Sister has zero self awareness

[Anonymous]

Cut your time with her in half.

Ask her: is there anything that you do like? Then let the silence sink in.

[Anonymous]

I was single and lived alone for YEARS. I’m married now with 2 kids, and I just said to my husband the other day, that even with how much the kids are driving us crazy, and we are going stir crazy, I can’t imagine if this had happened when I was single and having had to spend these last 3+ months alone. Cut her some slack. She’s probably lonely and fighting off depression because of it.

[Anonymous]

OP- YOU take control of how much of yourself you give to her. Call her back at 4:00pm. Every other day. For 15 minutes. Whatever. You decide. When it's -you- that has determined the schedule (even if she is unaware of it), it will be empowering. You owe it to yourself to manage your contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with a family member who has no self awareness and constantly tries to demand sympathy for being the “victim”? My sister has always been like this but it’s taken on a whole new level thanks to Covid and I truly can’t deal with her anymore.

Sister is 35 and single. She calls me daily to complain about how much life sucks for her right now - she is bored, has run out of TV shows to watch, is tired of working from home, hates her job in general because it’s so slow right now, wants to go out with her friends (which she would happily do but they are social distancing) etc. She wants me to agree that she has it worse than everyone else in the world and complains that I have no sympathy for what she is going through. First off, everyone is experiencing the effects of Covid and she is not unique. Second, not only do I have a job, but also 3 kids, 2 I am homeschooling and one who is a baby who needs 24/7 attention, I am trying to keep my disaster of a house even somewhat clean and find a few minutes a day to myself which never happens. Running out of shows on Netflix is just not something i can relate to. She never asks how I am doing or how the kids are managing. She just throws her own pity party.

I have stopped answering her calls and when I do I tell her I have to go and hang up as soon as she starts ranting. I have called her out before for being so clueless but she truly believes she is always more put out than everyone else.

Everyone has lost something, it isn’t a contest. Does she live alone? Not seeing people, when you live alone can be devastating. I am seeing it play out with my neighbor right now- she has gone down a very dark hole. You are probably the one person your sister feels comfortable in complaining too. Maybe you could have designated vent conversations and designated positive conversations.

No OP, you don’t owe your sister a dang thing. She is old enough to understand how much easier this is for her than it is for you and your husband. Honestly, do not pick up the phone. Text her a reply saying you’re too busy with the
Kids or work or dinner or whatever. She will eventually get the point.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a little sister thing. My sister is 13 years younger and she is nearing 30 and is finally starting to be less of pain in the ass. She used to call in a panic over EVERYTHING all. the. time. I used to dread when she called. What I did was told her to vent to me in text as much as she wanted. I told her I wouldn’t always be able to respond right away, but if there was something she needed to get off her chest to text it. She has matured a lot over the past year and isn’t nearly as negative. When I noticed improvements in her ability to handle tough situations, I made sure to point out that out and praise her for it. I think this gave her the confidence to be less needy. I enjoy our relationship so much more, and it is less one sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with a family member who has no self awareness and constantly tries to demand sympathy for being the “victim”? My sister has always been like this but it’s taken on a whole new level thanks to Covid and I truly can’t deal with her anymore.

Sister is 35 and single. She calls me daily to complain about how much life sucks for her right now - she is bored, has run out of TV shows to watch, is tired of working from home, hates her job in general because it’s so slow right now, wants to go out with her friends (which she would happily do but they are social distancing) etc. She wants me to agree that she has it worse than everyone else in the world and complains that I have no sympathy for what she is going through. First off, everyone is experiencing the effects of Covid and she is not unique. Second, not only do I have a job, but also 3 kids, 2 I am homeschooling and one who is a baby who needs 24/7 attention, I am trying to keep my disaster of a house even somewhat clean and find a few minutes a day to myself which never happens. Running out of shows on Netflix is just not something i can relate to. She never asks how I am doing or how the kids are managing. She just throws her own pity party.

I have stopped answering her calls and when I do I tell her I have to go and hang up as soon as she starts ranting. I have called her out before for being so clueless but she truly believes she is always more put out than everyone else.

Everyone has lost something, it isn’t a contest. Does she live alone? Not seeing people, when you live alone can be devastating. I am seeing it play out with my neighbor right now- she has gone down a very dark hole. You are probably the one person your sister feels comfortable in complaining too. Maybe you could have designated vent conversations and designated positive conversations.

No OP, you don’t owe your sister a dang thing. She is old enough to understand how much easier this is for her than it is for you and your husband. Honestly, do not pick up the phone. Text her a reply saying you’re too busy with the
Kids or work or dinner or whatever. She will eventually get the point.

The point is that it might not be easier for her. Logistically easier, perhaps, but being totally alone is hard. Isolation is not good for people's mental health. OP and her sister are experiencing this pandemic in different ways -- for OP, it feels like more work and less free time, perhaps, but for her sister it feels lonely and isolating. It's not a competition. Both OP and her sister have it much easier than people who can't pay the rent or who have lost their jobs or who have sick family members or who have become seriously ill. I think that it's fine not to want to listen to her vent every day, but it's not about teaching her sister that her concerns and struggles don't matter. It's just about finding a balance of how much support you can give, and then drawing that line. Every day is a lot. Don't answer the phone. Call her back when you have a minute, but keep the calls short. Don't call more than you can handle. Use some of 3:49's strategies. But it's not about you being more put-upon than her. You just have different issues, and you can't keep being her only venting target.