If one person announces that they want a divorce...

[Anonymous]

OP how old is your wife?
My DW is mid forties and went through a midlife crisis. She also told me I was controlling. I would say things like honey I'll clean the kitchen, why don't you sit down and relax. She started snapping back that I am telling her what to do, I just thought I was being helpful and nice.
She started rewriting history in her mind about things. Said she wanted a divorce. I did the 180 approach, When I finally gave up on trying to convince her that things were good, things got good. I also ended up with anxiety/depression because of her actions. Now I'm just don't care if she stays or goes

[Anonymous]

My husband always used to tell me he wanted a divorce when he was angry with me (at least twice a year) -it was a means of control and initially it did make me very worried and anxious. Then I realized how unkind he was being holding divorce over me so I told him if he mentioned it one more time he’d better be ready because we would go through with it. He hasn’t said it since and it’s been about 8 years.
I don’t know if this is the case with you and even it it is it’s debatable whether you should stay with such a person as I foolishly did out of fear.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t really matter if this has worked for other marriages. Only yours is at issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends why they want the divorce, if efforts have been made previously to address the issues in the marriage and those failed etc.

What are the reasons behind the request for the divorce. Did it come out of nowhere or were you aware for awhile that your marriage was in trouble?

OP here. I think years of drifting apart since birth of first child almost a decade ago. Spouse says lingering resentments about putting more effort into the marriage (they see this as they've been more active with childcare and household management). Spouse not the best communicator, so while I knew we'd been drifting apart, I didn't know they were this bad. I've been in a funk the past year or so with work stress, so I think that has definitely contributed. Spouse pursues individual hobbies and we don't do much together (unless kids involved).

We had maybe two marital counseling sessions many years ago, but never continued for some reason. Now spouse says not interested. A couple days after announcement, they volunteered that they'd like to pursue individual counseling to make sure this is the right decision going forward.

I'm willing to work to change things on my end that have contributed, but don't know whether other marriages have been repaired in similar situations.

This is the only part that means there's any hope. I think this is on you now - if you want to do everything you can to save your marriage even if you end up divorced in the end, you should do that.

[Anonymous]

We were in marriage counseling very early on in our marriage. Our counselor told us that couples counseling really is most effective when the primary issues relate to communication. I found that individual counseling - we both went - was much, much more helpful for helping us each clarify what we wanted as individuals and from our marriage.

If you want an unorthodox opinion, I'd suggest you take your spouse at their word that they may be doing more in the marriage and you may have been the controlling partner, even if that was unintended. There's recently been a book published that has helped many other couples who are struggling with this same issue. (It's extremely common.) The book is called Fair Play and it includes exercises to help spouses surface the distribution of work issues. You may be surprised at what is actually happening in your marriage.

The other thing I would recommend is that you start developing shared interest, ASAP. Even if you go along with your spouse in their interests for awhile, that's fine. You do need to rebuild the shared part of your marriage.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?

Get your own counseling as well. They sound wise unless they are lying to their therapist.
If you’re dealing with a liar or verbal abuser (or are one), do not go to couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Forgot to mention, they think I'm controlling, and that everything is an argument (re: childcare decisions, vacations, etc.). I come from a family where people forcefully express their opinions, and don't acquiesce unless they agree. I never saw our discussions in this light. Apparently spouse had been going along to get along but feels resentful that I've often gotten my way about things, and haven't listened to their opinion. I'm willing to work on this too.

It sounds like would also really benefit from some individual counseling - and a bonus is that your wife might really view it as you taking action to address the issues in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP again. Forgot to mention, they think I'm controlling, and that everything is an argument (re: childcare decisions, vacations, etc.). I come from a family where people forcefully express their opinions, and don't acquiesce unless they agree. I never saw our discussions in this light. Apparently spouse had been going along to get along but feels resentful that I've often gotten my way about things, and haven't listened to their opinion. I'm willing to work on this too.

It sounds like would also really benefit from some individual counseling - and a bonus is that your wife might really view it as you taking action to address the issues in your marriage.

Agree. I told DH I wanted a divorce and he begged for a chance to change. He has surprised me by how much he’s changed, so things have improved. I am not sure that it’s not too little, too late though. We’ll see. Worth a shot OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in marriage counseling very early on in our marriage. Our counselor told us that couples counseling really is most effective when the primary issues relate to communication. I found that individual counseling - we both went - was much, much more helpful for helping us each clarify what we wanted as individuals and from our marriage.

If you want an unorthodox opinion, I'd suggest you take your spouse at their word that they may be doing more in the marriage and you may have been the controlling partner, even if that was unintended. There's recently been a book published that has helped many other couples who are struggling with this same issue. (It's extremely common.) The book is called Fair Play and it includes exercises to help spouses surface the distribution of work issues. You may be surprised at what is actually happening in your marriage.

The other thing I would recommend is that you start developing shared interest, ASAP. Even if you go along with your spouse in their interests for awhile, that's fine. You do need to rebuild the shared part of your marriage.

Good luck.

I agree with this. And I would suggest couples counseling over individual (or do both but not just individual). Work on this together and get through it, if you can. I would be open to it. So many people have knee-jerk reactions to recommend divorce, but I would give it every chance if there's not an outside factor (i.e. infidelity) that you know of. Best of luck to you in whatever path you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it depends on the spouses' personality. DH tells me he wants a divorce at least once a year, but never follows through. I think it is just immature communication on his part. Instead of expressing his feelings in details at the time....i.e. I feel hurt, I was disappointed when you did ABC, etc...he just blurts out that he wants a divorce. He stays in a bad mood for some days and goes back t o life as normal. I findi t very dysfunctional, but wanted to provide another POV for you.

That’s psycho

[Anonymous]

This is a signal that the marriage is in trouble. Marriage is a wonderful relationship when it is built on the right foundation and each member is doing their part to maintain the relationship and carry out their responsibilities. But when marriage is not working it is often that the members need to go back to the beginning. Both of you must be ready to do this. Both of you must determine that they are willing to do whatever it takes to have this marriage relationship. Both of you must commit to do what it takes.
I suggest that you start with the book “Ready to Wed.” Maybe you weren’t ready and if either of you don’t understand what marriage is all about you will continue to fail in this type of relationship no matter who you are with.
If it were I, I would let him go to counseling, alone is better than none, and maybe the counselor will suggest that you do it together. I suggest for you that you call this number 855 382 5433 and ask them to refer you to someone to help you to know how to handle all that is going on and not going on. This is the best referral I know of to help in situations like this. I am praying for you to find resolution and acceptance. Blessings to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?

If there’s no infidelity, drug use or abuse, then what is the reason they want a divorce?

Maybe the marriage was a mistake to begin with? Maybe because they have been miserable for years maybe even in the beginning? Maybe because goals never aligned and no compromise? Maybe because they don’t act married? Maybe control issues, emotional abuse, barley speaking and no time together or sex for YEARS? Hey, I just described my 10-year marriage I am leaving. It is not always just the three A’s.