How much weight to give for a child's middle school preferences?

[Anonymous]

You are the adult here. How many of your friends from fourth grade are you still in contact with?

[Anonymous]

We let our kids decide because we didn't present them with options we couldn't live with, and we made clear that we would revisit options if things didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the adult here. How many of your friends from fourth grade are you still in contact with?

About 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the adult here. How many of your friends from fourth grade are you still in contact with?

About 10.

gross

[Anonymous]

I think you can safely fill out the lottery application for all options, with the understanding that this is a family decision to make and all options are on the table. Depending how the lottery goes, you may not need to make any decisions at all. If your child is admitted to both Latin and Basis, I’d let them have the tie breaking vote. It is their life and they are the one who has to attend the school at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Generally speaking, I do think the child's opinion should be one of the factors you consider. I also think it is a great opportunity to allow your child to have a voice and take part in a big decision making process.

[Anonymous]

Agree about waiting till after the lottery. But let the child know that it is no sure thing her friends will stay. We've had the unhappy surprise of booster families and good friends of our kids' lotterying out of our HRCS, families I never thught would leave, families that are always pow-wowing with the head of the school and talking about what a special community it is. Poof they are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your kid certain his friends aren't lotterying? I had friends that did the lottery every year even though they were perfectly happy at their current school. Some even moved on to different schools after unexpectedly getting into some other "great" school.

This. We were at a DCI feeder and everyone was still seemingly drinking the kool aid then suddenly they peeled off in 5th for Latin and Basis without letting anyone know they even applied. Most didn't say anything until the last day of school for 4th or even later. Then it was all DCI rah rah in 5th grade, and again poof - kids didn't show up there. I spoke with some other friends who peeled off in third grade and once they did, they said people came out of the woodwork to tell them they've been applying trying to lottery out.

For us, we let our MS child weigh in for Deal vs. DCI. Luckily DC chose Deal because I'm not sure what we would have done if we weren't all in agreement. We probably would have had to pull rank. However, there was a post-decision wavering day or two when it really hit DC that they wouldn't be with their friends. Then everything was fine again and DC is very happy with the decision, as are we. DC has had a fabulous MS experience thus far and we haven't looked back.

My advice is to apply then see if you even have a choice to make. Then if you do have a choice, tell your child that the parents decide but the child's input has a lot of weight. Then show DC the pros of the other school (Latin or another), like clubs, athletics, academics, etc. Lunch matters a lot to some kids at this age so be clear about that If your child has any friends at Latin then mention that. Explain how you'll help your child acclimate. for example, Deal had RISE camp so we explained DC would go to that. She did and absolutely loved it.

Good luck and I hope you end up with some wonderful options!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally speaking, I do think the child's opinion should be one of the factors you consider. I also think it is a great opportunity to allow your child to have a voice and take part in a big decision making process.

After shepherding two kids through middle and high school choices, this statement rings true with me. Question is indeed how and how much. It's your money (or will be when it's about college) and your choice, that's the baseline. And keep in mind, if you let them choose, there is just about no good reason you should suddenly have a say when it comes to college... All these choices are really about building a matrix of choices on the one hand and criteria on the other. The way to approach this is to let your child have an impact on scoping and especially on defining (and weighing) criteria. If "staying with friends" is an important criterion of your child, then include that. Likewise with languages, which you may care about (or not), commute etc.
Having a strong default, is always a useful approach. If you can't find good reasons to do something that's not the default and a continuation of what works, what are your good reasons to do it? Just because everyone else does, isn't a good enough reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the adult here. How many of your friends from fourth grade are you still in contact with?

About 10.

gross

Why is that gross? We live all over the country, but our parents still live back home and are still friends and we keep in touch.

[Anonymous]

Let our child choose.

[Anonymous]

Explain to your kid that lots of kids may not go to DCI and may leave in fifth grade. Lottery and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your kid certain his friends aren't lotterying? I had friends that did the lottery every year even though they were perfectly happy at their current school. Some even moved on to different schools after unexpectedly getting into some other "great" school.

This. We were at a DCI feeder and everyone was still seemingly drinking the kool aid then suddenly they peeled off in 5th for Latin and Basis without letting anyone know they even applied. Most didn't say anything until the last day of school for 4th or even later. Then it was all DCI rah rah in 5th grade, and again poof - kids didn't show up there. I spoke with some other friends who peeled off in third grade and once they did, they said people came out of the woodwork to tell them they've been applying trying to lottery out.

For us, we let our MS child weigh in for Deal vs. DCI. Luckily DC chose Deal because I'm not sure what we would have done if we weren't all in agreement. We probably would have had to pull rank. However, there was a post-decision wavering day or two when it really hit DC that they wouldn't be with their friends. Then everything was fine again and DC is very happy with the decision, as are we. DC has had a fabulous MS experience thus far and we haven't looked back.

My advice is to apply then see if you even have a choice to make. Then if you do have a choice, tell your child that the parents decide but the child's input has a lot of weight. Then show DC the pros of the other school (Latin or another), like clubs, athletics, academics, etc. Lunch matters a lot to some kids at this age so be clear about that If your child has any friends at Latin then mention that. Explain how you'll help your child acclimate. for example, Deal had RISE camp so we explained DC would go to that. She did and absolutely loved it.

Good luck and I hope you end up with some wonderful options!

NP. Great post, PP, thanks for the inspiration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the adult here. How many of your friends from fourth grade are you still in contact with?

About 10.

gross

Why is that gross? We live all over the country, but our parents still live back home and are still friends and we keep in touch.

Just ignore the weird PP. Someone who uses "gross" as an adjective can't expect to be taken seriously.
As a kid, we moved around a lot. I'm slightly envious of people who have long relationships like this.

[Anonymous]

I can’t emphasize enough that lots of friends will peel off for 5th and 6th, and even within groups that move to MS together there can be seismic shifts in friend groups. When we faced the choice to leave for BASIS, we were surprised to find that two other families we knew pretty well had no plans to send their kids to DCI. Some parents have always planned on privates, the suburbs or Deal for middle school, even if they’ve not mentioned it. Good luck.