Bully quandary

[Anonymous]

From OP - I don't overuse the term bully and my kid is not lying. Why are PPs turning the tables like this? I guess it all gets handed down from parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP - I don't overuse the term bully and my kid is not lying. Why are PPs turning the tables like this? I guess it all gets handed down from parents.

Sorry that's happening OP- if it were me, I would involve the principal at this point. Moving schools is drastic and difficult to know how it will play out.

I removed my son from a private school for bullying, but it was a long term sneaky, social bullying situation that the administration wanted to brush under the rug. We felt that eventually our DS was going to be counseled out as a "bad fit" because the school didn't want to risk alienating several sets of other parents by levying bullying accusations.

What I would say, is take it to the principal, and politely and directly tell him/her that it's been ongoing, you won't tolerate it, and will follow the district's bullying policy up to and including retaining legal counsel if it's not resolved. It's okay to be confrontational - the alternative is that your kid keeps getting bullied or you have to find a new school.

OP- you don't want to let this continue-- my DS suffered long term after effects from bullying. He has moderate social anxiety, is afraid that things will turn out "like his other school," and become extremely upset when kids are being "normal, MS mean" because of some ptsd from years of being chronically excluded, made fun of, and directly told that no one likes him.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my DH to punch the ringleader-hard-the next time this happens. consequences be damned.

Bet they’ll leave him alone after that.

I’ll be flamed to pieces- but there is a reason this is often recommended- it works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my DH to punch the ringleader-hard-the next time this happens. consequences be damned.

Bet they’ll leave him alone after that.

I’ll be flamed to pieces- but there is a reason this is often recommended- it works!

Hahaha DS! Not DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a mom who is always saying her child is bullied. Now the child has no friends but my kid who goes to another school. I know parents from my friend’s school and they have said that this mom complains a lot and the child complains a lot so many of the parents do not encourage a friendship because this child will get mad and say she is bullied and who needs that. Bullying is a strong word and too many parents use it. At nine years old the most likely thing is kids who lack social skilled -the child who says they are bullied and the bully who doesn’t have the skills to avoid sensitive child.

This is how bullying is excused and continues with misguided views like yours. I hope you aren’t a teacher.

Np here but this definitely does happen (in addition to actual bullying, of course) and it’s not good for any of the kids involved. Denying that this dynamic sometimes exists contributes to the problem.

Yes, as someone who endured some pretty bad bullying and witnessed some truly horrific things done to other kids, I'm frustrated when kids try to use accusations of bullying to get their way. Bullying is a huge problem, made worse by kids who think (or are taught to think by parents in denial about their kid's issues) that being told "no" by adults or other kids is bullying. Just as kids lie about being bullies, kids lie about being bullied. Basically, kids lie. All the time. It's what they do. This is not something to be angry about, but it's important for people in positions of supervising kids to realize, and it's amazingly rare for teachers or principals to realize how often kids look them directly in the eye and lie to them.

Agree. Both things happen. There is currently an instance of this in HS that boils down to friend drama. The "bullied" was clearly social climbing, playing two groups of friend against a third, bragging about how popular she was. Eventually one friend got fed up and told her (on text) she didn't want to spend any more time with her. Now, the bullied is upset, mom is calling mom's of other girls explaining how DD is being bullied trying to get other girls to come to her aid. It's not bullying if people don't like you. Even being dropped from a friend group or excluded from things is not being bullied. But being consistently targeted for ridicule is bullying, and that seems like what the OP has described here.

+1

When parents get involved, it only makes the situation much worse for the kid who complains about being "bullied" (dropped) - because if the parents get ivovled, there is no chance of their kid being let back into the friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP - I don't overuse the term bully and my kid is not lying. Why are PPs turning the tables like this? I guess it all gets handed down from parents.

How do you know? You are not at school. Usually there are many sides to a story. Don't get mad but you need to really step back. I am telling you my friend got all sorts of upset over things that didn't mean anything in the end. She was always calling the school and this stuff does get around. It does. She was also clueless on the role her kid played. Too many parents are clueless and too many parents believe everything their kid says. Usually it is somewhere in the middle. The end result when a parent gets very dramatic is you think you helped but you really harmed. The best result is the kids being able to get along on some level. Maybe not friends but able to be around. 10 years old is not really bullying age. It is perceived bullying. This is different than older years when kids have more control over what they are doing. Anyway my friend's kid doesn't have friends or many at school because everyone believes that the mom will call the school. So did this help? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From OP - I don't overuse the term bully and my kid is not lying. Why are PPs turning the tables like this? I guess it all gets handed down from parents.

How do you know? You are not at school. Usually there are many sides to a story. Don't get mad but you need to really step back. I am telling you my friend got all sorts of upset over things that didn't mean anything in the end. She was always calling the school and this stuff does get around. It does. She was also clueless on the role her kid played. Too many parents are clueless and too many parents believe everything their kid says. Usually it is somewhere in the middle. The end result when a parent gets very dramatic is you think you helped but you really harmed. The best result is the kids being able to get along on some level. Maybe not friends but able to be around. 10 years old is not really bullying age. It is perceived bullying. This is different than older years when kids have more control over what they are doing. Anyway my friend's kid doesn't have friends or many at school because everyone believes that the mom will call the school. So did this help? No.

What in the world are you talking about? Ten year olds absolutely can be bullied. Kids can be obnoxious at any age. Of course a mother or father should call the school. There should be a meeting. There is no reason a kid should put up with bullies. It's not a rite of passage. Most kids do not make this garbage up.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are nuts. Obviously you've never had a child who was bullied, but I fear that you have one that does bully... 10 years old is PRIME bullying age.

OP, in my situation things finally started to end when I sent an email to the principal and assistant principal (both of whom "corroborated" that my daughter was telling the truth and was bullied, but mishandled it badly on the back end) that I had a lawyer chosen and would immediately start legal action against the school and the parents individually if it didn't end immediately. And that I would involve the superintendent immediately and without a courtesy warning to either of them if it happened one more time. I had tried being nice up to that point and it just didn't work. I had documented every single incident and let them know about that as well, that I had a running list with dates and times and what was said, etc. And that I also had every single stupid email from them, which not one time did they even ask if my daughter was OK...

Finally things settled down when I said I would't tolerate one more second of it and I was no longer nice. I'm still not if I run into them. We have one more year at this school (also 10) and I'll be glad to be rid of this inept administrative staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are nuts. Obviously you've never had a child who was bullied, but I fear that you have one that does bully... 10 years old is PRIME bullying age.

OP, in my situation things finally started to end when I sent an email to the principal and assistant principal (both of whom "corroborated" that my daughter was telling the truth and was bullied, but mishandled it badly on the back end) that I had a lawyer chosen and would immediately start legal action against the school and the parents individually if it didn't end immediately. And that I would involve the superintendent immediately and without a courtesy warning to either of them if it happened one more time. I had tried being nice up to that point and it just didn't work. I had documented every single incident and let them know about that as well, that I had a running list with dates and times and what was said, etc. And that I also had every single stupid email from them, which not one time did they even ask if my daughter was OK...

Finally things settled down when I said I would't tolerate one more second of it and I was no longer nice. I'm still not if I run into them. We have one more year at this school (also 10) and I'll be glad to be rid of this inept administrative staff.

What is also 10? Sorry, I didn't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are nuts. Obviously you've never had a child who was bullied, but I fear that you have one that does bully... 10 years old is PRIME bullying age.

OP, in my situation things finally started to end when I sent an email to the principal and assistant principal (both of whom "corroborated" that my daughter was telling the truth and was bullied, but mishandled it badly on the back end) that I had a lawyer chosen and would immediately start legal action against the school and the parents individually if it didn't end immediately. And that I would involve the superintendent immediately and without a courtesy warning to either of them if it happened one more time. I had tried being nice up to that point and it just didn't work. I had documented every single incident and let them know about that as well, that I had a running list with dates and times and what was said, etc. And that I also had every single stupid email from them, which not one time did they even ask if my daughter was OK...

Finally things settled down when I said I would't tolerate one more second of it and I was no longer nice. I'm still not if I run into them. We have one more year at this school (also 10) and I'll be glad to be rid of this inept administrative staff.

What is also 10? Sorry, I didn't get it.

I think PP's child who was bullied is also 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are nuts. Obviously you've never had a child who was bullied, but I fear that you have one that does bully... 10 years old is PRIME bullying age.

OP, in my situation things finally started to end when I sent an email to the principal and assistant principal (both of whom "corroborated" that my daughter was telling the truth and was bullied, but mishandled it badly on the back end) that I had a lawyer chosen and would immediately start legal action against the school and the parents individually if it didn't end immediately. And that I would involve the superintendent immediately and without a courtesy warning to either of them if it happened one more time. I had tried being nice up to that point and it just didn't work. I had documented every single incident and let them know about that as well, that I had a running list with dates and times and what was said, etc. And that I also had every single stupid email from them, which not one time did they even ask if my daughter was OK...

Finally things settled down when I said I would't tolerate one more second of it and I was no longer nice. I'm still not if I run into them. We have one more year at this school (also 10) and I'll be glad to be rid of this inept administrative staff.

This sounds about right. I'm a PP who experienced and witnessed extreme bullying in middle school. The main point of my response was kids will absolutely insist that they need to handle it themselves and resist parent efforts to change schools or do other stuff that will make it better. I did. Parents need to handle this and need to either do what PP describes (and, by the way, actually HAVE a lawyer lined up and have a realistic understanding of options) or look at changing schools. This sucks and is really disruptive to your life, but you need to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are nuts. Obviously you've never had a child who was bullied, but I fear that you have one that does bully... 10 years old is PRIME bullying age.

OP, in my situation things finally started to end when I sent an email to the principal and assistant principal (both of whom "corroborated" that my daughter was telling the truth and was bullied, but mishandled it badly on the back end) that I had a lawyer chosen and would immediately start legal action against the school and the parents individually if it didn't end immediately. And that I would involve the superintendent immediately and without a courtesy warning to either of them if it happened one more time. I had tried being nice up to that point and it just didn't work. I had documented every single incident and let them know about that as well, that I had a running list with dates and times and what was said, etc. And that I also had every single stupid email from them, which not one time did they even ask if my daughter was OK...

Finally things settled down when I said I would't tolerate one more second of it and I was no longer nice. I'm still not if I run into them. We have one more year at this school (also 10) and I'll be glad to be rid of this inept administrative staff.

What is also 10? Sorry, I didn't get it.

I think PP's child who was bullied is also 10.

Sorry, yes, meant my daughter is also 10.

[Anonymous]

What's the best way to find an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Whenever I report a bully to our school, I tell the person to make it clear to the bully if he/she OR ANY OF HIS/HER FRIENDS gives my child a hard time, their will be consequences. I make sure they make it clear that the bully cannot put their friends up to the dirty work. They are warned in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the best way to find an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing?

I'm not in the area, but I just used google and for a first broad search searched education lawyers. Oftentimes you'll get firms that specialize in representing schools, but it's where I found a niche firm that specialized in representing students - either based on unfair suspensions or mistreatment from the school. They were the ones I called.