Thoughts on Seeing My Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the risk if you visit outside, stay 6’ feet apart, and wear masks?

extremely small

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with this as well, but with a twist. My elderly parents, who both have underlying conditions, live a couple hours away by car. We've been strictly socially isolating since March 14th. No school, no office, no stores. My parents, not so much. They go to the grocery store, the doctor, and the convenience store (nearly daily) and who knows where else. They also still have their housecleaner coming. BUT they have a backyard. We're cooped up inside a condo. It would be so nice for my kids to be able to play outside while I work. As it is now, they have to stay cooped up inside with me until I log off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh--I totally get it. Since this is an anonymous forum I'll post what I did even though I've kept it pretty secret from others to avoid the shaming. We had our parents come and visit. They really really wanted to. We all knew the risks (they are elderly and like most people not in perfect health). But we also knew the benefits (my dad is deeply struggling with depression and was worried that he may never see the grandkids again which could be true). It was wonderful. Luckily no one got sick. We didn't take any precautions when we were together. We'd all been pretty strict other than grocery runs with social distancing up until that point. My 3yo son was so unbelievably happy when he saw them that literally it brings tears to my eyes typing this.

Call us all selfish, but honestly, I think until testing gets so much better that you can get a test whenever you want, people are going to be faced with tricky decisions like this. Especially because there is no real end in sight anytime soon.

Not shaming you but note you used the word luckily. And no one has gotten sick yet. I hope it remains that way as there are many asymptomatic carriers out there. Glad I didn't have to make the decision you did. I don't think it was selfish. Selfish is beach week.

This is so hard. My parents with several risk factors are 8 hours and two flights away and we live in a hotspot. I'm worried one or both aren't going to make it through this, but don't know how to deal with flights, quarantining for at least few days, work, and no one getting sick in the process in order to see them. I'm really worried that they'll get sick regardless, and how to care for them given I have two underlying conditions, hence, me going nowhere this whole time. I hate the stress of this, and the guilt I feel when they are so sad on the phone.

Anyway, glad you found a way to see your parents. I know that it helped your dad a lot.

Ugh PP, I feel you. It did help my dad a lot. It helped all of us a lot. But they were within driving distance (5 hours so a long drive but not too long). My brothers are too far away to do this easily. One of my friends lives on the west coast and found out her father's cancer is back and it's terminal (no clear idea how much time is left). She is planning to visit by driving across country and sleeping in her car and the quarantining for two weeks elsewhere before seeing her dad. It is amazing the things people are going to have to navigate to see family as safely as possible (again not zero risk). She has no children so this scheme is doable for her. If my parents were on the other coast I'd have no idea. DH's mom is in North Dakota and in poor health. She wants to take plane and visit us in October... we're not really sure what to do because honestly, we may never see her again. Driving almost non stop would take 3 days and we have 2 young kids.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in Maryland? You could get tested, and then go visit.

I have been extremely good about locking down since mid-March but it's clear that this is going to be with us until next year and I think we all have to figure out what risks are worth taking and how to behave responsibly but we cannot go on forever in isolation.

I would say there might be a reason to do it now and not wait until maybe schools re-open in some way and your kids have had a lot more exposure.

[Anonymous]

This has been posed in so many threads. There is nothing new to say.

If you and your parents are both comfortable with the same level of risk and are willing and able to take those steps, then yes go visit. So if you both agree that each household needs to be fully isolated for 10 days and you spell out what that means (do you get groceries and packages delivered? Is a walk outside okay? doesn't really matter your answers as long as you both agree), and then you do it, there's no questions.

If one of you thinks it's important to self isolate and the other thinks it's fine to go to Target every day, it's never going to work because you aren't on the same page.

If you both agree to the level of risk, but logistically you can't make it happen (one of you still has to go the office, or the travel to get there is too demanding) it's really sad, but you can't do it.

That's it. This doesn't need to be asked over and over and over. Figure out your level of comfort, communicate that, see if it's reciprocated, and make a plan to have it happen, or realize it won't happen and move on.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law just left this morning after staying for a week. She lives in TN so was able to drive. My father in law will be staying with us in a couple weeks.

If my husband can find the time off from work (it’s been insane lately with so many people out), we will make the trip their way.

My family is on the west coast so it’s too long of a drive and I’m not flying anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

With a 4 and a 6 year old how are you getting to NJ without stopping for someone to go to the bathroom? You seem to be only concerned about your parents' health, so are you not at all worried about yourselves? Also, how would your nanny feel about that? We are paying ours to stay home because even though she's young she has a health issue and we want her to be safe even though we are doing everything we can to limit our interactions with people but I think she'd have every right to be upset if we drove up the PA turnpike and stopped to eat and/or go the bathroom and then expected her to come back to work when we got back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the risk if you visit outside, stay 6’ feet apart, and wear masks?

You realize there's nothing magical about six feet, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the risk if you visit outside, stay 6’ feet apart, and wear masks?

You realize there's nothing magical about six feet, right?

Why do you say that? Please provide links if applicable.

[Anonymous]

We would not need to stop to use the bathroom on the way; they are only 3 hours away. My kids also pee like twice a day but that is a different issue. I am not as concerned with our health and have taken some risks (e.g., going to the grocery store once a week, and continuing to employ a nanny who lives by herself and has represented that she is social distancing but still grocery shops)

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with this too. My dad in particular is having a hard time with isolation. He is in his early 80s and keeps saying, “is this how I am to spend my last years? I don’t have much time left anyway? If this is all there is, what’s the point?” I know he’d love to see me and My son, but the drive Is 4 hours, so hard to just go and return in a day.
Like another PP, I am both concerned about taking something to him, and a bit nervous about being near him as he has been out and about more than I. So hard to know. I think we will have to see him and my mom, who lives in the same town as him, but would be happy not to see anyone for another few years, this summer. But not quite yet.

[Anonymous]

My parents are a short drive away (1.5 hours). We went 10 weeks without seeing them...they isolated as much as possible, and we did, as well. That was broken when they ended up staying with us for several days to watch our 4yo DD while I was at the hospital giving birth to DC#2. They left after we returned home from the hospital, which was nearly 3 weeks ago.
My mom will likely be coming back for a few days next week. She has some health conditions that put her at a higher risk from COVID, but she feels that the risk of getting seriously ill is outweighed by the level of depression and loneliness she is dealing with now (she is accustomed to spending lots of time around my family). I can’t even imagine trying to keep us separated from my parents until a vaccine is available...that could be a year or more away.
Frankly, I am already dealing with some PPD issues myself, and I’ve been specifically asked by two different care providers as to whether or not family support/help is possible, even considering the current pandemic situation. At least some health professionals are acknowledging the toll such separation is having on mental health.