DH “narrates” and “summarizes” interactions. Is this an ADD thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a technique that a number of people use when they believe that the situation and the other person's reactions/conclusions don't match what they are thinking.

Do you often disagree on situations and what happened and get into fights over interpretations of occurred? If so, you might want to read some books on gender communication. Dr. Deborah Tannen has several good books on the topic like "That's Not What I Meant! " and "You Just Don't Understand" They are good at explaining how men and women are socialized to respond differently and to have different goals when communicating (for example, women often want to vent and want a sympathetic ear, while men will consider a problem that needs fixing and will try to suggest ways to resolve the issue rather than just listening). She talks about the concept of framing, e.g. how you frame a conversation and how to communicate when your framing is different from your partner's.

Great recommendations, thank you! Will definitely give these a try.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this sometimes, usually as others have described, in recapping things that he recalls have transpired during a disagreement. I think it's his way of tracking the facts, but it is super annoying and comes off as kind of autistic (I'm not using that term in a medical or PC way so please forgive) and like he's trying to keep score. I try to ignore it if it comes up now- I've taken the ignore tactic with a lot of his verbal ADD behavior- going on about one thing for an excessive period of time primarily. Now I just change the topic to something that needs to be addressed immediately and then end the interaction by leaving the room and letting him close whatever circle he needs to in his head. I don't know that it changes the behavior, but it separates me from it, which I think is the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

Is he just trying to explain the disagreement from his perspective so you understand his view?

[Anonymous]

I’m not quite sure what the OP meant, but believe I do this to my wife when we get into an argument. We’ll both be yelling and I try to retell the issues leading up to the argument, to bolster my reasoning for defending my position in the argument. If the argument began because I believe I have been justly nagged, harassed or verbally attacked and I try to lay things out clearly. Since this is an anonymous forum, I will tell you straight up, when my wife is on her period she can be a raging B for no reason. I can set my watch each month to when the arguments frequently occur. Additionally, her mother was insane and I’m sure both genetically and through upbringing, there is no escaping that behavior being inherited. Finally, and I know this will stir up a beehive on a thread that is probably gender slanted toward women, I feel like women are more emotionally inconsistent than men. Women, and I’ve been friends and dates many, seem flighty. I know it’s not pc, but perhaps it’s a product of science, nurture what have you. Men’s behavior tends to stay more on an even keel. Even if they’re mad at each other, women just seem to hold grudges longer and are moodier. Anyway, back to the topic. What is so bad about your husband trying to retell you the issues or causes of why you’re arguing in the first place? I still don’t get what you meant.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of women on this thread apparently experiencing the same type of narrating behavior from their partners, and getting angry at them for trying to summarize the facts of an argument with their own version of events. Why is that? Is it because these wives are afraid that if a clear picture of the facts was to be established, the woman’s potentially unreasonable behavior would be clearly exposed and cause embarrassment? By the established scientific differences in male and female communication it could be asserted that men simply want to get to the point, while women wants some sort of amorphous resolution, or are upset when their partners want less of a free form, amorphous argument.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure this is what you mean, OP, since you still haven't given us an actual example. But I do this with my DH because he doesn't seem smart enough to follow the thread of an argument. He twists and turns and spins and gaslights and moves the goal posts, and I'm constantly trying to reset the argument back to its core topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this if I think someone is gaslighting me or is genuinely in denial about facts.

+1. He is recapping to see where it went left as clearly you both walked away with different understandings of process/procedure and are now having to reconcile the discrepancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have ADD and he's doing this as a coping mechanism?

OP here. No, he has ADD. It’s almost like he has to put everything into a box or label people and their actions. Ex. You did this and you always do this and you do this because you’re fill in the blank. Like he hyperfocuses on every nuance of a persons behavior and comments on it.

I don’t follow completely. Does he narrate one real time like a baseball game announcer? “I’m driving to store. You are seated next to me.” Because that sounds like autism. Also sounds really funny.

Or does he do it after if it seems you’re criticizing him and you’re starting a fight and he’s defensively backing up his story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have ADD and he's doing this as a coping mechanism?

OP here. No, he has ADD. It’s almost like he has to put everything into a box or label people and their actions. Ex. You did this and you always do this and you do this because you’re fill in the blank. Like he hyperfocuses on every nuance of a persons behavior and comments on it.

I don’t follow completely. Does he narrate one real time like a baseball game announcer? “I’m driving to store. You are seated next to me.” Because that sounds like autism. Also sounds really funny.

Or does he do it after if it seems you’re criticizing him and you’re starting a fight and he’s defensively backing up his story?

If he does it after you seem angry or pissy or critical and a fight is looking he certainly may be recounting things to put them in context. In which case it’s totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything happens, it’s always “you said this, had this look, you always, you do this when you’re” I truly don’t know how to explain it but I feel like he’s narrating situations and events. It drives me nuts. I can’t seem to articulate it. Anyone know what I mean?

I don’t get it. He actually remembers what happened or was discussed in the past?! Or is observant? That’s better than 50% of males right there!

[Anonymous]

But is he right?

Or wrong and delusional?

[Anonymous]

My friends husband does this not so much to narrate but to explain or understand a situation. His perceptions aren’t always correct and it can be annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything happens, it’s always “you said this, had this look, you always, you do this when you’re” I truly don’t know how to explain it but I feel like he’s narrating situations and events. It drives me nuts. I can’t seem to articulate it. Anyone know what I mean?

It could be autism. HFA or aspies rely on their memorized patterns or formulae or “rules” to decide what to say or how to behave in a situation.
So they’d pull up some archive in their head of what once happened, State it or do it, and move on. No common sense or judgment applied, just whatever happened last time must be it! Gawd forbid you ask WTF happened, you will get a rant and lecture about barely tangential nonsense. Drives you insane trying to even have a back and forth convo. Which of course is impossible for them to actually instinctually have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this if I think someone is gaslighting me or is genuinely in denial about facts.

Yes except if you're truly being gaslit by say, a narcissist, it goes over like a lead balloon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If anything happens, it’s always “you said this, had this look, you always, you do this when you’re” I truly don’t know how to explain it but I feel like he’s narrating situations and events. It drives me nuts. I can’t seem to articulate it. Anyone know what I mean?

I don’t get it. He actually remembers what happened or was discussed in the past?! Or is observant? That’s better than 50% of males right there!

It sounds like he’s does everything possible to avoid responsibility or having a view/opinion in a matter. Instead he guesses at OPs view or dumps it on her to decide based on whatever loose connection he can quickly bring up.