he can have every other weekend and Wednesday's. Stop being nice. Let him have overnights with her. That seems a bit silly. Just say that she cannot be alone with them. After she has the kids with him a few weekends, which isn't what she planned, she'll probably dump him (and don't take him back).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Do you two still live together op?
I ask because if you lived separately, you’d be doing everything during your time, so it is strange that you’d complain about everything falling to you… that’s something married people say.

Are you sure you want to divorce? I ask because if I were in the separation process, I’d work as much as possible during the holidays to avoid not thinking about the divorce.

Might your spouse be communicating that he’d prefer to at least try to save the marriage? My belief is that a marriage can be saved so long as both people find the gender of the person they are married to attractive.

As for sitters, just hire one. I’d hire one for a date with my soon to be ex husband under the rationale that a date is more fun then work and that I’d just as soon try to date the father of my kids then a bunch of randos. Point being, you’ll need to hire a sitter eventually, so start now, knowing that if you don’t, it’s not really covid you are worried about.

What.

Double what? This guy had multiple affairs, still has one going and they are separated. He has zero interest in being with her. She deserves better, much better. He needs to move out and take responsibility for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, you need to go back to work full-time in less you are getting amazing child support and alimony so I'd start looking now for full-time and tell him he needs to make a child care plan for 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify, we are in the middle of an in-house separation that ends in April. We have no plans to reconcile as he is a serial cheater and has moved on with his latest AP. However, he won't move in with her bc he's not allowed to have our kids overnight with her until the one year period is over. It's basically a $hitshow.

I guess I'm just not sure how I can "force" him to be responsible for the kids for half of each school break (or even some small part of it). We haven't definitively decided on a custody split yet, but he has made it clear he is uninterested in anything near 50/50. It's not like child support is going to make up for my lost vacation time either.

Tell him to get the h#ll out. He is living in the house to parent and if he's not willing to be a parent, then he needs to get his own place. Tell him these are the times you need him to take off to watch the kids and if not he needs to find/pay for child care. Tell him you will not share custody if he's not going to step up and help and he can have every other weekend and Wednesday's. Stop being nice. Let him have overnights with her. That seems a bit silly. Just say that she cannot be alone with them. After she has the kids with him a few weekends, which isn't what she planned, she'll probably dump him (and don't take him back).[/quote

OP again - I've tried, trust me. I've even said I would sign something saying I wouldn't claim desertion if it meant he'd leave now. I'm not sure exactly what his motivation is for not leaving, but shady is as shady does. It's not about me letting them have overnights. In Virginia, it's considered adultery to be sleeping with someone else, even during the separation phase. He's afraid I'll nail him to the wall. Or maybe gf doesn't want them around, I really have zero clue what goes in their relationship, nor do I care. My children however, do not even know she exists yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, you need to go back to work full-time in less you are getting amazing child support and alimony so I'd start looking now for full-time and tell him he needs to make a child care plan for 50% of the time.

I am at 80% right now and cannot take on any more with 2 young elementary aged children doing virtual learning at home with me. And he is a physician making 5x what I make and we've been married 15 years. Given that we are in Virginia, I will get some sort of spousal support. Just not sure how much yet.

[Anonymous]

My ex has my daughter 3 nights/week. We alternate Christmas and thanksgiving, so whoever has her takes those days off. We play the second week of Christmas break by ear- my office is pretty quiet that week anyway. Spring break is up for grabs- I have been taking her the last few years. Summer is 10 weeks - we book 8 weeks of camp and we each choose a vacation week.

I am bearing more of the burden of care right now since he had to go back in the office. When my office calls us back, we will have to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify, we are in the middle of an in-house separation that ends in April. We have no plans to reconcile as he is a serial cheater and has moved on with his latest AP. However, he won't move in with her bc he's not allowed to have our kids overnight with her until the one year period is over. It's basically a $hitshow.

I guess I'm just not sure how I can "force" him to be responsible for the kids for half of each school break (or even some small part of it). We haven't definitively decided on a custody split yet, but he has made it clear he is uninterested in anything near 50/50. It's not like child support is going to make up for my lost vacation time either.

Tell him to get the h#ll out. He is living in the house to parent and if he's not willing to be a parent, then he needs to get his own place. Tell him these are the times you need him to take off to watch the kids and if not he needs to find/pay for child care. Tell him you will not share custody if he's not going to step up and help and he can have every other weekend and Wednesday's. Stop being nice. Let him have overnights with her. That seems a bit silly. Just say that she cannot be alone with them. After she has the kids with him a few weekends, which isn't what she planned, she'll probably dump him (and don't take him back).[/quote

OP again - I've tried, trust me. I've even said I would sign something saying I wouldn't claim desertion if it meant he'd leave now. I'm not sure exactly what his motivation is for not leaving, but shady is as shady does. It's not about me letting them have overnights. In Virginia, it's considered adultery to be sleeping with someone else, even during the separation phase. He's afraid I'll nail him to the wall. Or maybe gf doesn't want them around, I really have zero clue what goes in their relationship, nor do I care. My children however, do not even know she exists yet.

Regardless of where he lives let’s be real he’s sleeping with her and it’s adultery. I’d pack up his crap, drop it off to her house, change the locks and send him a visitation schedule and file for child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again - I ramped up up to 80% when I found out he was cheating so I have a leg to stand on career-wise when the divorce is final. He wants every other weekend and once a week dinner. It's sad.

I would typically hire childcare but it's hard to find someone willing to come into a house with a first responder.

I don't think that is sad. If he doesn't want them, then you get them more. That's what I'd want, but he needs to compensate you by giving you more spousal support so you don't have to work as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again - I ramped up up to 80% when I found out he was cheating so I have a leg to stand on career-wise when the divorce is final. He wants every other weekend and once a week dinner. It's sad.

I would typically hire childcare but it's hard to find someone willing to come into a house with a first responder.

I don't think that is sad. If he doesn't want them, then you get them more. That's what I'd want, but he needs to compensate you by giving you more spousal support so you don't have to work as much.

It is sad. It’s sad for the children. Pp you are looking at it from your point of view, not theirs.
OP, can you move out? You can’t make him leave if it’s house too, but can you leave?

[Anonymous]

On his salary and a 15 year marriage, you should stand to get at least 7 years of spousal support plus child support, maybe more since he cheated. He obviously doesn't want to take on the emotional labor of the kids. You'd be better off asking for more money and hiring the babysitter yourself.

[Anonymous]

She can't move out without an agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can't move out without an agreement.

Yes she can. Neither has custody. She can rent a place, pack up and take the kids and file for divorce and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again - I ramped up up to 80% when I found out he was cheating so I have a leg to stand on career-wise when the divorce is final. He wants every other weekend and once a week dinner. It's sad.

I would typically hire childcare but it's hard to find someone willing to come into a house with a first responder.

I don't think that is sad. If he doesn't want them, then you get them more. That's what I'd want, but he needs to compensate you by giving you more spousal support so you don't have to work as much.

It is sad. It’s sad for the children. Pp you are looking at it from your point of view, not theirs.
OP, can you move out? You can’t make him leave if it’s house too, but can you leave?

I agree it's sad for the kids, but I would much rather have them with me 80% of the time, than with me only 50% and with a babysitter the other half. If only wants them 20%, wouldn't you rather have them 80%? Otherwise it becomes 50% you, 20% him and 30% babysitter. That seems much worse. You can't make him be a more involved father, but you can provide a loving home with their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again - I ramped up up to 80% when I found out he was cheating so I have a leg to stand on career-wise when the divorce is final. He wants every other weekend and once a week dinner. It's sad.

I would typically hire childcare but it's hard to find someone willing to come into a house with a first responder.

I don't think that is sad. If he doesn't want them, then you get them more. That's what I'd want, but he needs to compensate you by giving you more spousal support so you don't have to work as much.

It is sad. It’s sad for the children. Pp you are looking at it from your point of view, not theirs.
OP, can you move out? You can’t make him leave if it’s house too, but can you leave?

I agree it's sad for the kids, but I would much rather have them with me 80% of the time, than with me only 50% and with a babysitter the other half. If only wants them 20%, wouldn't you rather have them 80%? Otherwise it becomes 50% you, 20% him and 30% babysitter. That seems much worse. You can't make him be a more involved father, but you can provide a loving home with their mother.

All of this!