Struggling

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and cheat. I would if I were you.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t cheat. No reason to do so since you can just divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've only been married 2.5 years (have been together 7 years total). We are both in our mid 30s. We have no children and don't plan on having any. I haven't gained weight, and neither of us has experienced any major stress or changes in our lives over the past few years.

And yet, DH seems to have completely lost interest in me romantically and sexually. I've always had a higher sex drive than his, but he used to at least put in effort to keep me happy in bed. Before marriage we usually had sex 2-3 times per week. Almost as soon as we tied the knot it decreased to about once per week, and over the past year it's been about once every 3 weeks, and even then it only happens when I push for it.

I've tried many ways to entice him, like wearing new lingerie, giving him a sensual back rub, watching porn together, and offered to act out any of his fantasies. He always says he is too tired or not in the mood, and when he finally does have sex with me, it's after weeks of me asking for it, and he seems to do it basically to get me to shut up about it.

Additionally, he rarely wants to be close or affectionate with me. When I try to snuggle on the couch while we watch TV he says he's not comfortable and when I suggest that we move around so he can get comfortable he says "I am comfortable, just not when you lay on me."

When I try to talk to him about why he is acting this way he insists there isn't a problem and he's just stressed and/or tired. I make more money than he does and I also work significantly longer hours, though I suppose the stress level of our jobs is similar. I've asked him about counseling, either together or just for himself, and he is adamantly against it. FWIW I feel pretty confident that he's not cheating on me; I think it's some combination of him getting bored of me and our routine, struggling with depression, low sex drive, etc.

Those issues have been going on for a while, and getting much worse over the past year or so.

Then last week, at a happy hour networking event I attended with a work colleague, I met a man who really piqued my interest; the first time my interest has been piqued by a man since I met DH almost 8 years ago. We chatted at the event and then met up for a drink the following night. So far it's all been very innocent; literally just talking (and even the talking itself has been innocent), but I am struggling to convince myself as to why I should keep things so innocent when DH obviously isn't interested in keeping me happy sexually.

I think you should go to therapy on your own. Mid-30's, having to beg for sex from a partner that won't talk about the issue is not a good place to be in. I think you owe it to your husband to at least tell him that his refusal to even talk about this issue is making you think about divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were going on our second year of marriage and feeling bla. We are late 30's with our own kids, but I have full custody of my 3 and DHs son lives with his mom.

We have decided to Live Apart Together (LAT) and its been great. He's an Aquarius and I a Gemini and we both love our freedom and independence but love each other dearly.

Three months into the LAT relationship and its been going great!

What is that?

Its a too scared to divorce combined with low sex drives kinda relationship.

No hun. Educate yourself.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

Did you really provide a link to an article with photographic examples of LAT relationships that are comical? Really. The couple looks like they are at least 20 years apart. One of the benefits of cohabiting is having a physical relationship, that example proves the point of them being between low drive folks. Who wants to take the train evey night to have sex with their husband? Especially afyer 10 years.Friends without benefits.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he and any of his family members are in the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he has low testosterone.
If that is the case - he should seek medical attention.

Or he could be gay.

It really is odd that a MAN (especially!) would be so uninterested in sex.
Could he be bored? Depressed??

Whatever the issue is, he needs to be more active in the bedroom.

Try using a sex toy & pleasuring yourself while lying side by side w/him in the bed.
Be open w/your gratification.

If he doesn’t react positively to this, then I would suggest counseling or a “come to Jesus” conversation stat.

Good luck.
Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he and any of his family members are in the spectrum?

Not you again!

[Anonymous]

Is he on medication for depression? That’ll do it.

[Anonymous]

You are in your 30s and not compatible. You don't have kids. This is only going to be more of a problem as you age. Move on. You don't have children. This is easy. Move on, but don't complicate the process by getting involved with someone. Wait until you are free and then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he and any of his family members are in the spectrum?

Not you again!

NP here--this is a valid question, as I unfortunately know from experience. OP, RUN! I would have done this years ago if no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were going on our second year of marriage and feeling bla. We are late 30's with our own kids, but I have full custody of my 3 and DHs son lives with his mom.

We have decided to Live Apart Together (LAT) and its been great. He's an Aquarius and I a Gemini and we both love our freedom and independence but love each other dearly.

Three months into the LAT relationship and its been going great!

What is that?

Its a too scared to divorce combined with low sex drives kinda relationship.

No hun. Educate yourself.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/23/never-lived-together-married-couples-live-apart

Did you really provide a link to an article with photographic examples of LAT relationships that are comical? Really. The couple looks like they are at least 20 years apart. One of the benefits of cohabiting is having a physical relationship, that example proves the point of them being between low drive folks. Who wants to take the train evey night to have sex with their husband? Especially afyer 10 years.Friends without benefits.

There are other articles as well; here’s one https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/2019/08/240692/couples-living-apart-together-meaning-married-benefits

Anyhow, just because you don’t agree or don’t like it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for others. Further more, the same things can happen living under the same roof than living a part. Have you heard of the lawyer husband and stay at home wife?

[Anonymous]

Pretty serious that you went on a date, while still married.

I say confront your husband with the fact that you want him to try therapy (alone or as a couple, because as you said, he could be depressed) or you are seriously thinking of divorce. Are you perhaps afraid that divorce would appeal to him?

An affair is a dysfunctional "solution" to your problem. Fix that first.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he realizes you have checked out and are dating other men.

First step would be a physical work up.

If he has depression - that is a big contributing factor.

There are a pretty decent percentage of marriages where sex only happens once or twice a month. I would say that isn't outside the range of normal for a lot of marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've only been married 2.5 years (have been together 7 years total). We are both in our mid 30s. We have no children and don't plan on having any. I haven't gained weight, and neither of us has experienced any major stress or changes in our lives over the past few years.

And yet, DH seems to have completely lost interest in me romantically and sexually. I've always had a higher sex drive than his, but he used to at least put in effort to keep me happy in bed. Before marriage we usually had sex 2-3 times per week. Almost as soon as we tied the knot it decreased to about once per week, and over the past year it's been about once every 3 weeks, and even then it only happens when I push for it.

I've tried many ways to entice him, like wearing new lingerie, giving him a sensual back rub, watching porn together, and offered to act out any of his fantasies. He always says he is too tired or not in the mood, and when he finally does have sex with me, it's after weeks of me asking for it, and he seems to do it basically to get me to shut up about it.

Additionally, he rarely wants to be close or affectionate with me. When I try to snuggle on the couch while we watch TV he says he's not comfortable and when I suggest that we move around so he can get comfortable he says "I am comfortable, just not when you lay on me."

When I try to talk to him about why he is acting this way he insists there isn't a problem and he's just stressed and/or tired. I make more money than he does and I also work significantly longer hours, though I suppose the stress level of our jobs is similar. I've asked him about counseling, either together or just for himself, and he is adamantly against it. FWIW I feel pretty confident that he's not cheating on me; I think it's some combination of him getting bored of me and our routine, struggling with depression, low sex drive, etc.

Those issues have been going on for a while, and getting much worse over the past year or so.

Then last week, at a happy hour networking event I attended with a work colleague, I met a man who really piqued my interest; the first time my interest has been piqued by a man since I met DH almost 8 years ago. We chatted at the event and then met up for a drink the following night. So far it's all been very innocent; literally just talking (and even the talking itself has been innocent), but I am struggling to convince myself as to why I should keep things so innocent when DH obviously isn't interested in keeping me happy sexually.

Go to the doctor. Men simply produce less testosterone as they get into middle age. Maybe it is just a hormone thing that can be treated.

[Anonymous]

Make dates to try new things together. Ignore the meta messages in his communication for a bit to keep things light. Do things outside of your marriage like hobbies or travel to keep yourself interesting.