Handling family members who are not self-aware

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents. What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't. Use your imagination. Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child. You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you. Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim. You are capable of controlling your time with your parents. You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents. What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't. Use your imagination. Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child. You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you. Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim. You are capable of controlling your time with your parents. You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.

What is somebody to do in that situation? Drag somebody who is half a foot taller than me out of the house? I try to advocate for myself and my child, and I get lectured. I can’t win, so I think I’m going to stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Do these things usually revolve around his phone? I find that some older folks are just as addicted to their phones and tech as young kids coming up. My dad is super into technology and gadgets and when he’s trying to show you something or do something on his phone it takes forever. It’s disturbing how he finds a reason to use his phone for anything and everything that doesn’t really require it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unbreakable dynamic, you enable it. Grow a backbone and stop being a pushover/people pleaser — a fool’s errand since you can’t please dad anyway. You’re a parent of a small child; the kid is your 100 percent priority now. If the kid needs go, go get food, no matter if grandparents whine. Don’t be sorry. And pack way more snacks.

Part of my mistake was sharing a rental car without being on the contract to drive it. We are sort of marooned in the middle of nowhere.

Really? No pizza delivery? I would have gone inside and ordered food for me and my child. Done. “Kid and I need a quiet evening at home, please go to dinner without us.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unbreakable dynamic, you enable it. Grow a backbone and stop being a pushover/people pleaser — a fool’s errand since you can’t please dad anyway. You’re a parent of a small child; the kid is your 100 percent priority now. If the kid needs go, go get food, no matter if grandparents whine. Don’t be sorry. And pack way more snacks.

Part of my mistake was sharing a rental car without being on the contract to drive it. We are sort of marooned in the middle of nowhere.

Yes. Don't put yourself in a situation again where you can't be independent of his temper tantrums.

And he doesn't have a lack of self-awareness. He just doesn't care and sounds like kind of an asshole. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents. What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't. Use your imagination. Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child. You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you. Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim. You are capable of controlling your time with your parents. You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.

What is somebody to do in that situation? Drag somebody who is half a foot taller than me out of the house? I try to advocate for myself and my child, and I get lectured. I can’t win, so I think I’m going to stop trying.

You don't try to advocate, you ACT. Hire an Uber. Order in a pizza. Get a second rental car. Tell your parents that you are taking your child out to eat for an early dinner, just the two of you, and ask if they want you to bring them something back to eat. Get your child to bed on time. Go shopping and fill the rental house with snacks. There are so many other options besides sitting back, getting lectured and apologizing for your mother's choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents. What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't. Use your imagination. Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child. You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you. Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim. You are capable of controlling your time with your parents. You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.

What is somebody to do in that situation? Drag somebody who is half a foot taller than me out of the house? I try to advocate for myself and my child, and I get lectured. I can’t win, so I think I’m going to stop trying.

No. You take the car keys and leave. I bet no one has ever done that. He will be pissed as hell, but so what. The message might finally get across to him.

[Anonymous]

You let it get to such a point by going against your better judgment. Sounds like you just go along and go along and go along until you reach a breaking point (I'm not criticizing; this just sounds like what you said and it's a pretty common thing). Try putting your foot down earlier so that your kid isn't absolutely starving by the time you speak up because you are so fed up. Also, carry snacks. always.

[Anonymous]

Stay at your own place and rent your own car. Sorry you have to deal with this and it's hard to set limits with people in our lives. But it sounds like any vacation you go on with them only has a chance of working if you have your own space and you can arrange to meet them when and where it works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU lack self-awareness if you can't see you're a victim and a martyr. Stop being such a willing participant in this dynamic. Grow up, open your mouth, say no.

I do, but it puts my mother in a terrible position where she bears the brunt of his anger once I say anything.

That's HER choice to be a doormat. That's HER choice to allow him to treat her that way, with no real consequences. You are not responsible for HER choices.

You are responsible for you.

The fact that this is a post about lacking self-awareness is laughable. In a sad way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had to learn that I always had to have a separate car when visiting with my parents, or a plan to get food. It's sad, but some parents don't care about the comfort of their adult children or grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU lack self-awareness if you can't see you're a victim and a martyr. Stop being such a willing participant in this dynamic. Grow up, open your mouth, say no.

I do, but it puts my mother in a terrible position where she bears the brunt of his anger once I say anything.

That's HER choice to be a doormat. That's HER choice to allow him to treat her that way, with no real consequences. You are not responsible for HER choices.

You are responsible for you.



The fact that this is a post about lacking self-awareness is laughable. In a sad way.

You are not responsible for “protecting” your mom. By the way — it’s also her choice to put up with his crap, and her choice to not defend you to him. Please read about codependency.

[Anonymous]

Your dad sucks but the problem is not the vacation, it’s that you set yourself up to fail. You need your own car, your own hotel room, food delivery, and most of all, a spine — stick to your schedule if your kid needs food for gods sake.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very very much like my difficult FIL.

We would never in a million years plan a vacation with him as described. We always do our own hotel room, own rental car etc etc. When we visit ILs we stay at a hotel and when they visit us- the same.

If you knew he was like this, why did you agree to this setup?? That really is the issue. You need to anticipate these issues and plan accordingly- if he has always been difficult he certainly isn’t going to change now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents. What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't. Use your imagination. Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child. You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you. Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim. You are capable of controlling your time with your parents. You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.

What is somebody to do in that situation? Drag somebody who is half a foot taller than me out of the house? I try to advocate for myself and my child, and I get lectured. I can’t win, so I think I’m going to stop trying.

You don't try to advocate, you ACT. Hire an Uber. Order in a pizza. Get a second rental car. Tell your parents that you are taking your child out to eat for an early dinner, just the two of you, and ask if they want you to bring them something back to eat. Get your child to bed on time. Go shopping and fill the rental house with snacks. There are so many other options besides sitting back, getting lectured and apologizing for your mother's choices.

This. I don’t “ask” or explain things to my parents or ILs- I’m in my 40s! We TELL them what we (our immediately family) are doing, as described above. We’d tell them we are leaving to grab dinner, and see you back at the hotel! I find this entire scenario difficult to understand- sounds more like a teenager/parent dynamic than a mature adult child with a family of her own/parent dynamic.