Alzheimers and caregiver denial

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for the recommendations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so so much for all of your recommendations. The poster whose mom is a martyr and values self-sacrifice - yep, that's mine too. Great idea for going the "keep dad safe" route instead of the "give you respite" route.

Just an update, since I'm not local I reached out to her church community (that's right, the one she volunteers so much time to) and asked them for help. Mom may hate me for it, but I'm doing what I need to do to keep dad safe. I'm not expecting a thank you from her anytime soon. ha ha

NP. Hugs to all of you that are dealing with this. I had one grandmother with pretty early onset Alzheimer's so I have some memories, but not from the perspective as a child.

Can I ask one question, which may sound totally dumb, but is sincere - did any of you lay it on the line with your parent(s)? Our family is pretty direct. I can see me or my sibling just flay out saying that the situation has gone beyond what we and they can do as far as care and they have to look at other options. My parents are late 70's and we're not seeing any decline at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so so much for all of your recommendations. The poster whose mom is a martyr and values self-sacrifice - yep, that's mine too. Great idea for going the "keep dad safe" route instead of the "give you respite" route.

Just an update, since I'm not local I reached out to her church community (that's right, the one she volunteers so much time to) and asked them for help. Mom may hate me for it, but I'm doing what I need to do to keep dad safe. I'm not expecting a thank you from her anytime soon. ha ha

NP. Hugs to all of you that are dealing with this. I had one grandmother with pretty early onset Alzheimer's so I have some memories, but not from the perspective as a child.

Can I ask one question, which may sound totally dumb, but is sincere - did any of you lay it on the line with your parent(s)? Our family is pretty direct. I can see me or my sibling just flay out saying that the situation has gone beyond what we and they can do as far as care and they have to look at other options. My parents are late 70's and we're not seeing any decline at this stage.

Yes, I the care-giving parent had a temper tantrum at me and the ill parent refused to be evaluated. Once we finally got the diagnosis and it was clear help was needed, caregiving parent told me off again and I became the scapegoat. They had plenty of money to pay for services-more than plenty. It was exhausting and made me physical ill dealing with all the denial and tantrums all while the sibling who lived farther away played into the denial and did nothing while getting to be the Golden Child. It was a dangerous situation for a while, but things improved a lot with increasing help.

[Anonymous]

In the short term, there are cheap door alarms that work well on Amazon. We had them when kids were little as my toddler didn't understand he couldn't just leave whenever.

For the longer term, contact their local office for the aging. MIL waited a really long time to accept help and things were bad, FIL was putting them both in really dangerous situations. In their home state (NY) Office for the Aging had programs and offered respite care (free!) that somehow she was willing to do vs. hiring someone (even though money wasn't an issue). Somehow seeing it as an entitlement changed her mindset. If nothing else, they can help you plan for next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the short term, there are cheap door alarms that work well on Amazon. We had them when kids were little as my toddler didn't understand he couldn't just leave whenever.

For the longer term, contact their local office for the aging. MIL waited a really long time to accept help and things were bad, FIL was putting them both in really dangerous situations. In their home state (NY) Office for the Aging had programs and offered respite care (free!) that somehow she was willing to do vs. hiring someone (even though money wasn't an issue). Somehow seeing it as an entitlement changed her mindset. If nothing else, they can help you plan for next steps.

There is no free respite here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the short term, there are cheap door alarms that work well on Amazon. We had them when kids were little as my toddler didn't understand he couldn't just leave whenever.

For the longer term, contact their local office for the aging. MIL waited a really long time to accept help and things were bad, FIL was putting them both in really dangerous situations. In their home state (NY) Office for the Aging had programs and offered respite care (free!) that somehow she was willing to do vs. hiring someone (even though money wasn't an issue). Somehow seeing it as an entitlement changed her mindset. If nothing else, they can help you plan for next steps.

There is no free respite here.

Check out Hilarity for Charity - it is an organization devoted to Alzheimer’s support. They have tons of resources for caregivers, including free support groups and free respite care (you have to apply for the latter).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the short term, there are cheap door alarms that work well on Amazon. We had them when kids were little as my toddler didn't understand he couldn't just leave whenever.

For the longer term, contact their local office for the aging. MIL waited a really long time to accept help and things were bad, FIL was putting them both in really dangerous situations. In their home state (NY) Office for the Aging had programs and offered respite care (free!) that somehow she was willing to do vs. hiring someone (even though money wasn't an issue). Somehow seeing it as an entitlement changed her mindset. If nothing else, they can help you plan for next steps.

There is no free respite here.

Check out Hilarity for Charity - it is an organization devoted to Alzheimer’s support. They have tons of resources for caregivers, including free support groups and free respite care (you have to apply for the latter).

THANK YOU! Different poster but I just sent this to a relative caregiver who may apply!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the short term, there are cheap door alarms that work well on Amazon. We had them when kids were little as my toddler didn't understand he couldn't just leave whenever.

For the longer term, contact their local office for the aging. MIL waited a really long time to accept help and things were bad, FIL was putting them both in really dangerous situations. In their home state (NY) Office for the Aging had programs and offered respite care (free!) that somehow she was willing to do vs. hiring someone (even though money wasn't an issue). Somehow seeing it as an entitlement changed her mindset. If nothing else, they can help you plan for next steps.

There is no free respite here.

Check out Hilarity for Charity - it is an organization devoted to Alzheimer’s support. They have tons of resources for caregivers, including free support groups and free respite care (you have to apply for the latter).

THANK YOU! Different poster but I just sent this to a relative caregiver who may apply!!!

Oh good!! You’re very welcome.

[Anonymous]

We use senior helpers and home instead to hire helpers for my parents. Liked home instead better but it’s probably a franchise by franchise thing.

Op, keep in mind that your mom could have declining capacity as well which affects her ability to handle this perfectly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so so much for all of your recommendations. The poster whose mom is a martyr and values self-sacrifice - yep, that's mine too. Great idea for going the "keep dad safe" route instead of the "give you respite" route.

Just an update, since I'm not local I reached out to her church community (that's right, the one she volunteers so much time to) and asked them for help. Mom may hate me for it, but I'm doing what I need to do to keep dad safe. I'm not expecting a thank you from her anytime soon. ha ha

NP. Hugs to all of you that are dealing with this. I had one grandmother with pretty early onset Alzheimer's so I have some memories, but not from the perspective as a child.

Can I ask one question, which may sound totally dumb, but is sincere - did any of you lay it on the line with your parent(s)? Our family is pretty direct. I can see me or my sibling just flay out saying that the situation has gone beyond what we and they can do as far as care and they have to look at other options. My parents are late 70's and we're not seeing any decline at this stage.

Yes, I the care-giving parent had a temper tantrum at me and the ill parent refused to be evaluated. Once we finally got the diagnosis and it was clear help was needed, caregiving parent told me off again and I became the scapegoat. They had plenty of money to pay for services-more than plenty. It was exhausting and made me physical ill dealing with all the denial and tantrums all while the sibling who lived farther away played into the denial and did nothing while getting to be the Golden Child. It was a dangerous situation for a while, but things improved a lot with increasing help.

That was so me when I was caring for both of my parents who have dementia. Then we hired caregivers and my mom started taking her vitriol out on them. And yes the siblings from away were praised and I who was doing the work was not. Finally a social worker told us this was a very normal dynamic, for the local caregiving daughter to get all the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so so much for all of your recommendations. The poster whose mom is a martyr and values self-sacrifice - yep, that's mine too. Great idea for going the "keep dad safe" route instead of the "give you respite" route.

Just an update, since I'm not local I reached out to her church community (that's right, the one she volunteers so much time to) and asked them for help. Mom may hate me for it, but I'm doing what I need to do to keep dad safe. I'm not expecting a thank you from her anytime soon. ha ha

NP. Hugs to all of you that are dealing with this. I had one grandmother with pretty early onset Alzheimer's so I have some memories, but not from the perspective as a child.

Can I ask one question, which may sound totally dumb, but is sincere - did any of you lay it on the line with your parent(s)? Our family is pretty direct. I can see me or my sibling just flay out saying that the situation has gone beyond what we and they can do as far as care and they have to look at other options. My parents are late 70's and we're not seeing any decline at this stage.

Yes, I the care-giving parent had a temper tantrum at me and the ill parent refused to be evaluated. Once we finally got the diagnosis and it was clear help was needed, caregiving parent told me off again and I became the scapegoat. They had plenty of money to pay for services-more than plenty. It was exhausting and made me physical ill dealing with all the denial and tantrums all while the sibling who lived farther away played into the denial and did nothing while getting to be the Golden Child. It was a dangerous situation for a while, but things improved a lot with increasing help.

That was so me when I was caring for both of my parents who have dementia. Then we hired caregivers and my mom started taking her vitriol out on them. And yes the siblings from away were praised and I who was doing the work was not. Finally a social worker told us this was a very normal dynamic, for the local caregiving daughter to get all the abuse.

I am the poster you are responding to and I cannot tell you how I appreciate you sharing your own experience and what the SW said. It is such a mentally exhausting experience and still I get into the mentality that I somehow deserved vitriol and tirades. People who haven't experience it just can't even fathom it. My husband actually witnessed it and was horrified. The only gift of that nightmare is it makes it so much easier to say goodbye when a parent passes away. I saw the post from the woman who is terrified of losing her 80 year old mother and I thought if you mother treated you for a week the way my mother did for so long, you'd be singing a different tone. The abusive outbursts did me in.