Struggling to accept gender nonconforming son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has two separate issues going on, the GNC and the POC. I echo the PP who mentioned your son is an outliner in his community and if he was in an environment where there were more kids like him perhaps his views would be different. I know you are dealing with a double whammy, I wouldn't be able to touch on where you can find many POC GNC kids in the DMV for your son to hang out with so he isn't an outliner.

But separately, I can touch on the POC outliner. My nephew and niece are biracial but they are very dark so the world sees them only as black. My sister (who is white) put them in daycare and later in a school where they were the only POC in their homerooms. And then my niece, who has beautiful curly natural hair, started saying to my sister she hated her hair, that she wanted to be white, that she wanted blonde hair, that black people hair is dirty/smelly and didn't like her skin. After speaking to her teachers and asking my niece, it doesn't appear any kids were saying this to her, she came up with these conclusions on her own and the guidance counselor at school suggested that it is probably because all her friends are blonde hair/blue eyed white. She doesn't see anyone else like herself at school (and probably not very much in the media, tv, etc, but that's for another thread). My point is, when your son is the only POC among his friends, it is human nature to want to fit in and be like the others, hence his statement re black people.

Get him around some other POC children. Good luck.

Unfortunately I don’t think media/TV is a substitute We have always gone out of our way to have abundant books/dolls/tv shows from my DHs culture that shows people who look like him and our daughters. And yet my eldest daughter regularly says things like “it’s not fair that you (mommy) have yellow hair and I don’t” and “brown hair is ugly” and “you can’t be a princess with brown hair”. I’m 100% sure no child or teacher at school is saying these things. Literally she watches 3 different tv shows with brown haired princesses! I think she really needs to be around other real people who look like her and I regret ever thinking media would help address that need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has two separate issues going on, the GNC and the POC. I echo the PP who mentioned your son is an outliner in his community and if he was in an environment where there were more kids like him perhaps his views would be different. I know you are dealing with a double whammy, I wouldn't be able to touch on where you can find many POC GNC kids in the DMV for your son to hang out with so he isn't an outliner.

But separately, I can touch on the POC outliner. My nephew and niece are biracial but they are very dark so the world sees them only as black. My sister (who is white) put them in daycare and later in a school where they were the only POC in their homerooms. And then my niece, who has beautiful curly natural hair, started saying to my sister she hated her hair, that she wanted to be white, that she wanted blonde hair, that black people hair is dirty/smelly and didn't like her skin. After speaking to her teachers and asking my niece, it doesn't appear any kids were saying this to her, she came up with these conclusions on her own and the guidance counselor at school suggested that it is probably because all her friends are blonde hair/blue eyed white. She doesn't see anyone else like herself at school (and probably not very much in the media, tv, etc, but that's for another thread). My point is, when your son is the only POC among his friends, it is human nature to want to fit in and be like the others, hence his statement re black people.

Get him around some other POC children. Good luck.

Unfortunately I don’t think media/TV is a substitute We have always gone out of our way to have abundant books/dolls/tv shows from my DHs culture that shows people who look like him and our daughters. And yet my eldest daughter regularly says things like “it’s not fair that you (mommy) have yellow hair and I don’t” and “brown hair is ugly” and “you can’t be a princess with brown hair”. I’m 100% sure no child or teacher at school is saying these things. Literally she watches 3 different tv shows with brown haired princesses! I think she really needs to be around other real people who look like her and I regret ever thinking media would help address that need.

Gee, I’m a brunette with a blonde mother and I never had such hangups about having brown hair. This isn’t typical.

[Anonymous]

Black woman here, raised in a majority white area - I totally remember feeling feeling so sad about my hair as a kid.

As a result, we live in a majority black area. But I don’t think it would be a great place for a gender non-conforming child. One of my kids went to preschool with a child who presented as the opposite gender and the kids were not phased at all, which is great, but I think that child would have had a tough time in their elementary and middle schools. Our family is very accepting but I’m not sure that’s the norm.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are describing my son, as well at this age. It may be a phase, it may not. My son, when he was that age, loved to play with Barbie dolls, loved wearing girls clothes, loved everything that was pink. All of his friends were girls, etc. Today he is 13, and is the complete opposite. Doesn’t want anything pink, isn’t remotely interested in anything girlie, except the attention of girls! LOL. He is strictly sweatpants, and Jordan tennis shoes. However, if I had to describe him, I would say he is very metrosexual, and very much likes girls, and LOVES to cook.

I did all the things that you were doing, let him be him. He was in ballet. He actually danced in the nutcracker, with the Washington school of ballet. I was extremely proud. So, phase or not, be there for him. It’s tough enough as it is, especially as a little brown boy, as is mine. All he needs to know is that his mommy loves him regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are describing my son, as well at this age. It may be a phase, it may not. My son, when he was that age, loved to play with Barbie dolls, loved wearing girls clothes, loved everything that was pink. All of his friends were girls, etc. Today he is 13, and is the complete opposite. Doesn’t want anything pink, isn’t remotely interested in anything girlie, except the attention of girls! LOL. He is strictly sweatpants, and Jordan tennis shoes. However, if I had to describe him, I would say he is very metrosexual, and very much likes girls, and LOVES to cook.

I did all the things that you were doing, let him be him. He was in ballet. He actually danced in the nutcracker, with the Washington school of ballet. I was extremely proud. So, phase or not, be there for him. It’s tough enough as it is, especially as a little brown boy, as is mine. All he needs to know is that his mommy loves him regardless.

OP here. Your post touched me, PP. I feel like I’m the only one with a child like mine. Are you in the DC area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has two separate issues going on, the GNC and the POC. I echo the PP who mentioned your son is an outliner in his community and if he was in an environment where there were more kids like him perhaps his views would be different. I know you are dealing with a double whammy, I wouldn't be able to touch on where you can find many POC GNC kids in the DMV for your son to hang out with so he isn't an outliner.

But separately, I can touch on the POC outliner. My nephew and niece are biracial but they are very dark so the world sees them only as black. My sister (who is white) put them in daycare and later in a school where they were the only POC in their homerooms. And then my niece, who has beautiful curly natural hair, started saying to my sister she hated her hair, that she wanted to be white, that she wanted blonde hair, that black people hair is dirty/smelly and didn't like her skin. After speaking to her teachers and asking my niece, it doesn't appear any kids were saying this to her, she came up with these conclusions on her own and the guidance counselor at school suggested that it is probably because all her friends are blonde hair/blue eyed white. She doesn't see anyone else like herself at school (and probably not very much in the media, tv, etc, but that's for another thread). My point is, when your son is the only POC among his friends, it is human nature to want to fit in and be like the others, hence his statement re black people.

Get him around some other POC children. Good luck.

Unfortunately I don’t think media/TV is a substitute We have always gone out of our way to have abundant books/dolls/tv shows from my DHs culture that shows people who look like him and our daughters. And yet my eldest daughter regularly says things like “it’s not fair that you (mommy) have yellow hair and I don’t” and “brown hair is ugly” and “you can’t be a princess with brown hair”. I’m 100% sure no child or teacher at school is saying these things. Literally she watches 3 different tv shows with brown haired princesses! I think she really needs to be around other real people who look like her and I regret ever thinking media would help address that need.

Gee, I’m a brunette with a blonde mother and I never had such hangups about having brown hair. This isn’t typical.

It’s different when you are a person of color in a predominantly white setting. My friend just pulled both of her adopted Asian daughters from public school and is going to homeschool them with intensive therapy the rest of the year because of their self-esteem and the older girl’s obsession with eyelid surgery.

[Anonymous]

NP here. You sound like a wonderful mom to me, OP. I think most people who have a 7 year old who is an outlier in behavior (?) like your son, would struggle in the exact same way. I think your feelings ARE the experience of processing that your son may not be the kid you expected. I'm white with a bisexual daughter. So, not exactly the same, but I also am crazy about my daughter, while inwardly sometimes wincing at her statements, behavior, appearance. It's fear mostly. I am in therapy and I do meditate-- I recommend both. Also the suggestion upthread about possibly introducing your kid to Theatre kids-- I thought that was a good idea. My kid is not interested, but to be creative you have to blaze your own path, and can't follow totally in someone else's footsteps, so I think creative kids would be a good possible community. Hugs to you. You're doing a good job already, but it will be easier with help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in real life who can relate to my struggles. I would really like to find a peer group of like-minded kids for 7 y/o DS and a support group for myself. The whole situation depresses me to no end. I pray incessantly to be the best, loving mother I can be, and I’m not particularly spiritual.

I know that my acceptance of DS is what matters most, but I can shake the feelings of shame, disgust, embarrassment when I see DS playing with barbies (that we bought!), drawing pictures of unicorns, or gleefully running around the playground with his little girl friends while all the other little boys are racing against each other or playing basketball. DS probably senses my disapproval of some of the behaviors, but I’m trying really really hard to just love him for who he is and not worry about the rest.

The most distressing part of it all is how desperately DS wants to be like his friends. We are POC and all of DS’ friends are white. He has said that brown people stink and that blonde, straight hair and blue eyes are better (than brown eyes or curly hair). If my extended family knew of how he speaks about our culture, they would be appalled. We talk all the time about the inward and outward beauty of brown and black folk, but none of it resonates.

I read the other long thread about the OP with a similar kid and I know everyone will tell me that I need to love DS for who he is, I have no reasons to fear, not accepting DS would be far worse, etc etc and the rational part of me gets all that. But the rational part of me is overrun with the emotional side of me. I feel this strange grief and loss over all this.

I’m sure I will also be slammed as a terrible mother who’s destroying my child’s life and I definitely don’t want that either. I’m just struggling mightily with DS and since I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life, I’m writing about it here.

So, first of all, it's no big deal if he likes girl things now- he may continue to like girl things or he may move on to more neutral things as he ages. If I were you, I would just continue to support whatever he likes- barbies, legos, art, etc. and don't project into the future.

To me, the bigger problem is that he doesn't think his race/ethnicity is beautiful. That needs to change-- he needs more stories, books, media, interaction with people who look like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in real life who can relate to my struggles. I would really like to find a peer group of like-minded kids for 7 y/o DS and a support group for myself. The whole situation depresses me to no end. I pray incessantly to be the best, loving mother I can be, and I’m not particularly spiritual.

I know that my acceptance of DS is what matters most, but I can shake the feelings of shame, disgust, embarrassment when I see DS playing with barbies (that we bought!), drawing pictures of unicorns, or gleefully running around the playground with his little girl friends while all the other little boys are racing against each other or playing basketball. DS probably senses my disapproval of some of the behaviors, but I’m trying really really hard to just love him for who he is and not worry about the rest.

The most distressing part of it all is how desperately DS wants to be like his friends. We are POC and all of DS’ friends are white. He has said that brown people stink and that blonde, straight hair and blue eyes are better (than brown eyes or curly hair). If my extended family knew of how he speaks about our culture, they would be appalled. We talk all the time about the inward and outward beauty of brown and black folk, but none of it resonates.

I read the other long thread about the OP with a similar kid and I know everyone will tell me that I need to love DS for who he is, I have no reasons to fear, not accepting DS would be far worse, etc etc and the rational part of me gets all that. But the rational part of me is overrun with the emotional side of me. I feel this strange grief and loss over all this.

I’m sure I will also be slammed as a terrible mother who’s destroying my child’s life and I definitely don’t want that either. I’m just struggling mightily with DS and since I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life, I’m writing about it here.

So, first of all, it's no big deal if he likes girl things now- he may continue to like girl things or he may move on to more neutral things as he ages. If I were you, I would just continue to support whatever he likes- barbies, legos, art, etc. and don't project into the future.

To me, the bigger problem is that he doesn't think his race/ethnicity is beautiful. That needs to change-- he needs more stories, books, media, interaction with people who look like him.

+1 I wouldn’t characterize the gender issue as a problem but otherwise I agree with this.