Gay Aunt or Uncle's new baby...

[Anonymous]

Do you spend a lot of time with your child's aunts or uncles? Why are you sure there will be lots of difficult questions? My son's not quite a year old, and my brother and his partner come to DC to visit every few months. Wouldn't occur to me to act any differently around them with DS than without. I suspect DS will understand without much elaboration on anyone else's part that these men are a couple. To me they're a fabulous example for my son of a loving committed couple that continues to actively enjoy each others' company and tolerate each others' quirks. When DS is old enough to have more adult questions about their relationship, it'll be like handling any other adult questions (where do babies come from, what happens when we die, etc).

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how this is any different from explaining to your kid any couple's baby. My SIL and her boyfriend just had a kid...and I stated to my daughter that Aunt Kris and Uncle Dave had a baby girl. End of story. Why would it be any different in a gay household? Uncle Chris and Uncle Dave just had a baby. Same story. Whether or not you choose to explain the whole penis/vagina penis/penis relationship is another issue entirely.

I agree with the posters who stated that you sound condescending and a bit of a troublemaker. YOU are the one with the problem, not your kid. Just explain the situation -- you are not being called upon to explain homosexuality or lesbian relationships. Parent + Parent + Baby = family, no matter what the gender.

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand this "their friend had a baby and it's your cousin" issue on your part. Would you feel the same way if it was a female friend who had a baby? Would it not be their cousin?

[Anonymous]

How about the strict Christian families that believe being gay is a sin and they don't bring it up to their kids because then they'd have to explain why Aunt so and so is sinning but we still love her anyway? I say this as a lesbian myself who knows this is my Brother's position "on my lifestyle" and know for a fact that he doesn't want to have to broach the topic with his kids for that reason. Not everyone is a flaming liberal (I wish they were). While you and I and most of our friends would give the previous explanations with out a pause, there are people who truly feel it's a sin. I know my Brother's position on it is: "Hate the sin, but love the sinner." Of coarse I am not happy with that. But knowing how they feel, they would NEVER use any of the above explanations to their children, they would avoid the topic entirely. Up until now, everyone I have ever been in a relationship with is my "friend" to them, so I can understand the OP's mentality on it, but I don't like it. I fully expect when we have kids my relationship with my Brother's family will go away and I will miss my Nieces & Nephews greatly. I hope the OP views her relationship with her gay sibling as being more important to keep than to passing judgement on someone else's "lifestyle". Brothers & sisters are irreplaceable.

[jsteele]

Let's please try to keep responses limited to addressing the original query (or polite discussion of the general topic). Attacking the original poster for "having a problem" or stating that you are offended really is not helpful. Just about every third person who comes to DCUM seems to be offended by something, so let's just assume that being offended is the default situation around here. A number of the posters have offered constructive and helpful replies for which I thank them. Anyone reading the 10:35 post side-by-side with the 11:08 post should have no trouble understanding which will achieve a more positive result, which is what everyone should want.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to perhaps digress, esp. given Jeff's post, but the last comment makes me want to point out to please not assume all "strict Christian" churches think homosexuality is a sin. I go to an Episcopal church where we've had several openly gay rectors.

And our 5-year-old has met a lot of homosexual couples with kids and he just matter of factly notes that so and so has "two mommies" or "two daddies" and has not asked any other questions...

[Anonymous]

Based on what I've seen, kids who have contact with gay couples understand that a gay couple is a couple just like the married couples they know - kids don't think in terms of sex. To them a relationship is about living together and splitting chores and about being especially nice to each other and liking to hang around with each other. It's almost absurd to think that by avoiding talking about the issue you can hide it from kids. Kids are both very perceptive and very open to things and ideas that adults are not. I think it would be unfortunate if 11:08's brother cut off contact after she has kids so as to avoid discussing the nature of the relationship because, undoubtedly, the kids already know.

[Anonymous]

My friend has kids a little older than yours, and when their cousin was born to their lesbian aunt she didn't bother to explain anything. She says her kids just seem to get and accept it, and don't ask questions.

[Anonymous]

I think the 11:08 poster does have a point. People who are less liberal would not be comfortable with any of the responses above. They just don't even see it that way. Who knows where the OP stands, we all can see that she is uncomfortable. Lashing out of her doesn't help, but neither does saying that we should only focus on the positive and give some stock everyone is family response. I know of a dozen relatives that don't consider our family to be a family and wouldn't be caught dead saying any thing like this to their kids. I think the 11:08 poster was just trying to point out that not everyone comes from the same mind set. That's a valid point. OP, I would say your 9 year old knows more than you think he/she does. My nephews got it long before anyone ever tried to explain it to them. Kids are pretty smart.

[Anonymous]

I've really enjoyed reading this thread, because it reminds me of one of my favorite conversations that I had with my daughter when she was 5. She asked me "how do you know who to marry?" I told her I thought it was a good idea to marry someone who would be your best friend, someone that you really liked spending a lot of time with, and who would share hard work with you, and was good at taking turns, and was honest. It didn't occur to me to specify gender. Her immediate reaction was, "I'm going to marry Natasha!" This was her best friend in pre-school. Well, I was a bit startled, and responded that yes, she might want to marry Natasha, but once she grows up she might end up wanting to marry a boy, because usually girls marry boys. So she asked me if girls could marry girls. And I said, well, they can in Massachusetts, and maybe soon in other states, too. And then she pointed out that there was a girl in her kindergarten who had two moms, so she thought it would be okay for her to marry Natasha.

Kids don't even want to be near kids of the opposite gender for many years of their childhood, so it seems perfectly fine to them to have a family where both grown-ups are the same gender.

[Anonymous]

PP Great story. It reminds me of my friend's 3 1/2 yr old who grew up with several pre-school friends who had same sex parents. Every time she met a new child she would ask "Now... do you have a mommy & a daddy, or 2 mommies, or 2 daddies.. or what?" One day she did it when her conservative grandparents were visiting and they about fell over. We laughed about that for years. Kids aren't the ones who are freaked out about it, it's usually the grown ups who make it a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Great stories! Children are loving and open beings - they don't discriminate, don't judge, don't hate. It's wonderful, isn't it?? Tell them that there are MANY different kinds of families. Not just 2 mommies, 2 daddies, 1 of each, 2 of each in the case of stepfamilies, single moms, single dads, some raised by grandparents, some by aunts and uncles. The only common denominator is that they are FAMILY - family being defined as people committed to loving and raising that child, whether the child be biologically or otherwise related. All children should be loved and cared for - and there are many ways to do that. Even a "Christian" homophobe family should teach their own kids that. Let the kids grow and make up their own mind without filling their heads with hate/discrimination.

[Anonymous]

I have to say as a lesbian soon-to-be mom, this has been an interesting post to read. I am nervous to tell my relatives, even though I think they will just be excited to have a new baby in the family (there has not been one in a while). I suspect that my nervousness stems from I feel I am forcing them to have a conversation with their kids about my lifestyle. The reality is that my family has accepted me and my partner into their houses as long as we have been together, and I just need to stop worrying.

[Anonymous]

Just a little vignette - On our fridge we have a holiday photo card from a family friend (2 lesbian moms and their adult daughter). My 4.5 yr old daughter recently noticed the photos and asked who they were and I explained they were "Sarah and her moms Diane and Barbara." She then reacted with total shock.... Her shock was not that there were two moms and one daughter, but that one of the moms had the same name as my mom! My point is, you never know what will grab a child's attention or elicit questions.

[Anonymous]

"My point is, you never know what will grab a child's attention or elicit questions. "

Exactly. And I bet the OP's valid concern is that her child may ask why his/her new cousin doesn't have a mommy or a daddy. Any kid growing up w/ a mom and a dad who hasn't encountered a family w/ two mommies or two daddies may naturally be curious about this -- it's natural for a child to ask questions, and I bet the OP is merely trying to prepare herself for the best way to explain the situation w/out going into too many age-inappropriate details. IMHO, the best answer is "some families have a mommy and a daddy -- and some have two mommies -- or two daddies, etc." If the kid presses, go to my default answer: "because that's what God wanted."