Considering a doula - first child, no judgement please

[Anonymous]

Doulas are useless. What a scam. Everything pps who are anti above is correct. Women have been giving birth forever. It is not a fake mystical science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doulas are useless. What a scam. Everything pps who are anti above is correct. Women have been giving birth forever. It is not a fake mystical science.

Meh. I didn't find a lot of utility in my particular doula, but women have been giving birth with the support, advice, and comfort of other women who have given birth or attended births in attendance forever. That's a doula. It's not mysticism.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, what does a doula cost?

[Anonymous]

I had a doula for my first and I was much happier without one for the next two. It turned out I didn’t like having a stranger around all the time doing things or even making suggestions. So it really depends on your personality.

[Anonymous]

I overestimated how helpful my husband would be during labor and delivery. He actually did okay, but I still needed more help/support and did not get what I needed from him. A big part of it was that he was totally scared and overwhelmed and that made him freeze up, even during decisions that we had discussed and game planned in advance. I do sometimes wish that I'd had a doula in the room who could have backed me up in those moments because my husband had a tendency to just immediately agree with whatever the authority figure in the room said even if it was bullshit. There were several questionable things that happened during my birth experience (i.e. the L&D nurse who all but forced me to get an epidural by saying "it's clear you cannot handle the pain", the fact that they were clearly understaffed on the day, which led to a different L&D nurse delivering my baby after telling me to "hold it" as the baby was coming -- my baby came very close to just landing on the floor as I gave birth).

I don't know if a virtual doula would have been helpful. Some of that stuff just happened too quick to get someone on the phone to discuss it. But on the other hand, maybe if I'd had a doula on speed dial, she would have been pushing for information or attention to certain things earlier in the process, and that might have made the actual birth less dramatic. And it didn't help that because I was on an epidural, I did not feel as clear-headed as I normally do.

If you have the money, I would at least interview doulas and ask how they would handle the virtual set up and what kind of support they could offer. Especially because you are worried about going into labor at a time when your doctor can't be there (that is what happened to me as well -- if I could have gone one more day, it would have been my OB there and I think a lot of things would have been different). It can't hurt.

[Anonymous]

IME my doula provided nothing of value that the midwives and my L and D nurses and DH provided. She told me the same things to do at home—like no really, I should time the contractions? And try position changes? And get in the bath? I hope you don’t waste your money OP.

[Anonymous]

Our doula offered a ton of phone and text support during early labor. Also some birth education, though we still took classes. I’d ask if they offer and post part in support if you don’t use them virtually during birthing. Also hospital policies with doulas and covid are constantly changing, they might have again by your due date. And agree, bring these questions up in interviews.

[Anonymous]

Don’t waste the one thousand dollars on a doula. The nurses will help you and your husband in the delivery room. Many doulas also have a “natural” unmedicated delivery agenda to push. I read a horror story on Reddit where a doula purposefully made a mother wait till the very last moment so she could brag she “delivered” the child. Spend the money on the help you will need after birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t waste the one thousand dollars on a doula. The nurses will help you and your husband in the delivery room. Many doulas also have a “natural” unmedicated delivery agenda to push. I read a horror story on Reddit where a doula purposefully made a mother wait till the very last moment so she could brag she “delivered” the child. Spend the money on the help you will need after birth.

There’s always one...

This is a question for your interview process. The doula is there to help you in whatever way you set up. That can be med free, medicated, or surgical birth.

Our doula helped me emotionally accept the mercy epidural I needed after a prolonged labor. (48 hours) she did not encourage or discourage it, she let me decide and process that before I requested the anesthesiologists. My docs were very patient, but in hindsight if I’d not eventually chosen epidural I prob wound have needed a surgical birth. The epidural helped me sleep for the first time in days, I did not use additional application of meds, I felt enough to push, but it definitely dulled the ring.Doulas are also supportive for surgical (c-section) births. Many of us do need the emotional support of another person along with our partner and the nurses while amazing have more than one patient. The calm steadfastness of our doula helped my partner and myself stay calm.

You can find a horror story for any situation. It doesn’t mean it’s the norm.

[Anonymous]

We were very thankful to have had our Doula— she was recommended by our practice so knew the nurses, hospital policies, where the warm blankets were (epidurals can make you very chilly...) and was able to articulate many of our preferences to the nurses in a way that was much more professional sounding than “here are some scared first time parents” and as a result we had exactly the birth we wanted.

But you have to know what kind of birth you want and not expect the doula to know for you and deliver your mythical “perfect birth”. For example, I knew I wanted an epidural but knew I wanted to avoid a C Section during COVID, so all of her advice and actions were geared towards those outcomes. It also meant I avoided doulas with strong feelings against epidurals or agendas about “natural” birth. I suggest asking if your practice has a doula or doula practice they recommend, because it was very reassuring to have my doctor see the doula as a welcome part of the team and the nurses see her as help to them rather than on a different team.

[Anonymous]

I was skeptical about the benefits of a doula since she will have to provide virtual support. But her advice and time has already been useful.

My husband and I are first time parents with no experience with childbirth. My husband did not feel confident in his ability to support me at the hospital and I was having a lot of anxiety about everything being so unfamiliar.

Our doula met with us once in person (outdoors and 6+ft apart) last week and we are meeting again next week. She is answering a lot of my questions and reducing my anxiety. My husband is feeling more confident and comfortable.

It also gives me peace of mind to know that if my husband tests positive for Covid when we get to the hospital, I have another support person I can call.

I'm an anxious person who feels better when I have strategies ahead of time and an idea of what I'm walking into. I'm not comfortable showing up at the hospital without a game plan for a few different scenarios. My doula is helping with that.

I'm glad we decided to spend the money.

[Anonymous]

I had a doula and midwife and husband for the first. The doula basically just told my husband what to do and say, and when. MONTHS later he told me that although he kept his mouth shut at the time he felt really insulted by her instructions.

So for our second kid we just had the midwife and DH did all the doula stuff and he did great.

If you think you should go to the hospital, call them and tell them your symptoms. They'll tell you if you should come or not. If you think they're wrong, just go anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were very thankful to have had our Doula— she was recommended by our practice so knew the nurses, hospital policies, where the warm blankets were (epidurals can make you very chilly...) and was able to articulate many of our preferences to the nurses in a way that was much more professional sounding than “here are some scared first time parents” and as a result we had exactly the birth we wanted.

But you have to know what kind of birth you want and not expect the doula to know for you and deliver your mythical “perfect birth”. For example, I knew I wanted an epidural but knew I wanted to avoid a C Section during COVID, so all of her advice and actions were geared towards those outcomes. It also meant I avoided doulas with strong feelings against epidurals or agendas about “natural” birth. I suggest asking if your practice has a doula or doula practice they recommend, because it was very reassuring to have my doctor see the doula as a welcome part of the team and the nurses see her as help to them rather than on a different team.

You think a doula gives you the kind of birth you want? Sorry but no. It’s luck and genetics. Your intentions flr
Delivery count for about 10 percent and your doula doesn’t have much to do with that at all. Does your doula control the position of the fetus?
How fast you dilate? If your baby aspirates meconium or has irregular tracings?
If your BP shoots up or you get a fever in labor? Women who get the birth they want are often just lucky. Do you think anyone else who has complications wants them? Or got them because they didn’t hire a doula? SMDH.

[Anonymous]

And also - avoiding a C section often means you just got lucky. And truly, I hope the first outcome you wanted was a healthy mother and baby, not avoiding a surgical birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And also - avoiding a C section often means you just got lucky. And truly, I hope the first outcome you wanted was a healthy mother and baby, not avoiding a surgical birth.

Therapy helps.