Toxic player on team. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Are you there to witness it? Because you shouldn't be that close. If it's coming from your DD, give her advice on how to handle it. It'll be best to be a civil confrontation; if the new player doesn't like it she can leave, or, if the team isn't that bothered by it your DD can adapt/leave.

There's also a lot of middle ground there.

[Anonymous]

My DD heard a player ragging on another player during a game. My DD just yell out that bully’s name and told her to chill. It stopped after that.

The question here is this. Is anyone on the team that is vocal or confident enough to tell the bully to stop? A bully will say or act negatively during games, scrimmages and practices and the coach might not able to see/hear it all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a real nasty woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter plays for an "elite" team, and our coaches don't put up with that kind of behavior. It destroys team chemistry. How can you take necessary risks on the field if you don't trust and feel comfortable with your teammates? We had one incident similar to what you're describing, and our coaches nipped it in the bud. They addressed it during a team practice as well as individually during coach/player conferences. Players were told that acting that way would get them benched, and the coaches also made it clear that being a bystander is not acceptable. Our coach does a lot of team building and bonding activities throughout the year, so fortunately those issues are few and far between.

LOL no coaches will put up with it if the player is a good player. It is very common on “elite” girl teams. Usually there is a clique of them.

[Anonymous]

Okay yelling on the field for an elite team is signs to organize. There is a difference between yelling -move up now and close the space and you are a loser. I have heard girls get mad when someone yells move up and close the space and it is not bullying. Even -Susie you need to get that-is not bullying. Saying you are a loser or that you are terrible. That is bullying but I have never heard in my 20 plus years involved with the sport.

[Anonymous]

“Just because you’re good doesn’t mean you can be a dick.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Just because you’re good doesn’t mean you can be a dick.”

I agree, and boys and girls do tend to sort it out differently. No matter the level of play, we have seen coaches ignore bad behavior from starters but the team calls them out especially boys. Boys are more blunt about it and tend to be more physical as well.

Is it a mean girl group or just one player? Because I think that makes a difference as well, if its a group I would consider switching teams. By u15 a coach can do little to change this and likely the parents foster it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a real nasty woman.

Hard to tell. Is this election season sarcasm?

[Anonymous]

OP. It's just one girl. The mean girl is a new player, not a returning player. After DD told me what was happening I came to pick up a bit early and watched. I was very far away from everyone and masked but I overheard two comments as they were loud.

One girl who was targeted looked like she was going to cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of new girls on DD's U15 team this year and one of the players has a bad tendency to put down other players. I'm not talking about pointed and direct feedback. Her comments are very negative and said in a nasty tone. She picks on whoever happens to be nearby, including DD, but the poor girls who are not starters seem to be targeted most often.

I noticed the girl is one of the best players on the team. I also noticed to my surprise the coach does not call her out on it and it is really impacting morale. What can DD do to improve the situation? She has been trying to say encouraging things to the other girls to counteract the meanness. Is there anything else she should do? How does your coach handle these kids of situations?

This is a girls' team thing. The girls will take care of it one way or another. I would suggest you advise your daughter to keep her head down until the blood has been cleaned up.

[Anonymous]

It is the coach's fault. He needs to shut this down immediately, and he can. There is a boy on my son's team who is a weaker player, and several of the boys have said mean things to him. My own son yelled at him once (he did not follow my son's advice when they were both defenders and a goal was scored. My son yelled, "why the hell didn't you listen to me? I'm trying to help you, and you're just ignoring me and doing stupid stuff."). In every instance, the coach intervened and corrected the kid who was mean, including mine. I fully support that. Now, no one says anything unkind to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kid is a bully. Coach needs to deal with it. If you coach chooses to ignore bullying because the kid plays well and helps get results then you need to speak to the technical director.

Yes, coach should deal with this. I was not unlike that kid when I was in high school. I was very good, very driven, and *really* hard on myself which then translated into being hard on other people. And also led to being pretty lonely, even though it was a team sport!

Now that I'm older I understand that teams win games, not stars, and that a team will do better if everyone learns to work together and be supportive of one another. I don't understand why my coaches didn't shut me down and give me a good talking to - except that this was the 70s so maybe the coaching would be better today. Anyway it would have made me a much better team player!

Later in college I blew out my knee and had to take up a new sport. Being a novice really helped with my attitude and I ended up loving it and feeling close to my teammates. One of those situations where there unintended good consequences from a bad accident.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a team manager? I'd talk to her/him first. If nothing happens I'd go straight to the coach. I don't think your dd should be doing anything in this situation, not her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's just one girl. The mean girl is a new player, not a returning player. After DD told me what was happening I came to pick up a bit early and watched. I was very far away from everyone and masked but I overheard two comments as they were loud.

One girl who was targeted looked like she was going to cry.

This stuff happens. It is an unpleasant and all too common part of life, particularly for young teen girls. Don't overreact would be my advice.

Practice some language your daughter can use to respond as in the moment it can be difficult to know how to respond. She should stay positive, not sink to the bully's level and focus on her game.

This toxic player came from somewhere else and may likely move on soon.

The players that are good but think they are great are often club hoppers

[Anonymous]

There seems to always be one on each team. I think there is a life lesson in dealing with difficult people in this for your daughter. As the previous PP mentioned, coach your daughter on language to use to alleviate the tension. Or - practice language with your daughter to discuss with coach.
I would only get involved if the player uses racial slurs, somehow gets very personal in her toxicity, or gets physical.

We are dealing with this on my son's team with one player - more about bragging and trash talking his teammates when they don't do everything perfect. My son and I talked at length about it and I actually showed old videos of John McEnroe's attitude (this kid isn't that bad) and then showed him how most people remember him not as an amazing tennis player but a tennis player with a bad attitude. I find examples like that seem to help, depending on age.