We’re done - secondary infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the comments, I don’t get why people feel obligated to put themselves through this to give their child a sibling. Our daughter is an only child because of complications and a traumatic birth. We were one and done and our child understands why. She’s a fantastic only child and we are lucky and grateful to have her.

Sometimes people just want more than one kid. How is that difficult to understand? What if a childless couple said to you when you were having trouble " I don't understand why you would put yourself through that" A child free lifestyle is perfectly valid. See what I mean? You have the right to stop at one and wanting only one. Op is right to be sad at not getting two and the childless couple is making the right decision for them!

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. I will tell you that the pain and sorrow and regret lessen with time. Still stings when someone makes a snotty comment about only children, but on a day-to-day basis I really appreciate the peace, calm, time and resources that having one child gives you. It wasn’t my choice, no, and I wouldn’t have chosen it. But since that’s what I got, I now can appreciate the benefits.

If you don’t end up having another child, I hope that over the next few years you start to notice also all the wonderful things about having a tiny, perfect family of three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I will tell you that the pain and sorrow and regret lessen with time. Still stings when someone makes a snotty comment about only children, but on a day-to-day basis I really appreciate the peace, calm, time and resources that having one child gives you. It wasn’t my choice, no, and I wouldn’t have chosen it. But since that’s what I got, I now can appreciate the benefits.

If you don’t end up having another child, I hope that over the next few years you start to notice also all the wonderful things about having a tiny, perfect family of three.

Well said. As an only child and a mother who has only one child due to complications, I completely agree with you. Wouldn’t trade our family of 3 for anything!

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat. Spent 3 years trying to have DD now it’s been another 4 of miscarriages and failed cycles and i’m 41 and I’m ready to call it. I’m doing one last ditch fertile heart summer/fall and I’m done. I will not spend any more money.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all. We’ve discussed (and discussed and discussed) adoption and donor. Neither feel right enough for us to move forward with them. We can (every year or more) conceive on our own, but can’t keep a pregnancy. Stopping feels as hard as keeping going, but ultimately I just want to be happy again and want our lives back. But it’s hard to let go of that last bit of hope.

[Anonymous]

While I didn't struggle with infertility, I had health issues that made me only take the chance one time to have a kid. I was fortunate going in that this was my one time. So each phase and age of DC I take time to appreciate what I have and how child is growing. Try to find the good in what you do have and know you aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the comments, I don’t get why people feel obligated to put themselves through this to give their child a sibling. Our daughter is an only child because of complications and a traumatic birth. We were one and done and our child understands why. She’s a fantastic only child and we are lucky and grateful to have her.

I was an only child and hated it. I wanted to have a big family. That doesn't mean we aren't grateful we were able to have our daughter.

OP, lots of hugs. We're going to be done in October. It's too hard to keep going.

[Anonymous]

I hope you find the peace and happiness you need.

I'm an only child and mother of an only child. We're planning to have another child but I'll be fine if we don't. FWIW I had a fantastic childhood and I don't mind being an only child at all. I have always been keen to make and cultivate friendships, which perhaps stems from not having a sibling playmate you can rely on. I have self assurance, which is a quality common to only children (maybe lack of competition for parents' emotional resources??). I certainly had plenty of great experiences from being an only child - clubs/extra curricular activities, private school, foreign travel.

That said, I think I would also enjoyed having a sibling. But that also comes with uncertainties - judging by some of the threads on the 'Family Relationships' forum!

[Anonymous]

We're also one and done, not by choice. I got pregnant on the first try at 35, super easy pregnancy and delivery. When my child turned 1 we started TTC again. Five years later, one surgery and infertility treatments that all failed, we gave up. I never got a single positive pregnancy test in the 5 years TTC. Diagnosis was unexplained secondary infertility.

I still wish we could have a second child, but at this point my chances of becoming pregnant are basically zero, and we're not interested in donor egg. DH has been talking about adoption lately so we may start researching that more.