Boyfriend Moving In?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Don't move in unless you are engaged. Even though he is spending most of the time at your place, it is better he still has his own place so that you guys can break up easily if needed. Living together before being engaged can create inertia and waste time. It can lead to people not breaking up when they should, or women wasting time living with men who aren't going to commit. If he wants to live with you, he can put a ring on it.

This. I slid into a long term relationship this way, and now we have a child. I don’t regret having him, but it was not the way to go about it. You miss out on some foundational relationship experiences just letting things happen for convenience or to be “nice”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youre in your mid to late 30’s! (You’re not kids)

You’ve been dating fir a year.

Decide if you want to get engaged or break up. You guys are wasting each other’s time. Don’t waste even more time by moving in together when you don’t even know if you want to stay together.

I never said I didn’t know if I wanted to stay together; I very much want him in my life and we have discussed a future together.

But when it comes to moving in together... I don’t want to make such a big change out of convenience but also don’t want to signal that I’m not sympathetic to his awful commute. I guess I’m seeing a problem, something that is clearly adding stress to my boyfriend’s life (the commute), and trying to come up with possible solutions.

Honey, I hope you are in therapy. You already have one failed marriage and I see some red flags. YOUR needs and YOUR goals should come first to you. Not him being more comfortable. It's not your responsibility to fix his commute. And you already are helping, as you let him sleep over some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youre in your mid to late 30’s! (You’re not kids)

You’ve been dating fir a year.

Decide if you want to get engaged or break up. You guys are wasting each other’s time. Don’t waste even more time by moving in together when you don’t even know if you want to stay together.

I never said I didn’t know if I wanted to stay together; I very much want him in my life and we have discussed a future together.

But when it comes to moving in together... I don’t want to make such a big change out of convenience but also don’t want to signal that I’m not sympathetic to his awful commute. I guess I’m seeing a problem, something that is clearly adding stress to my boyfriend’s life (the commute), and trying to come up with possible solutions.

Honey, I hope you are in therapy. You already have one failed marriage and I see some red flags. YOUR needs and YOUR goals should come first to you. Not him being more comfortable. It's not your responsibility to fix his commute. And you already are helping, as you let him sleep over some.

Sure it’s not OP’s responsibility but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to be concerned. I still don’t think they should move in together, but geez that doesn’t mean she needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youre in your mid to late 30’s! (You’re not kids)

You’ve been dating fir a year.

Decide if you want to get engaged or break up. You guys are wasting each other’s time. Don’t waste even more time by moving in together when you don’t even know if you want to stay together.

I never said I didn’t know if I wanted to stay together; I very much want him in my life and we have discussed a future together.

But when it comes to moving in together... I don’t want to make such a big change out of convenience but also don’t want to signal that I’m not sympathetic to his awful commute. I guess I’m seeing a problem, something that is clearly adding stress to my boyfriend’s life (the commute), and trying to come up with possible solutions.

Honey, I hope you are in therapy. You already have one failed marriage and I see some red flags. YOUR needs and YOUR goals should come first to you. Not him being more comfortable. It's not your responsibility to fix his commute. And you already are helping, as you let him sleep over some.

Ha! With OP’s attitude she better start planning for divorce #2

In your 30’s it’s no longer adorably cute to be clueless, it’s just dumb.

[Anonymous]

Why is it your job to manage his commute. Do you not trust him to advocate for himself if he feels it’s too much to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youre in your mid to late 30’s! (You’re not kids)

You’ve been dating fir a year.

Decide if you want to get engaged or break up. You guys are wasting each other’s time. Don’t waste even more time by moving in together when you don’t even know if you want to stay together.

I never said I didn’t know if I wanted to stay together; I very much want him in my life and we have discussed a future together.

But when it comes to moving in together... I don’t want to make such a big change out of convenience but also don’t want to signal that I’m not sympathetic to his awful commute. I guess I’m seeing a problem, something that is clearly adding stress to my boyfriend’s life (the commute), and trying to come up with possible solutions.

Honey, I hope you are in therapy. You already have one failed marriage and I see some red flags. YOUR needs and YOUR goals should come first to you. Not him being more comfortable. It's not your responsibility to fix his commute. And you already are helping, as you let him sleep over some.

Ha! With OP’s attitude she better start planning for divorce #2

In your 30’s it’s no longer adorably cute to be clueless, it’s just dumb.

What a cruel thing to say. I wouldn’t wish a divorce on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get married or dump him. One year is long enough to know if he’s the one.

I guess I should mention that I’m divorced and in no hurry to remarry. Also kids are not in the cards for us.

I tend to agree that one year is long enough but that’s because I usually assume that a couple about my age wants to have kids and is working against a clock.

I’d say the same thing to a woman who was 50 and no chance of ever having kids. Your an adult and so is he. After a year, your either meant to be together or not.

[Anonymous]

His commute, his problem. He can move closer.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell you to have him move in. I think convenience isn't the greatest reason to move in together. But I'd ask him if he wanted a drawer so he could keep some stuff there for the nights he stays over.

[Anonymous]

If you are comfortable with that decision and want him to live with you, ask. He's already living with you if he's there 4 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Get engaged first.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Don't move in unless you are engaged. Even though he is spending most of the time at your place, it is better he still has his own place so that you guys can break up easily if needed. Living together before being engaged can create inertia and waste time. It can lead to people not breaking up when they should, or women wasting time living with men who aren't going to commit. If he wants to live with you, he can put a ring on it.

This. Let him spend time their but keep his own place. I lived with someone before, once they move in it makes it really hard to break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youre in your mid to late 30’s! (You’re not kids)

You’ve been dating fir a year.

Decide if you want to get engaged or break up. You guys are wasting each other’s time. Don’t waste even more time by moving in together when you don’t even know if you want to stay together.

I never said I didn’t know if I wanted to stay together; I very much want him in my life and we have discussed a future together.

But when it comes to moving in together... I don’t want to make such a big change out of convenience but also don’t want to signal that I’m not sympathetic to his awful commute. I guess I’m seeing a problem, something that is clearly adding stress to my boyfriend’s life (the commute), and trying to come up with possible solutions.

Why isn’t he wanting to get married? After a year, it isn’t “rushing” into anything.

[Anonymous]

OP may not want to get married. Maybe she reads DCUM's Relationship Forum regularly and is terrified of marriage considering the horror stories that constantly get posted.

[Anonymous]

You're both adults. You're not seeking marriage. Kids are not in the cards. He's already spending half the week there.

Why worry about it? Don't make it an official "moving in" thing - at least not for quite a while.

If staying over more frequently makes sense then give him a drawer.

If 6 mths or a year from now you find you're de facto living together and it's great, then you can make it official.