How did you know your spouse would be a good parent?

[Anonymous]

I had no idea if he’d be a good dad (neither of us had kids in our families so no real prior exposure) but we did get a dog and he did half the work taking care of her. He’s also always been a 100% equal partner in all household things. Turns out he’s an amazing father. I’m lucky.

[Anonymous]

She didn’t live her by a list.

[Anonymous]

DH is a very giving person / willing to sacrifice for others. Always volunteers to do the dishes, was a good dog dad before I met him, obviously got joy from doing things for his others even at a cost to himself (e.g. made accommodations to some of his bachelor party plans so his dad come participate in parts). He also really wanted kids and is really even tempered.

He’s been a great dad and 100% equal partner in raising them.

[Anonymous]

I had seen him with nephews and nieces. Plus he has a higher level of emotional intelligence than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just go by the general competence. Competent people plan ahead and are rational.

This. Without general competence and ability to plan, even the most loving parent will struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought he would be a good parent because he worked with kids and was good with friends' kids and his nieces/nephews. Turned out he was not well suited to the baby/toddler years but has a good relationship with our kids now.

My husband is similar. He was great with his niece and he’s incredibly calm and patient, so I thought he’d be a great dad.

He’s really not so great with our very young kids (ages 2 and 4). He’s just not very energetic and is kind of lazy. I have to insist he brush our kids teeth (or just do it myself). I have to insist he turn the tv off or he’d let them watch 6-8 hours a day. It just kind of sucks having to be the grown up. I’m bitterly disappointed but keep reminding myself at least he works (I do too, but at least he’s not a total louse), and I try not to blame myself for marrying him and making babies with him. I really didn’t know he’d be this passive and low energy.

Same happened with me. Lesson learned: it's really easy to be great with someone else's kids, because you skip the day-to-day drudgery and hand them back to mom and dad when the fun is over.

A huge red flag I missed is that DH (and his parents) were the "fun" uncle/grandparents. Always buying nieces/nephews candy, treats, toys, movies, etc. But no real relationship beyond that. I thought it was sweet he was always sending them gifts, even though his siblings had asked him to stop. It ended up the same with our kids - lots of junk food and screen time, junk toys everywhere, no rules or boundaries in place.

In retrospect, I wish I had paid closer attention to DH's father, because that's essentially who DH has become. If I could do it over again, I'd pick someone with a great father as a role model and who had extensive experience with actually caring for kids (not just being the fun uncle they see at holidays).

Pp here. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Sometimes I feel so much regret and anger towards myself for choosing him to make babies with. He’s been such a disappointment.

If I could do it over again I’d pay more attention to overall competence. My Dh was competent when we were dating but he did struggle with things like organization and sometimes self care (like eating healthy and exercising). But he had a great job and made decent money so I didn’t worry too much. I didn’t realize how those things would get compounded after kids.

[Anonymous]

He loved playing with nieces and nephews and he always had a strong commitment to his future family (he was raised Mormon).

[Anonymous]

I got cancer and he spend several years taking care of me through my treatment and survivor care.

[Anonymous]

I got tricked by my first H who was “great” with animals and his nieces and nephews. He was even a coveted babysitter in his childhood neighborhood and a camp counselor for 7 years.

I later learned that was really good for a short period of time. Get past two months straight and he was useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I looked into my magic, crystal ball. 🤦‍♂️

I asked magic 8 ball.

My magic 8 ball is evaporating. What shall I do?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got cancer and he spend several years taking care of me through my treatment and survivor care.

Did you post about this years ago? I think I remember that thread. If you are OP I’m so happy to hear of your recovery and that you two are together. Your story stuck out because you were so concerned for him and he was so concerned and determined to be there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just go by the general competence. Competent people plan ahead and are rational.

This. Without general competence and ability to plan, even the most loving parent will struggle.

+1.

[Anonymous]

I thought my DH would be a good parent because he loves babies and hosted his niece and nephew to live with him for a few years when their parents lived out of the country. I was only partially right. He turned out to be a pretty good dad when kids were little. DS is a horrible parent of teen years, not open to coach them, doesn’t understand why teens don’t just do what he says. Reactive, punitive, mean

[Anonymous]

I don't think that you can, A person can be a good uncle/aunt, good teacher nanny or personal caregiver and be an awful parent.


I also think you have to define good parent, I think a lot of people define that by the current pop trends or what they read and whatever book, and their own preferences, don't make their spouse a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I've got the "fun uncle" model of dad here. He loves kids, loves playing with them and always wanted kids of his own. He was great with his nieces and nephews.

It was pretty accurate as to how he is as a dad. The best thing is he loves and enjoys the kids and the kids know that. It's a good thing for kids to know their dad thinks they are a joy in his life. But as a partner, it's been a struggle for me to get him to pull his weight in the non-fun parts of parenting. It's not all fun and playing with the kids. He's not good at discipline or thinking about larger issues than "what can I do that's fun for the kids right now?" I don't enjoy being the killjoy discipline enforcer so it's annoying when he pays no attention to bedtime ever and thinks it's a great idea to rile them up and have them stay up even though we know they will be a mess tomorrow morning for school.