Nanny enforcing discipline when we're all home together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 5 and we also have a young baby. DH and I work from home and keep to our rooms (home office & bedroom) when nanny is here so we don't get in each other's way. Now that we're home together for extended periods of time, I can hear nanny and DD's interactions. DD is often rude and won't listen to what nanny asks of her. DD will also sometimes run into my or DH's room when she wants to get out of doing something. Each time, I tell DD that when nanny is here, she needs to stay with and listen to nanny and get her to go back to nanny.

Example: yesterday, I could hear nanny tell DD to put on shorts after her bath. DD said no, nanny said yes, then DD ran to my room. I told DD listen to nanny and DD walked out upon which I heard nanny tell DD again to wear shorts. Fifteen minutes later, I walk out and DD is still shortless. As in past situations, I told nanny yesterday that DD needs to listen to HER and not to expect me to step in to get DD to obey. That if I'm quiet, don't take it as a cue that I'm okay with what DD is doing, but rather, it's because I defer to nanny's authority over the situation. Nanny seemed to agree with what I said, but ultimately, uncertain what to do.

I know having everyone at home together is a trying situation, BUT it is just exacerbating and not the root cause of DD's rudeness and nanny's inability to enforce discipline as it was a concern for me even before covid. Big factor is nanny's style; when DD acts up or disobeys, nanny's approach is in large part to redirect and distract DD. This was fine when DD was 2, but I personally don't think it's enough for a 5 year old. I'll also mention that while nanny had a lot of childcare experience as a daycare teacher prior to coming to us, we are her first nanny job. Generally speaking, little kids are much more obedient with their teachers in a school setting than they are with their nanny and she seems to not know how to deal with DD's persistent disobedience.

Any advice on what I should say/do to help nanny? I hate micromanaging and have told nanny that it is up to her how to enforce discipline (e.g., time outs, taking away privileges), but she seems lost and has not been. The other day, nanny told DD to stop playing with the iPad (no screentime while nanny is here). DD just ignored her. DH and I were both NOT involved, I could hear this in the hall outside my closed door. I let this go for a few minutes to allow nanny to handle the situation, but she wasn't doing anything. DD was in another room when I quietly said to nanny, "you know she's not allowed to use the iPad." And nanny responded very exasperatedly, "yeah, I know!" and nothing else, as though it was out of her hands. I then said "tell her again she's not allowed and if she doesn't listen, take the iPad away." I can't, or rather don't want to, instruct nanny each and every time something comes up. I have work to do and this is part of her job. Advice??

OP, I wish you are my boss!

I'm dealing with the opposite. Mom and dad are working from home and not supportive with ANY type of discipline, redirection, consequences, etc. they don’t use electronic gadgets and don’t believe on time outs. Their advice: positive enforcement. I ask 6.5 years old gently sweetie, honey could you please not push your baby brother like that? No response and continues her deed.

Also I was only hired to care for the baby but since the world is dealing with hard times, I take care 6.5 years old for 9 hours a day with no fuss and no extra$.

[Anonymous]

Why are you setting the Nanny up to be the bad guy? You should be the one to remove the ipad before she arrives. You are setting up a negative dynamic between the nanny and your daughter.

For the shorts did it occur to you the nanny was following a different approach of natural consequences. I often use sorry you stalled so long on 'x', now we have no time to do 'y', maybe you will make different choices next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you setting the Nanny up to be the bad guy? You should be the one to remove the ipad before she arrives. You are setting up a negative dynamic between the nanny and your daughter.

For the shorts did it occur to you the nanny was following a different approach of natural consequences. I often use sorry you stalled so long on 'x', now we have no time to do 'y', maybe you will make different choices next time.

Same with consequences. Natural consequence for no shorts is no going outside...

[Anonymous]

Late to the party, but I'll add: is there a chance nanny is
1 - picking her battles
2 - unsure of how 'strict' to be with you home?

I'd make sure the nanny knows that you want her to discipline, and get on the same page.

Do *not* come out to "help" discipline. That will not have the desired effect.

In her shoes, I'm not sure that I'd push the shorts issue. Maybe she was giving DD some time before trying again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Late to the party, but I'll add: is there a chance nanny is
1 - picking her battles
2 - unsure of how 'strict' to be with you home?

I'd make sure the nanny knows that you want her to discipline, and get on the same page.

Do *not* come out to "help" discipline. That will not have the desired effect.

In her shoes, I'm not sure that I'd push the shorts issue. Maybe she was giving DD some time before trying again.

I agree with this! If I were a nanny and the parent was always listening or intervening I would be nervous to discipline too. Lock your door and let the nanny handle everything...I bet she would of you stopped interfering!

[Anonymous]

You need to discipline your child. You come out and give child a time out and model how its done. Or, take the iPad and put it in the room. Or, a consequence later if you cannot take a break. Child knows know adult will give a consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to discipline your child. You come out and give child a time out and model how its done. Or, take the iPad and put it in the room. Or, a consequence later if you cannot take a break. Child knows know adult will give a consequence.

This is terrible advice. Pretend your at the office, let the nanny do her job, and stop interfering. Buy some noise cancelling headphones.

[Anonymous]

I am not working during covid but I did used to work from home and we had a lovely and experienced sitter take care of my two kids, ages 2 and 5 at the time. My 5 year would at times be rude or obstinate and for the most part the babysitter was able to handle--she had multiple grown children so she knew what she was doing. However, a few times I could hear my son say or do something that for me was crossing a line. I would get him and make him sit in my office with a book on tape while sitter took younger child to continue playing. I am not talking 20 minutes...like 2 hours. We also spent some time ahead of sitter's arrival talking about feelings and my expectations. The combo helped and it resolved. Of course my son wasn't perfect but they are kids and nobody is.

Also, I think its important to remember that sitter might do things different and that is ok. Maybe she doesn't care how fast those shorts get on. Its hard to hear your kid be rude to another adult but it probably isn't bothering anyone like it is you.

[Anonymous]

Why is the iPad even out and in reach of the 5 yr old when the nanny is there? It should be put away at her start time.

[Anonymous]

5 is a critical year. Be gentle but unyielding. Have a talk with nanny. Maybe redirect is over and time for a more direct approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not working during covid but I did used to work from home and we had a lovely and experienced sitter take care of my two kids, ages 2 and 5 at the time. My 5 year would at times be rude or obstinate and for the most part the babysitter was able to handle--she had multiple grown children so she knew what she was doing. However, a few times I could hear my son say or do something that for me was crossing a line. I would get him and make him sit in my office with a book on tape while sitter took younger child to continue playing. I am not talking 20 minutes...like 2 hours. We also spent some time ahead of sitter's arrival talking about feelings and my expectations. The combo helped and it resolved. Of course my son wasn't perfect but they are kids and nobody is.

Also, I think its important to remember that sitter might do things different and that is ok. Maybe she doesn't care how fast those shorts get on. Its hard to hear your kid be rude to another adult but it probably isn't bothering anyone like it is you.

PP here. I mean 20 minutes, NOT 2 hours. And also talking. this is tough...being 5 during covid sucks and it should be acknowledged. Maybe the sitter could do more interesting and novel activities, more time outside?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know having everyone at home together is a trying situation, BUT it is just exacerbating and not the root cause of DD's rudeness and nanny's inability to enforce discipline as it was a concern for me even before covid. Big factor is nanny's style; when DD acts up or disobeys, nanny's approach is in large part to redirect and distract DD. This was fine when DD was 2, but I personally don't think it's enough for a 5 year old. I'll also mention that while nanny had a lot of childcare experience as a daycare teacher prior to coming to us, we are her first nanny job. Generally speaking, little kids are much more obedient with their teachers in a school setting than they are with their nanny and she seems to not know how to deal with DD's persistent disobedience.

Normally I would say that your family has outgrown this nanny and it's time to move on. I agree that due to COVID you should take the advice of PPs and sit down with the nanny and oversee her making a serious change.

[Anonymous]

I hope the nanny quits

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is trying to get your attention because you are her mom and probably would like the dads attention too.

The nanny may feel awkward knowing you can hear every word. I bet she would be more strict if you weren't eavesdropping on every conversation. You know. A certain hardening of the voice to indicate she means business.

It must be awful for her to have you listening in to every interaction.

Does your boss hear and see every movement you make?