Fighting - who is in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

For me, the issue is that he doesn't get to identify your priorities. Household priorities should be a joint decision. He's not your boss, he's your partner. You may, perhaps, have accepted these tasks in the past but roles/tasks in a marriage are always up for renegotiation when it's not working for one partner. In this odd time, we are all strained in ways we previously weren't. I would say your DH is less impacted than you since he still leaves the house for work while you now have the kids for DL when you used to be home alone or with fewer kids.

My advice is to wait until there's a moment of calm and have this discussion. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He is treating you like one of his employees. In my house this would 100% guarantee that he handles the renovation or whatever else he is bitching about. I bet he carries a lot of resentment from you quitting your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the issue is that he doesn't get to identify your priorities. Household priorities should be a joint decision. He's not your boss, he's your partner. You may, perhaps, have accepted these tasks in the past but roles/tasks in a marriage are always up for renegotiation when it's not working for one partner. In this odd time, we are all strained in ways we previously weren't. I would say your DH is less impacted than you since he still leaves the house for work while you now have the kids for DL when you used to be home alone or with fewer kids.

My advice is to wait until there's a moment of calm and have this discussion. Good luck.

Completely agree with this. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

What are the renovations he wants done?

Honestly, this seems like a bad idea unless there’s something really unlivable about your house. It’s not a huge risk, but it’s a pointless one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the issue is that he doesn't get to identify your priorities. Household priorities should be a joint decision. He's not your boss, he's your partner. You may, perhaps, have accepted these tasks in the past but roles/tasks in a marriage are always up for renegotiation when it's not working for one partner. In this odd time, we are all strained in ways we previously weren't. I would say your DH is less impacted than you since he still leaves the house for work while you now have the kids for DL when you used to be home alone or with fewer kids.

My advice is to wait until there's a moment of calm and have this discussion. Good luck.

Thank you for articulating what I could not. You are exactly right and I think that’s a big part of why we are having this disconnect. Nothing has really changed for DH after the pandemic, so he can’t even understand. While for me, everything has. The kids are now home with me 24/7. It’s a challenge just to go shopping. I don’t have my social outlets. Navigating all the changes with the schools. Even the contractors are harder to find and book. He just isn’t getting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are the renovations he wants done?

Honestly, this seems like a bad idea unless there’s something really unlivable about your house. It’s not a huge risk, but it’s a pointless one.

Yeah nothing near unlivable. Just mostly nice to have improvements we had been talking about before the pandemic hit - added lighting, repairing electrical in the attic, new flooring, new deck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are the renovations he wants done?

Honestly, this seems like a bad idea unless there’s something really unlivable about your house. It’s not a huge risk, but it’s a pointless one.

Yeah nothing near unlivable. Just mostly nice to have improvements we had been talking about before the pandemic hit - added lighting, repairing electrical in the attic, new flooring, new deck.

Things I’ve taken care of during the pandemic are exterior stuff, like repairing the siding, exterior painting, and also a leak issue. Ugh what a year.

[Anonymous]

Don’t know that there is a right or wrong. But it would annoy me too if I were expected to do the things I’m not good at while I was pulling my weight in terms of family responsibilities. Maybe there is some compromise like one of you make the calls and the other manage the projects. We just did this in our house and it worked out well. I made the calls and set the appointments because I’m good at that and my spouse is managing the project because she has a strong opinion on what she wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is treating you like one of his employees. In my house this would 100% guarantee that he handles the renovation or whatever else he is bitching about. I bet he carries a lot of resentment from you quitting your job.

He wanted me to quit my job. It was hell when I was working because we were always fighting about splitting responsibilities. He just can not or will not do most of the household/childcare/social stuff. I resisted for years but when I finally quit, it was a huge weight off because we could finally stop fighting over who did what - I could finally just do it all. No discussion needed.

It also allowed him to “lean in” and double his salary since. But I wish he could work less (and earn less). But I think he really just wants to retire early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know that there is a right or wrong. But it would annoy me too if I were expected to do the things I’m not good at while I was pulling my weight in terms of family responsibilities. Maybe there is some compromise like one of you make the calls and the other manage the projects. We just did this in our house and it worked out well. I made the calls and set the appointments because I’m good at that and my spouse is managing the project because she has a strong opinion on what she wants

This is actually what we used to do. The problem with this arrangement was that he’d find a random contractor, and while they satisfied DH’s criteria in that they could start within a few days, they were often bad contractors. And I’d have to deal with the problems.

I like to do a bit more research, get referrals. And the issue with this has been, the good contractors are very busy and booked and things take longer, or they don’t want to take small jobs because it isn’t worth their time. Also sometimes, even with research, you still sometimes just get a pretty unreliable contractor. Argh honestly I hate the whole process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know that there is a right or wrong. But it would annoy me too if I were expected to do the things I’m not good at while I was pulling my weight in terms of family responsibilities. Maybe there is some compromise like one of you make the calls and the other manage the projects. We just did this in our house and it worked out well. I made the calls and set the appointments because I’m good at that and my spouse is managing the project because she has a strong opinion on what she wants

This is actually what we used to do. The problem with this arrangement was that he’d find a random contractor, and while they satisfied DH’s criteria in that they could start within a few days, they were often bad contractors. And I’d have to deal with the problems.

I like to do a bit more research, get referrals. And the issue with this has been, the good contractors are very busy and booked and things take longer, or they don’t want to take small jobs because it isn’t worth their time. Also sometimes, even with research, you still sometimes just get a pretty unreliable contractor. Argh honestly I hate the whole process.

DP. You might try subscribing to Angies List. I've had my share of bad contractors but have had better luck after using an Angie's List recommended vendor. When I've had a problem, I've been able to contact Angie's List about it and they've helped to get it resolved (the issue was a warranty the contractor wasn't honoring. I showed the warranty to Angie's List and they brought their weight onto the contractor.) I've had much better luck with them than with Washington Checkbook.

[Anonymous]

First op, you and your husband need to get back to liking each other. Then you need to sustain that.

Cancel the walk with friends, and hang out with your husband. Obviously you’d bring the kids with you, but that’s fine, find a nice trail where they can run/walk ahead of you, go to a park, be physically close to your husband and hold hands.

My husband and I had an ice cream date yesterday where we discussed politics.We are from opposing parties so it wasn’t a bitch session about how bad the other party is. He was so sweet and kind and remember we weren’t agreeing on our political views.

If you can’t do this i.e. “we don’t have a nice park” or “There’s nowhere the kids can run safely) or “There’s no where we can get ice cream) then that’s a large part of your need to get away.

Lack of wholesome entertainment can destroy a family. You have two kids, so you need to figure out a way to have couple time that includes your kids, v. making the kids the sole focus of the family.


I am sympathetic to your situation as I am also a stay at home mom with kids in online school. That being said, you shouldn’t prioritize your friends over a loving relationship with your husband. Remember, your husband isn’t obligated to stay with you any more than a friend is.

If your husband won’t hang out with you, then that’s your problem, you can’t have a loving relationship with anybody unless the other living being participates.

As for the contractors, is your research actually laziness? At some point you do have to make a decision.

I look at Google and Yelp ratings. I’m not big on references, I have told my husband “I’ll get references so I know who not to use”.

Might your husband be overcompensating for what he percieves as your lack of inaction?

In any event, you do need to find people who can do the work you want, knowing that not all contractors will do everything. Dry wall is a speciality for example. Doors are another speciality.

Do you and your husband have reasonable expectations? The work needs to get done, but not all by the same person.

We have a good handyman, as well as a good plumber, dry wall and electrician. The lighting you want done will probably require both an electrician and a dry wall person, or more correctly persons.

Also, and I’ll just say it, you do have the ability to plan a “walk with friends” on a saturday when most people with kids are not avaiable. If you can do that, you can probably be more productive at home.

[Anonymous]

Contractors are REALLY busy right now. And your DH is a dick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know, without hearing his side. How many hours do you work each week? Maybe he feels like the total number of hours each of you are putting in is more equal than you are thinking. Maybe you could make a list of chores and divide it out more equitably.

He does very little chores and I'm generally fine with that. He takes out the trash and recycling, he loads his own laundry into the washer, and he *usually* empties the dishwasher in the morning, he handles our investments, and 2 years ago, he finally took over doing our taxes because I stopped working. I do EVERYTHING else. Would it be nice if he helped clean up after dinner - yes, but that's my only semi-complaint.

The real problem is his anger annoyance at me for not prioritizing the home maintenance/improvements to his level of satisfaction.

You're right, but I find that almost to a T men don't value their wife's work inside the home. I know some husband will no come and post how awesome they are, but that's not the norm.

If this was me, I'd be totally blunt, "I am now managing X# of children's education as well as everything else I was and still am doing. It's like another job and I'm exhausted. These projects on your list are not a priority for me. If you want to set up the contractors and have me here as they work, that's fine, but that's all I'm doing."

I don't know what will happen with you and your husband if you say that, but with mine, that would be the end of the conversation. He might still be annoyed, but he'd drop it.

[Anonymous]

Post too long I’m not reading all that shit.
Geezus OP if this is how exhausting you are in communicating things ordinarily it’s no wonder y’all are fighting.
Sheesh who wants to hear all that crap