How should ds handle this....a poll

[Anonymous]

I highly commend your kid for not just the restraint that he showed, but for his maturity as well.

It seems spouse #2 could learn a few lessons from their kid, but one thing is for sure... they’re definitely looking at this situation from a VERY non-objective standpoint.

They need to remove themselves and their pain/trauma from their childhood from this situation, as they are looking at things from an emotional point of view that has NOTHING to do with their child.

Your child is NOT you spouse #2, as he seems to have the insight, strength and maturity to advocate and stick up for themselves... those are character building traits and you should be commending him for his actions.

[Anonymous]

* himself not themselves

[Anonymous]

Spouse 1 100%. I mean spouse 2 probably would have a point if they were 17 but 7?! He (your DS) handled it amazingly well.

[Anonymous]

Your kid sounds great, OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s great your kid advocated for himself but it’s too close to rattling so watch out. Also the other kids bullying because of xyz is not acceptable. That probably won’t change. I would branch out into some other activities. The mom isn’t going to love your kid for that either.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately the skills and actions needed to survive being a young male in a violent society are different than those needed to be a part of civil society. Both POVs come from a good place but both also fail to be universal.

It is hard to negotiate these contradictions as a young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the skills and actions needed to survive being a young male in a violent society are different than those needed to be a part of civil society. Both POVs come from a good place but both also fail to be universal.

It is hard to negotiate these contradictions as a young man.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse 1 all the way. Reporting bullying is not 'tattling'. That's a dangerous slope OP. You need to tell kids to be open and free to share their problems with you, by labeling that as tattling, you are teaching them to not trust you with their feelings. It's never wrong to stand up for yourself. Be proud of the kid for self-advocating.

THIS THIS THIS

This narrative is how bullies get their way- they try to justify being bullies by labeling advocating for oneself as "tattling." It is a form of "whataboutism" that is super unappealing and counterproductive. There is nothing wrong with a bully having consequences for his actions.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Sorry got super busy and didn't check in. Thanks all for the feedback. I'm spouse 1 for the record so glad to see that my instinct was right. I was second guessing myself since I've never been on the receiving end of bullying. This all occurred pre Covid. The parents dealt with it appropriately. It popped into my head the other day because we were at the activity and I noticed how well the kids get along now so was thinking about the issues that had happened in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry got super busy and didn't check in. Thanks all for the feedback. I'm spouse 1 for the record so glad to see that my instinct was right. I was second guessing myself since I've never been on the receiving end of bullying. This all occurred pre Covid. The parents dealt with it appropriately. It popped into my head the other day because we were at the activity and I noticed how well the kids get along now so was thinking about the issues that had happened in the past.

And yes I realize that I wrote the OP as if it was a current issue. It was easier to write it out

[Anonymous]

I’m impressed with your kid for having the guts to go to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Spouse one for this particular situation-these are family friends and the parents would likely rather hear about the problem and address it with her kid that just have your kid decide they don't want contact.

I do think school is a different setting. If there is an ongoing situation, a kid should bring it up with a teacher or counselor. But, at least at my kid's school, teachers do not want to hear about every little thing or have kids reporting about things between kids where there is back and forth (one day one kid is the aggressor and the next day it's the other kid). At school, if you can't get along, stay away from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s great your kid advocated for himself but it’s too close to rattling so watch out. Also the other kids bullying because of xyz is not acceptable. That probably won’t change. I would branch out into some other activities. The mom isn’t going to love your kid for that either.

I am going to assume you mean tattling..what's there to watch out for? If a kid acts like shit then the parents will hear about it, from the other kid, his parents, coach or teachers, or maybe police at some point down the line. Your solution is to not do anything because of some weird concept about tattling? What if someone you care about is a victim and everyone who knows just silently watches because - hey, no tattling. I bet you'd be all about speaking up and siding with the truth then. Stop with this BS.

and who cares about if a bully's mom likes your kid or not.

[Anonymous]

I know I will get lit up for this but—Spouse 2. I am going to make the assumption that Spouse 2 is a man and the father of DS and Spouse 1 is a woman and the mother. He is trying to raise a boy who exists in boy world. He is 100% correct that a boy who will tattle to another boy’s mommy will not fare well in boy world or future man world. You may disagree but he has a point and you guys should try as best as you can to come to a compromise in how you address it.