Found great guy, but don't think I'm ready

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a girl was posting saying she met a guy but he had a lot of emotional issues including fear of abandonment and poor communication, people would be telling her to stay away.

To be in healthy relationship, you don't need to be perfect or have everything figured out but you need to be healthy enough yourself that you can be healthy in a relationship. It isn't really fair to the other person to drag them into an emotional mess. It sounds like you aren't sure if you are emotionally healthy enough to be in this relationship. That might be something to talk to a therapist about to get a sense of how your current issues might impact you in a relationship.

You also need to absolutely let him know where you are at so he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to take on your emotional needs and issues.

I think there’s a difference between someone with emotional issues who doesn’t realize they have issues/won’t address them, and someone who recognizes they have a problem and are seeking help.

My current SO has unresolved trauma but is in therapy, is very self-aware, and we talk about how we can address it as a couple. The SO before that had trauma but was in complete denial, refused to talk with me about it, and dealt with it by getting drunk constantly then freaking out that I was going to leave. Huge difference between the two. I can deal with abandonment issues but the other person needs to actually talk with me about it.

OP, the best thing you can do is explain it to him and tell him exactly what you need. He’ll either step up and you guys will be fine, or he won’t and you can end things then.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you OP.

My ex lost his damn mind about 4 years ago. Two year awful disgusting hateful divorce that I could not end no matter what.

I met a great guy 18 mos post split - but was really just looking to date casually as I have three kids and they are my focus- I will not marry again.

When he expressed feelings sooner, I ran a little. Went distant, communicated that I was just scared and not ready- and he stayed in my life. He kept checking in on me. He tried to be my friend- at a time when I didn’t have many. So I realized that I’m used to relationship with a malignant narcissist- the peacefulness unsettled me!!! I am for sure damaged after dealing with verbal abuse and abandonment. But I’m easing back into it and trying to learn how to be honest but be brave at the same time.

I won’t do it perfectly but as long as I am clear and honest I’m worth taking a shot and so are you OP. Good luck.