My 7 year old cries over everything! Help?

[Anonymous]

If you, your spouse and any sitters/caretakers have a consistent and firm parenting and discipline style this should not be happening (the whining and crying at that age).

Start with improving the parenting toolbox, move on to anxiety triggers after that. I assume there is no family history of autism or adhd or anxiety (regardless of root cause or none)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why does it bother you when she cries? if you're worried she'll be teased, let it happen and let her decide if she wants to stop. crying on its own is not a bad thing. if it's keeping her from actually doing what she needs to do, then that--not the crying--is the issue.

how do you say no to her or give directions? does she have enough of a routine? does she get enough of a warning to transition activities?

It worries me that she will be teased. Since there is basically no school, the kids on our street are her only social outlet and I don’t want them to tease or shun her.

Her routine is not so great right now because DH and I both work FT. Im home every day and he’s home a few days a week. She has some virtual camps in the morning and then she has to entertain herself. She has lots of specific things she can do (art, etc) but does get a ton of screen time because we have to do our jobs.

Usually we just say “no” to her. She tends to try and control most situations so “no” is what she needs to hear because otherwise she tries to negotiate and that leads to a meltdown. I try to not say “no” over things that are inconsequential so it’s not like she hears no a ton of times each day. For directions I’m pretty well, direct. “Please sit down for dinner” etc. I’m polite but am clear that she is not being asked to do something. I don’t ask when I know that she can’t answer “no”. So we don’t do “do you want to brush your teeth?” We do “it’s time to get ready for bed, please go brush your teeth”.

She has a really hard time with transitions and I feel helpless for how to deal with it. She can tell time and I give her countdowns. “Bedtime in 30 mins” 20 mins, etc. I try to break things down into small chunks and put them in order that they need to be done.

Summer has been rough, period. No structure, limited activities, limited travel.

Hopefully the structure and accountability of school, albeit on a screen around here, will alleviate the boredom, long days and acting out.

[Anonymous]

Is she getting out the house enough? My 7 yo was doing this everyday from april-june (and arguing with little sister) . Then he started soccer and camp and he's a new kid. I think the pandemic is affecting kids in ways that we don't realize.

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2SDsrd1lvo
This is all the advice you'll ever need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting out the house enough? My 7 yo was doing this everyday from april-june (and arguing with little sister) . Then he started soccer and camp and he's a new kid. I think the pandemic is affecting kids in ways that we don't realize.

In other words, you had no clue how to deal with your kid at home and how to keep him active?!

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a challenging issue. I feel for you and spouse, as well as your daughter. This ia tough time for everyone.

I'm going to disagree with the "just ignore" advice a bit. I agree you don't want to just acquiesce to her demands to get her to stop crying, as this will just teach her that crying is an effective way of achieving her goals. However, if she is still crying/whining a lot at this age, part of the problem is that she has not develop another set of skills. I think rather than simply ignoring, you should actively instruct her on alternatives to crying for getting what she needs. Here are a few suggestions:

- When she cries, stay very calm. But instead of ignoring, engage with her in a calm, patient manner. Tell her that it is hard for you to hear what she is saying when she is crying or whining, and that you want to help her but that you would like to wait until she can speak to you calmly and respectfully.

- Set up some options in the house that you can turn to when she is crying and whining, to help her self soothe a bit. Fidget spinners are good for this. With my child, I often ask her if she would like to kick pillows in her room or throw rubber balls into a trash can (doing sensory things can really help children -- and adults! -- get out of a negative mental space). After you have told her that you would like to wait until she is calm to discuss what she needs, gently suggest some of these options to her as a way to get calm.

- Once she has stopped crying and whining, take a moment to calmly discuss what caused her to cry/whine to begin with. Empathize with whatever it was, focusing on the underlying need instead of the crying/whining (i.e. "I didn't realize you were still hungry after lunch. That must have been frustrating to feel hungry -- I know I can get crabby when I'm hungry too.").

- Once you've identified the need and empathized with it (you want to validate for you child that is okay to have needs), briefly talk through a better way to get that need met. Say something like "Next time you are feeling hungry, how about you ask your dad or I in a kind voice for a snack?"

- You may have to do this several times before she starts trying to use this new suggested tactic, but when she does, REALLY praise her for it. Say stuff like "I am so proud of you for using your kind words! I really love it when you practice patience -- you are getting so good at it." Positive reinforcement is a cliche, but that's because it works. Little kids love nothing more than to be lavished in praise by their parents, so use that to your advantage and use that praise on the behaviors you most want to see her using.

Note: there will be times when the underlying need as stated by your child seems unreasonable. For instance, we have had issues with kicking and hitting, and sometimes when we sit down with our child to talk about why she hit, she will say "Because I WANT to hit something!" At first this was frustrating because, of course, our rule is that you don't hit people or things that might break (like my computer, which quickly became a target when the pandemic started). But then we thought about it a bit, and I realized that sometimes I really want to hit or kick something too when I'm upset. Other seemingly unreasonable "needs" might include: taking a sibling's toy away because you wanted to play with it, screaming at the top of your lungs, drawing on the walls. While these are all behaviors we don't want to encourage, I've realized that I can still empathize with my kid's desire to do them. And that's helped me come up with creative ways to still help her meet her need while not doing the thing I don't want her to do. Thus the "let's go kick pillows and throw rubber balls" idea I mentioned above. It can be challenging to find these solutions, but it is really worth it.

This method is hard but it is very, very worth it. Not only will you see a huge reduction in the behavior you want to get rid of, but you are essentially teaching your child healthy coping skills. The really great thing is that in doing this, I find I learn some useful coping skills, too. It turns out that occasionally going out back with my daughter to scream at the top of our lungs for a minute is actually really cathartic for everyone, as well as helping her remember to use her inside voice during dinner.

Best of luck to you. Whining is one of my top triggers as a parent, so I get how frustrating that is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting out the house enough? My 7 yo was doing this everyday from april-june (and arguing with little sister) . Then he started soccer and camp and he's a new kid. I think the pandemic is affecting kids in ways that we don't realize.

In other words, you had no clue how to deal with your kid at home and how to keep him active?!

You guys are so judgemental. During quarantine we played soccer in the backyard, walks around the neighborhood, rode bikes as a family. Skateboarding. Lots of things. But when he got to socialize with other kids his age(swimming camp, soccer camp) his entire mood changed.

Thanks for your *non* concern. Im sure your family is enjoying being cooped with you and your spite.

Good luck OP