Talk to me about being in a relationship and parenting with a man who is a "mamma's boy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hold up... Tell me more about the financial side to this:

What does it mean that he provides for the mom and siblings??? I’m going to spell it out for you right now: kids are expensive! He’s your boyfriend so I don’t imagine you have combined finances, but later on when you’re paying for daycare and trying to save for college and maybe even take a vacation once in a while, you’re going to be super resentful if a good chunk of your HHI is going to support his mom and siblings. Really think hard about that.

And I agree with everyone else — the family dynamic seems really dysfunctional.

He paid for her house, pays for bills from time to time, pays for family vacations, pays for expensive gifts etc.

Do you live together? Does he also pay your bills, eating out etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hold up... Tell me more about the financial side to this:

What does it mean that he provides for the mom and siblings??? I’m going to spell it out for you right now: kids are expensive! He’s your boyfriend so I don’t imagine you have combined finances, but later on when you’re paying for daycare and trying to save for college and maybe even take a vacation once in a while, you’re going to be super resentful if a good chunk of your HHI is going to support his mom and siblings. Really think hard about that.

And I agree with everyone else — the family dynamic seems really dysfunctional.

He paid for her house, pays for bills from time to time, pays for family vacations, pays for expensive gifts etc.

Do you live together? Does he also pay your bills, eating out etc?

We don't live together, yet. Why would my boyfriend pay my bills? When we go out sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay, and sometimes we split.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Apparently he exhibited signs of ADHD as a child, but his mom brushed if off, tells him he doesn't need meds now.

Mom follows all his exes on social media.

I think I'm going to let this one go, he (they) are not for me.

[Anonymous]

I would not date someone who was raised that way. Imagine the giant cluster f*ck it'll be if you ever have children.

[Anonymous]

If he has self awareness and understands boundaries and enforces them, maybe you could make it work but i agree physical distance from mother would probably be better. You don't like his mother very much right? The past was what it was. It all depends on where his loyalty lies now, as an adult. My mil was a single mother and has horrible boundaries, lacks maturity, etc. But we live 4 hours from her and my boundaries protect myself from her bouts of horribleness. Occasionally my husband behaves like her, is clueless and sometimes oversteps a boundary. But it is not the norm and we talk about it and i feel he mostly gets it. How much do you live this guy? How well can he hear you? Only you can know. Deep down, you do.

[Anonymous]

Once your money is shared through marriage, you will likely want limits on what he gives them. Start exploring and talking about that now and see how he responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has self awareness and understands boundaries and enforces them, maybe you could make it work but i agree physical distance from mother would probably be better. You don't like his mother very much right? The past was what it was. It all depends on where his loyalty lies now, as an adult. My mil was a single mother and has horrible boundaries, lacks maturity, etc. But we live 4 hours from her and my boundaries protect myself from her bouts of horribleness. Occasionally my husband behaves like her, is clueless and sometimes oversteps a boundary. But it is not the norm and we talk about it and i feel he mostly gets it. How much do you live this guy? How well can he hear you? Only you can know. Deep down, you do.

Oh I like her enough as a person. I don't know that I could handle her as a MIL, the whole boundaries thing. He would never live far away from her, he purposely bought a house that was roughly 14 minutes away. He doesn't see the issues too him, it's just a close family, and to be honest I don't want to spend the rest of my life arguing about boundaries, I don't believe in training grown men. I love him but is love enough?

[Anonymous]

No, it often is not enough. And his choice to live so close is concerning too if that must continue after marriage. My cousin was engaged to a man who was overly attached to his mother in a variety of ways. She ended it and later found a better pick. Thirty years later, still happily married. Move on if you feel you need to. In paws can be a real source of misery, yes and they can ruin good marriages. Good Luck. You sound strong and smart.

[Anonymous]

Married to a bit of a mama's boy. I also wish i did not have to "train a grown man" but alas, it was the only way i could stay married...She was a big, intrusive, oldworld Italian, pia and if i did not voice what i needed to him, i would have had to leave my spouse. It was her or the marriage. Thankfully, he heard me and she is in our lives but yea, it was hard. She is uneducated, sometimes unpleasant, opinionated and a buddinski. Limited contact is the only way it could work. That does not seem like an option here though.

[Anonymous]

I am the poster above and also Italian, so I felt I could say it. No offense to the italian mother in laws on the board. I am sure most of you are lovely. Mine however is not unfortunately, although she has her good points (funny, pragmatic, very honest)

[Anonymous]

OP hers, ironically he's part Italian and they frequently use that as an excuse for their poor boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Can you explain what you mean by the weird sexual humor?

Everything you listed as a red flag, but this really jumped out to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hells to the no. You will be second and be gaslighted for even questioning the situation. Don't do it.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain what you mean by the weird sexual humor?

Everything you listed as a red flag, but this really jumped out to me?

OP here. Stuff about asking his mom how to give girlfriend orgasms, constant penis jokes. Seems immature to me, which goes along with everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hells to the no. You will be second and be gaslighted for even questioning the situation. Don't do it.

100%

Op again. Yeah, I'm done. I think I just needed to type it all out, really see it, and have a neutral party confirm just how out of whack everything is. You know sometimes you can feel something isn't right, but you let it go, but having it all laid out helps. Thanks, everyone.