Reply to How did you know your spouse would be a good parent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I thought he would be a good parent because he worked with kids and was good with friends' kids and his nieces/nephews. Turned out he was not well suited to the baby/toddler years but has a good relationship with our kids now. [/quote]

My husband is similar. He was great with his niece and he’s incredibly calm and patient, so I thought he’d be a great dad.

He’s really not so great with our very young kids (ages 2 and 4). He’s just not very energetic and is kind of lazy. I have to insist he brush our kids teeth (or just do it myself). I have to insist he turn the tv off or he’d let them watch 6-8 hours a day. It just kind of sucks having to be the grown up. I’m bitterly disappointed but keep reminding myself at least he works (I do too, but at least he’s not a total louse), and I try not to blame myself for marrying him and making babies with him. I really didn’t know he’d be this passive and low energy. [/quote]

Same happened with me. Lesson learned: it's really easy to be great with someone else's kids, because you skip the day-to-day drudgery and hand them back to mom and dad when the fun is over.

A huge red flag I missed is that DH (and his parents) were the "fun" uncle/grandparents. Always buying nieces/nephews candy, treats, toys, movies, etc. But no real relationship beyond that. I thought it was sweet he was always sending them gifts, even though his siblings had asked him to stop. It ended up the same with our kids - lots of junk food and screen time, junk toys everywhere, no rules or boundaries in place.

In retrospect, I wish I had paid closer attention to DH's father, because that's essentially who DH has become. If I could do it over again, I'd pick someone with a great father as a role model and who had extensive experience with actually caring for kids (not just being the fun uncle they see at holidays). [/quote]

Pp here. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Sometimes I feel so much regret and anger towards myself for choosing him to make babies with. He’s been such a disappointment.

If I could do it over again I’d pay more attention to overall competence. My Dh was competent when we were dating but he did struggle with things like organization and sometimes self care (like eating healthy and exercising). But he had a great job and made decent money so I didn’t worry too much. I didn’t realize how those things would get compounded after kids.[/quote]

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