Tell parents of teen’s friends about transgressions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have adult kids and a 17 year old still at home. My honest answer? It depends on the transgression.

Smoking cigarettes? No.
Smoking a little weed? No.
Cursing? No
Breaking curfew? No
Having sex? No

Drinking? Probably not.
Sneaking out? Maybe.

Vaping? Yes
Speeding or reckless driving? Yes
Vandalism? Yes
Using drugs (other than pot). Hell yes.
Drinking and driving? Abso-fukcking-lutely

so you'd snitch on someone vaping or speeding, but smoking cigs or, Weed, both of which are illegal, like vaping or speeding. you give them a pass... ooookay...

[Anonymous]

OP here - It is vaping.

I told the parents via email on saturday morning (I rarely see these parents in person). One said "thank you very much" and the other did not respond.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you absolutely did the right thing on the vaping. Kids are dying. Too dangerous right now not to tell.
Agree with PPs, if they don't respond or want to talk to you about it or have the kid take responsibility, that's for them to work out. At least you've told them before their kid ends up in the hospital.

And yes, I know that doesn't happen to everyone, of course. But it is happening right now, too often to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you catch your teen (15 year old) doing something wrong e.g. vaping, and you know others are involved, or you catch them together, do you tell the parents of the other kids?

Yes. And also, the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We caught our nextdoor neighbor teenagers doing some dangerous things with other teens in their back yard while the parents were out. We broke up the party. Sent the boys home and gave the neighbor teen the option of her telling her parents or us telling. She opted for her telling. It worked out well and the teen came back to thank us for giving her the option.

Wow. I want you for a neighbor!

My husband and I always think of that as the first big parenting decision we ever made. Our kids were little at the time (and the teen was often their babysitter). I remember standing in our kitchen ready for bed at 9pm when we saw the teens. DH and I had a big discussion and went to get dressed so we could go outside. The teen is now in her late 20's and has a great job. The best part was when she came back to thank us. She had gotten in over her head and didn't know what to do. We told her she could always use us to be the bad guys. It worked great since we were almost always home she always had an comeback to any "friends". She knew she could text us as well. We are still friends with her parents even though we all live 8 hours away from each other. Now our kids are teens so we have tried to make sure they have other adults in their lives that they can count on as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Be prepared for them to get angry with you (“Susie would never do anything like that! How dare you lie to me!”), but yes always share facts.

NP here. This is what I am wondering. If we are talking about the "my kid would never do that, I will instead blame your kid" types, is there any use in telling the parents? There are parents of a different culture that I know, where nothing is ever their teen's fault, even though you (and other people) know it most certainly is. These are the types of parents who end up suing other parents over their own kid's stupid behaviors. Sometimes there is no use in telling.

Unreal. I hope you mean parenting culture and not other type of culture. Lots of parents like this in every culture and country and no need to bring that into it here. You have a problem with that particular parent.

[Anonymous]

Hell yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - It is vaping.

I told the parents via email on saturday morning (I rarely see these parents in person). One said "thank you very much" and the other did not respond.

Hi OP. I've at various times been all the parents above in similar scenarios. You did the right thing. Don't take the non-response personally. It's entirely possible the other parents are wondering how to handle things right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Be prepared for them to get angry with you (“Susie would never do anything like that! How dare you lie to me!”), but yes always share facts.

NP here. This is what I am wondering. If we are talking about the "my kid would never do that, I will instead blame your kid" types, is there any use in telling the parents? There are parents of a different culture that I know, where nothing is ever their teen's fault, even though you (and other people) know it most certainly is. These are the types of parents who end up suing other parents over their own kid's stupid behaviors. Sometimes there is no use in telling.

It can be helpful to put it on blast that you are that parent, even if you get the "my kid would never..." response. FWIW? I've never gotten the "my kid would never..." in response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Be prepared for them to get angry with you (“Susie would never do anything like that! How dare you lie to me!”), but yes always share facts.

NP here. This is what I am wondering. If we are talking about the "my kid would never do that, I will instead blame your kid" types, is there any use in telling the parents? There are parents of a different culture that I know, where nothing is ever their teen's fault, even though you (and other people) know it most certainly is. These are the types of parents who end up suing other parents over their own kid's stupid behaviors. Sometimes there is no use in telling.

Unreal. I hope you mean parenting culture and not other type of culture. Lots of parents like this in every culture and country and no need to bring that into it here. You have a problem with that particular parent.

I don't think there is much of a danger of this sort of backlash where (1) you report only what you saw/heard first hand; and (2) you do not presume to tell the other parents what to do about what you saw. You are simply reporting what you saw, in case they care. You probably also bring their defense down if you acknowledge your own kid was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you catch your teen (15 year old) doing something wrong e.g. vaping, and you know others are involved, or you catch them together, do you tell the parents of the other kids?

As a parent of a teen I would definitely want to know and if you said it nicely and not sounding accusatory I would be very very grateful to you for sharing that especially because my child has a medical condition which vaping or smoking or any sort could really harm them.

[Anonymous]

My son once said he held back on telling me about a bully situation at school because he thought I might tell the kid's mom. He wanted to handle it without escalating. And he did. Since then I have told him I will only call the mom if someone's life is in danger. I want him telling me stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you catch your teen (15 year old) doing something wrong e.g. vaping, and you know others are involved, or you catch them together, do you tell the parents of the other kids?

Yes. And also, the police.

WTF is with DCUM and the police? You catch a kid vaping and you want to call the police?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have adult kids and a 17 year old still at home. My honest answer? It depends on the transgression.

Smoking cigarettes? No.
Smoking a little weed? No.
Cursing? No
Breaking curfew? No
Having sex? No

Drinking? Probably not.
Sneaking out? Maybe.

Vaping? Yes
Speeding or reckless driving? Yes
Vandalism? Yes
Using drugs (other than pot). Hell yes.
Drinking and driving? Abso-fukcking-lutely

Agree with this, though may say something about drinking if kid under 16.
I would add -- a girl hooking up while very drunk -- yes. or if a boy hooks up with an drunk girl

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the situation, honestly.

I had this happen recently when I came home early to find my teen DD and her friend not fully clothed. I had a talk with both of them but I did not talk to the girl's parents. That would have involved me 'outing' her and that's just not my place.

Drinking? I probably would contact them, yes.
Smoking? No.
Weed? Yes, probably.
Hearing from one of my kids that the other kid mentioned self harm? Definitely.