Signs of impending death in an elderly loved one.
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Anonymous
| Delirium. Yes, press their hands, talk to them, be kind. It can be scary... for them. |
Anonymous
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My mother is a nurse and told me that my grandmother was about to die by touching her feet and legs and they were colder. That was one of the signs she saw in hospital when they had elderly people die.
More obvious signs were less appetite and lethargy. |
Anonymous
This is such an important point. I read a lot about death toward the end and there seems to be the common lore that you are supposed to hold vigil by their bedside until the end. Many experts say that is often more for YOU than for them. So many people finally pass when given peace to be on their own. They even found among those families where they were determined to have someone their 24-7 and they took turns for hours on end, it wasn't until someone left for the bathroom or got a drink of water, the person passed. In fact, sometimes when the holding vigil goes on for weeks on end, a kind medical professional will suggest you give the loved one a break for an hour so if they are ready, they can pass and sure enough they do. I think it's good to do final visits and if it helps you spiritually to be there for the last breath than so be it, but what is wrong is the families that guilt trip people into being there for 8 hour stretches when in reality you may be making the loved one uncomfortable. This whole "nobody should die alone" should really mean, try to visit and say your goodbyes, show you love and let them be at peace with letting go. It does not mean drop everything and be there every second. If you were fully living and not about to pass would you want your family there every second of every day with no break? |
Anonymous
This is such an important point. I read a lot about death toward the end and there seems to be the common lore that you are supposed to hold vigil by their bedside until the end. Many experts say that is often more for YOU than for them. So many people finally pass when given peace to be on their own. They even found among those families where they were determined to have someone their 24-7 and they took turns for hours on end, it wasn't until someone left for the bathroom or got a drink of water, the person passed. In fact, sometimes when the holding vigil goes on for weeks on end, a kind medical professional will suggest you give the loved one a break for an hour so if they are ready, they can pass and sure enough they do. I think it's good to do final visits and if it helps you spiritually to be there for the last breath than so be it, but what is wrong is the families that guilt trip people into being there for 8 hour stretches when in reality you may be making the loved one uncomfortable. This whole "nobody should die alone" should really mean, try to visit and say your goodbyes, show you love and let them be at peace with letting go. It does not mean drop everything and be there every second. If you were fully living and not about to pass would you want your family there every second of every day with no break? |
Anonymous
Thank you. This is a very comforting post. |
Anonymous
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I was with my mom when she died at 90. She had been diagnosed with cancer three months earlier. She was mostly lucid and relatively normal, although not leaving her bedroom much, most of the three months. Two days before she died she was sitting up on the side of her bed opening her Christmas presents and talking to her kids and grandkids. She didn't have much appetite but she did eat.
The next day she never really fully woke up. She wasn't unconscious, she was sleeping restlessly. She seemed to be uncomfortable so we gave her morphine on her gums every few hours (per hospice.) We played music and talked to her and held her hand. She had an expressed fear of dying alone so we definitely stayed with her, meaning me and my siblings. Day two of not really being awake or alert was a little worse so we increased the morphine to about every hour. She died that night about 11. We were there with her when she died. I am very glad for that. It was kind of hard but also somehow comforting for us. She was never in a lot of pain but definitely some. She had the breathing rattle the last few hours. So, that's what it was like. |
Anonymous
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I lost both of my parents in the last few years. With my dad, he had been sick for a long time, and was under hospice care at home. He was very weak, but stable, for weeks. Then one week before he died, he stopped eating. When I call the doctor to discuss, I was told it's time to get close family members to their home and say goodbye. My brother flew out with his family. We actually had a nice few days where the house was full of people and others came to say goodbye too. He was aware and alert until hours before his death. He mostly slept that day. Around 6pm we noticed that his breathing had become much more labored. He was gone within minutes after that.
My mom also died at home under hospice care. She slept most of the last two days, was in a state of delirium. I was at her bedside playing music to her. She just slipped away. I remember after her last air intake I waited for the exhale but it never came. |
Anonymous
| Thank you for this post. It is heartbreaking to read, but you have some very insightful perspectives. |
Anonymous
| When people say they said their goodbyes, do they mean that literally? Does the dying person know they’re dying and is it mutually acknowledged? Or do folks just say I love you and show appreciation? With Covid you hear people say they had to say goodbye on FaceTime. Are they saying goodbye or wishing them to get better and saying I love you, even though the person may be dying? |
Anonymous
I think in most cases it's pretty obvious the patient is dying, so loved ones do say goodbyes. There was no point in wishing them to get better. Two days before my mom died (she was in hospice care at home) she asked to facetime with her siblings in her home country. There was very little they said or could say, but she literally said goodbye to them and waved to the screen before signing off. It's closure for all of them. |
Anonymous
| Oftentimes, too, the loved one who is dying is holding on for family members. In some cases, people need to be given permission to die. That it's okay to let go. That you love them. |
Anonymous
This is a beautiful story. No one wants to die or lose a parent but if it has to happen, this seems like a loving way to go. My grandfather was hanging up curtains after washing them when he instantly died of a stroke. He lived alone, had learned to cook after grandma passed and was self sufficient for a decade. He had been a WW2 pilot and a very productive man, so I have a feeling he would have considered this a good way to go - active until the last second. To the OP, basically there were no signs. We knew he had old age diabetes and want interested in giving up his sausages... |
Anonymous
| My dad was talking to family members who had passed right before he went. So that is part of the transition too. |
Anonymous
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Dad was an alcoholic for decades. Towards the end he ate very little. He mostly drank his calories beginning at 10:00 am. He died in his sleep.
It was a blessing as most deaths from alcoholism can be horific. |
Anonymous
| When FIL was in hospice I was surprised to learn about the burst of energy before death. |