Making an elderly parent be more active

[Anonymous]

I think trying to “make” a parent do anything is a recipe for failure. He raised you. Do you think he now feels like it’s right for you to boss him around? No. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine your kids doing that to you. You wouldn’t like it and, at a minimum, you would resist. Maybe try to meet him where he is and see what his interests are and what he does and doesn’t want to do. Then do those things and enjoy him while he’s still here.

[Anonymous]

What meds is he on? I'm guessing he has additional meds to deal with some of the side effects from the initial ones.

Sounds like depression or even onset of Alzheimer's given you said you had to teach him how to get out of a chair (?)memory loss and grouchiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. I think a lot of elderly people want to useful, not just be babysat at elder care centers. Is there anything he could do that would be useful to you? Like making a snack for your kids when they come home or prepping dinner? Organizing family photos? Or raking leaves, sweeping the porch, anything you can think of?

You don't understand elder care centers. It was a beast getting my parent to agree to try one, but it is a lifesaver. They are not babysat. They socialize and make friends and you have the peace of mind of knowing there are trained professionals who can deal with falls and other medical issues. My parent who adamantly refused eldercare, loved it. It helped to say "this is where you need to be to be safe while I got to work/doctor's appointments, etc. You just have them try it one day for an hour or 2 and build from there. They have fun activities and other things. A good senior care place will boost the spirits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What meds is he on? I'm guessing he has additional meds to deal with some of the side effects from the initial ones.

Sounds like depression or even onset of Alzheimer's given you said you had to teach him how to get out of a chair (?)memory loss and grouchiness.

This. Forgetting a motor plan like getting out of a chair sounds brain related. Even major couch potatoes remember how to get up. I would nag him right to a neurologist.

[Anonymous]

To OP - for years my father stayed home and refused to do anything. We also thought he was being lazy but found out by chance two years ago that he was suffering from severe heart disease that had gone undetected for years. He never presented any typical symptoms - never had chest pains or shortness of breath. He was just tired. He’s 82 so he’s not overly energetic but his disposition and willingness to do things improved almost immediately after surgery.

Best of luck and thanks for giving your sister a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 82 y.o. father came to stay with us from overseas for 6 months. It's been a struggle to make him do anything: all he wants is to stay in his room and watch TV in his native language. He refuses to learn English with a tutor(swears he can't retain the new info), refuses to go to the elderly daycare center where they have all the activities in his language, refuses to read citing bad eyesight (it's not true, we had his eyes checked and he's fine), etc. He lies to me about exercising and is also moody and grumpy. What do I do to make him more active? My older sister overseas is better than me in making him do things, but she is a pro at nagging.

Are you serious?
Your dad is 82. Most people at this age are already long dead. Why are you forcing him to do stuff. He probably feels that he is done
doing and he just want to relax and do nothing much. He earned it probably too. Why in heaven would you force him to LEARN
English at this age when he is here only for 6 months? Why do you need to send him to a daycare where is bunch of strangers
who he probably does not want to socialize with? Why he needs to excersize the way you feel fit.

No wonder he is moody and grumpy. He is not a child, not a toddler, he is an independent and old person who is also
your parent and he is nor running for a translator job, nor getting ready for a marathon nor need to catch up all
the reading in the world. He probably has nothing much to learn from books and if he does not want to read
them for pleasure but prefers to watch tv then why not?

It seems OP like you are OCD and have all organized and set for him and you just want to squeeze him into
your idea of fun for him. You need to stand back and see him for who he is. Really old person who also
really need some break and rest. At this age you don't need to make him productive and utilize
his every waking moment. Let him be.

Just let him be and choose whatever he wants to do, ask him if there is anything you can do for him
but do not ask him to do things for you, you already offered and he does not want to cooperate
just to make you happy. Let go.

Let go of everything and stop being angry at him as this is also reason why he is grumpy, he came
to feel loved and pampered a bit and not trained. Tell him how much you love him, tell him that
he is free to do anything he wants and then suggest that it would be lovely if he could accompany
you for a daily walk that you do, just for fun and some fresh air.

Take him shopping or just make list of his favorite food. Let him watch his TV. Ask whate
else you can do to make his stay more enjoyable. In 6 months he will be gone. This may
be his last trip. You never know. AT this age travel Is mor c hallenging every time.

Let go Elsa, Let go..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. I think a lot of elderly people want to useful, not just be babysat at elder care centers. Is there anything he could do that would be useful to you? Like making a snack for your kids when they come home or prepping dinner? Organizing family photos? Or raking leaves, sweeping the porch, anything you can think of?

You don't understand elder care centers. It was a beast getting my parent to agree to try one, but it is a lifesaver. They are not babysat. They socialize and make friends and you have the peace of mind of knowing there are trained professionals who can deal with falls and other medical issues. My parent who adamantly refused eldercare, loved it. It helped to say "this is where you need to be to be safe while I got to work/doctor's appointments, etc. You just have them try it one day for an hour or 2 and build from there. They have fun activities and other things. A good senior care place will boost the spirits.

Just as much as one person will love it, the next person will hate it. Not one size fits all. Many older people
are allergic to strangers and new situations of that sort and no amount of convincing will do. Matter of
personality. I know many examples for each side and I would not press the issue to the point of
making an elder person upset. It is kind of abusive and harassment if you ask me. No means no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably came to see you to take a vacation from her.

Would he respond better to doing chores? Raking leaves, etc? Tell him you need to save money.

Nah, I think he would probably not even come here if we did not insist. My sister needs some time for her family and work, so I am trying to help out.

Yes, thank you. He's been raking leaves, but then stopped when tripped and fell (not a bad fall). He got so lazy he forgot how to get up from a chair. I've been re-teaching him, making him climb the stair and all that.

When my dad started forgetting things like how to get out of a chair and falling down more, they were signs he had developed dementia. He was also depressed as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry, did not mean to sound awful or judgmental. In fact, I am scared that I’d park myself in front of the TV in my 80s, given out shared biology. I love him and I am concerned. I took him to a gerontologist and a psychiatrist. He had his meds adjusted and started doing better (he is on Prozac) in terms of his mood. I do think, and the doctors told me that encouraging activity will help his quality of life; attempting to learn the language will help keep his mind sharp. As to the eldercare - PP above is right on the spot. If he goes there for a couple hours a time he can at least play chess with someone and talk. It will also give me piece of mind while I am at work. He’ll be forced to socialize, learn things, maybe even exercise. He was amazed to be able to re-learn to go up and down the stairs. I made him do it every day after much protests and arguments. Also, I did not notice a personality change, but the decline in physical activity is noticeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 82 y.o. father came to stay with us from overseas for 6 months. It's been a struggle to make him do anything: all he wants is to stay in his room and watch TV in his native language. He refuses to learn English with a tutor(swears he can't retain the new info), refuses to go to the elderly daycare center where they have all the activities in his language, refuses to read citing bad eyesight (it's not true, we had his eyes checked and he's fine), etc. He lies to me about exercising and is also moody and grumpy. What do I do to make him more active? My older sister overseas is better than me in making him do things, but she is a pro at nagging.

Are you serious?
Your dad is 82. Most people at this age are already long dead. Why are you forcing him to do stuff. He probably feels that he is done
doing and he just want to relax and do nothing much. He earned it probably too. Why in heaven would you force him to LEARN
English at this age when he is here only for 6 months? Why do you need to send him to a daycare where is bunch of strangers
who he probably does not want to socialize with? Why he needs to excersize the way you feel fit.

No wonder he is moody and grumpy. He is not a child, not a toddler, he is an independent and old person who is also
your parent and he is nor running for a translator job, nor getting ready for a marathon nor need to catch up all
the reading in the world. He probably has nothing much to learn from books and if he does not want to read
them for pleasure but prefers to watch tv then why not?

It seems OP like you are OCD and have all organized and set for him and you just want to squeeze him into
your idea of fun for him. You need to stand back and see him for who he is. Really old person who also
really need some break and rest. At this age you don't need to make him productive and utilize
his every waking moment. Let him be.

Just let him be and choose whatever he wants to do, ask him if there is anything you can do for him
but do not ask him to do things for you, you already offered and he does not want to cooperate
just to make you happy. Let go.

Let go of everything and stop being angry at him as this is also reason why he is grumpy, he came
to feel loved and pampered a bit and not trained. Tell him how much you love him, tell him that
he is free to do anything he wants and then suggest that it would be lovely if he could accompany
you for a daily walk that you do, just for fun and some fresh air.

Take him shopping or just make list of his favorite food. Let him watch his TV. Ask whate
else you can do to make his stay more enjoyable. In 6 months he will be gone. This may
be his last trip. You never know. AT this age travel Is mor c hallenging every time.

Let go Elsa, Let go..

OP again. As much as I agree with you, and would give the same advice to a stranger, this is not as clear cut. In fact, I told my sister something along these lines previously, and called to apologize a week ago. You really do have a different situation in mind - I guess that’s the way I describe it. 18 hours of TV a day is not healthy. I cook, and buy him treats, and all that around the clock. It was easier when my kids were little, if you ask me. Taking a walk is a perfect way to exercise, but it won’t happen if I won’t make him. I am at work during the day, and he won’t walk at night with me. The thing is, he is happy and content after I make him complete something. I made him go to a concert and dinner with me, took me hours of convincing. He was happily reporting it to my sister the next day, singing praise to the venue, talking about the food he ate and the music he heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What meds is he on? I'm guessing he has additional meds to deal with some of the side effects from the initial ones.

Sounds like depression or even onset of Alzheimer's given you said you had to teach him how to get out of a chair (?)memory loss and grouchiness.

This. Forgetting a motor plan like getting out of a chair sounds brain related. Even major couch potatoes remember how to get up. I would nag him right to a neurologist.

He relearned. I think his muscles atrophied after all the sitting.

[Anonymous]

Has he gone for a medical. Tiredness could be his heart.

To tell you the truth, if he has no interest in learning a language then I'm not sure anything you can say will change that. He probably wouldn't have been interested when he was younger either.

I've seen how stubborn my elderly FIL has become. It's frustrating, he just wouldn't do anything, just sat in front of the TV. I personally wouldn't want to be nagging that much all day every day.

You can suggest activities but sometimes there comes a point when you have to let people live their own life. It may not be what you think it should be. Obviously he is depressed and that's not helping things.

I would take him for a full medical. Rule out any medical reasons for his tiredness. Apart from that, I'm not sure what you can do, sometimes you just have to accept that people slow down with old age.

As for my FIL it turned out to be a massive infection he is still fighting. He was so tired and aching all over. Hopefully he will pick up when he gets better. So rule out anything medical first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, did not mean to sound awful or judgmental. In fact, I am scared that I’d park myself in front of the TV in my 80s, given out shared biology. I love him and I am concerned. I took him to a gerontologist and a psychiatrist. He had his meds adjusted and started doing better (he is on Prozac) in terms of his mood. I do think, and the doctors told me that encouraging activity will help his quality of life; attempting to learn the language will help keep his mind sharp. As to the eldercare - PP above is right on the spot. If he goes there for a couple hours a time he can at least play chess with someone and talk. It will also give me piece of mind while I am at work. He’ll be forced to socialize, learn things, maybe even exercise. He was amazed to be able to re-learn to go up and down the stairs. I made him do it every day after much protests and arguments. Also, I did not notice a personality change, but the decline in physical activity is noticeable.

Be careful with the stairs at this age, he can lose balance and fall down. Make sure he always holds the railing very firmly. Still..
He is taking meds, this may sometimes cause some balance issues.

Why does he need meds in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Did you check Prozac side effects? Possible Side Effects. Nausea, drowsiness, dizziness, anxiety, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, tiredness, sweating, or yawning may occur.

Watch out for drowsiness and dizziness with being a stair warrior. For tiredness.. you might be fighting the effects of Prozac there.

Was he in need for Prozac?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are awful. When I’m 82, I will be very grouchy if someone keeps harping at me, especially if I’m tired and in poor health!

82 is not that old. I know people age differently, but my in-laws are super active and healthy at 82. So just because he's 82 does not necessarily mean he has to give up.