5 year old mean girl?

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that girls can start this behavior around 3.5.

It’s not just saying their mind. It’s purposefully saying something to cut the other kid down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who lives in a $2M new build in McLean. They have a huge open basement that is essentially kid-heaven (open, airy and FULL of toys). She came over to my South Arlington townhouse one day with her 4 year old son. She told him to play in our basement (small, narrow, still full of toys) with my same-aged kid and he looks at her and goes "Mom I can't play, there's NO SPACE!". HA. She was mortified and I thought it was hilarious. I'm no insecure about my house, yes it's smaller, and no I don't really care.

Ha! When our DC was born, we lived in a -gasp!!Someone call CSP!- one-bedroom apartment. DH's sister married into crapload of money so her family lives in a McMansion in Philly; when they first come to visit to see our newborn, their then 6-year-old looked around and loudly said: "Mom, this place is so small! How do they live here?"

I also thought it was hilarious. I'm not from around here, and where I am from, everyone lives in apartments; I wanted to say something along the lines of "Everyone's circumstances are different and you and you and your parents should get out more" but, of course, I didn't.

[Anonymous]

We’re on the other side of this. We live in a pretty big house and my almost-5-year-old sometimes talks about how big our house is. I think he’s comparing it to when we lived in an apartment but it doesn’t come across that way, especially since our house really is big. I am trying to teach him that it’s not something to say to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

The child said she does not want to play with black boys, only white ones. THat is not an observation. Yes, she likely learned it somewhere, but I don't want my children to be on the receiving end of that.

If this is the response from OP, then yes, the stay away route is fine. The 5yo is likely hearing the same racism from her parents. It's not your job to counteract what her own parents have taught her. It CAN be a teachable moment for your own kid about how much fun differences can be and that the other girl might miss out on new friends because she only wants to play with white boys.

[Anonymous]

Kids that age are concrete thinkers. They don’t get the implications of a smaller youse = less money = you’re inferior. They just notice the size. I have the most tender hearted 5 yo ever, she will cry if she thinks someone else is sad or upset, but the other day even she casually remarked to me how big a (very) obese woman at the store was. I obviously told her we don’t discuss other people’s bodies and all that, but she wasn’t being a mean girl... she’s just a kid verbalizing a thing she sees. Quit taking out your insecurities by labeling a 5 year old a “mean girl.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

The child said she does not want to play with black boys, only white ones. THat is not an observation. Yes, she likely learned it somewhere, but I don't want my children to be on the receiving end of that.

If this is the response from OP, then yes, the stay away route is fine. The 5yo is likely hearing the same racism from her parents. It's not your job to counteract what her own parents have taught her. It CAN be a teachable moment for your own kid about how much fun differences can be and that the other girl might miss out on new friends because she only wants to play with white boys.

Even though that sounds awful-I’d still be careful about ascribing too much meaning to it. My own kid has come home from school some days saying that she likes peach people better than brown people, or that she doesn’t want to play with brown people. She absolutely didn’t hear that from us and I was very surprised since she has several friends of different races, we have family who aren’t white, and she’s had a number of beloved teachers who weren’t white. Digging into it a little, it turned out that there was a particular girl in her class that she was having problems with and in typical 5yo drama queen fashion she took being mad at that kid and made it into an absolute statement. Something to keep an eye on, sure, but don’t write off a 5yo and her entire family because she may be expressing things poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

The child said she does not want to play with black boys, only white ones. THat is not an observation. Yes, she likely learned it somewhere, but I don't want my children to be on the receiving end of that.

If this is the response from OP, then yes, the stay away route is fine. The 5yo is likely hearing the same racism from her parents. It's not your job to counteract what her own parents have taught her. It CAN be a teachable moment for your own kid about how much fun differences can be and that the other girl might miss out on new friends because she only wants to play with white boys.

Even though that sounds awful-I’d still be careful about ascribing too much meaning to it. My own kid has come home from school some days saying that she likes peach people better than brown people, or that she doesn’t want to play with brown people. She absolutely didn’t hear that from us and I was very surprised since she has several friends of different races, we have family who aren’t white, and she’s had a number of beloved teachers who weren’t white. Digging into it a little, it turned out that there was a particular girl in her class that she was having problems with and in typical 5yo drama queen fashion she took being mad at that kid and made it into an absolute statement. Something to keep an eye on, sure, but don’t write off a 5yo and her entire family because she may be expressing things poorly.

+1. The same way it is developmentally appropriate for kids to play “doctor” at this age without it meaning they are being abused, you might be hearing statements from them about race. Normal. It means you need to address it together, that is all. The main thing is how the parents react when you mention this to them.

Re: house — I wouldn’t worry either. If you hang out with five year olds for any amount of time you’ll notice that once in a while they say rude and inappropriate things. Children need to be taught, not shunned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

The child said she does not want to play with black boys, only white ones. THat is not an observation. Yes, she likely learned it somewhere, but I don't want my children to be on the receiving end of that.

If this is the response from OP, then yes, the stay away route is fine. The 5yo is likely hearing the same racism from her parents. It's not your job to counteract what her own parents have taught her. It CAN be a teachable moment for your own kid about how much fun differences can be and that the other girl might miss out on new friends because she only wants to play with white boys.

Even though that sounds awful-I’d still be careful about ascribing too much meaning to it. My own kid has come home from school some days saying that she likes peach people better than brown people, or that she doesn’t want to play with brown people. She absolutely didn’t hear that from us and I was very surprised since she has several friends of different races, we have family who aren’t white, and she’s had a number of beloved teachers who weren’t white. Digging into it a little, it turned out that there was a particular girl in her class that she was having problems with and in typical 5yo drama queen fashion she took being mad at that kid and made it into an absolute statement. Something to keep an eye on, sure, but don’t write off a 5yo and her entire family because she may be expressing things poorly.

+1. The same way it is developmentally appropriate for kids to play “doctor” at this age without it meaning they are being abused, you might be hearing statements from them about race. Normal. It means you need to address it together, that is all. The main thing is how the parents react when you mention this to them.

Re: house — I wouldn’t worry either. If you hang out with five year olds for any amount of time you’ll notice that once in a while they say rude and inappropriate things. Children need to be taught, not shunned.

As a parent of color, I'd be very wary of yoru family then......those of us on the receiving end of these things know that not seeing these things as causes for concern never turn out well for us...

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing: why did OP lead with the kid calling her house small and THEN allege the girl said racist stuff later only after people told her the house comment was NBD. Evidently the racist comments didn’t bother her too much if the kids were still playing. Nope, only when she called OP’s house small was there an issue.