Armchair diagnosticians! What is this personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic personality disorder

This. To a tee.

Well, though, I always thought these types end up in power positions in their life, but this person actively seeks to not get out of her comfort zone.

Her position of power may well be through controlling and manipulating her family.

This is correct. They don’t have to be lawyers/senators/surgeons. Their fiefdom of manipulative terror can be their neighborhood block, their family, their church bible study, the PTA, etc. Ask me how I know, sigh.

Ok, this makes sense. So, how to deal? ...no matter what boundary or distance we set up, she finds a way to go around. It's very anxiety producing. And it's all the time. I actively avoid getting into anything with her...just refuse to, but that stokes the fire even more.

Cut her out of your life, or go grey rock (google it).

[Anonymous]

On the autism spectrum that presents as narcism, anxiety, rage...starts to wonder, is OP talking about me??

[Anonymous]

Grey rock all the way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the autism spectrum that presents as narcism, anxiety, rage...starts to wonder, is OP talking about me??

You are capable of self reflection. You may not come off as bad as you fear.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of the same as op described and it’s anxiety and PTSD. I feel like shi* every time I yell. Currently in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety, plus NPD, and maybe a few other things.
In my family, lots of people have NPD and the only other people they tried to control were family.

[Anonymous]

Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

I would ask you to consider the phrase “cannot be avoided“. Is that really true? Are you putting yourself in a position where you are interacting with this person for their benefit or for the benefit of others? Do you have to be there? It’s OK to remove yourself from this person‘s vicinity for your own mental health, and for the health of your family. Those of the people that you put first, and nobody else. Do not let other people guilt or manipulate you into putting yourself in the path of someone who terrorizes you and your family. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you can avoid this person if you put up boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does not socialize with others, only immediate family. Does not have friends, does not talk to other women in a social way, or manner no lunches, dinners with other women, phone chats
Married, but fights all the time in a bullying way
Claims to be an expert on just about everything from general information on the internet....medicine, disease, situations, politics, yet most of what she knows is false.
Gets into conspiracy theories heavily.
Becomes angry at people for misunderstandings, yells, hangs up phone, makes up scenarios that never happened, or twists things around, bullies
Plays the victim constantly
Highly critical of everyone
Is generally unhappy with lot in life- kind of believes in a zero sum game mentality

This has to be something, right? This is a relative of ours...middle aged woman. Yes, she grew up in a toxic environment. Yet, soooo tired of it.

Avoidant personality disorder or possibly schizoaffective disorer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic personality disorder

This. To a tee.

Well, though, I always thought these types end up in power positions in their life, but this person actively seeks to not get out of her comfort zone.

Her position of power may well be through controlling and manipulating her family.

This is correct. They don’t have to be lawyers/senators/surgeons. Their fiefdom of manipulative terror can be their neighborhood block, their family, their church bible study, the PTA, etc. Ask me how I know, sigh.

Ok, this makes sense. So, how to deal? ...no matter what boundary or distance we set up, she finds a way to go around. It's very anxiety producing. And it's all the time. I actively avoid getting into anything with her...just refuse to, but that stokes the fire even more.

Yes, you can't give reasons. Reasons are things to argue with or reason around. "I'm sorry, but that won't work." "I can't do that." "We won't be able to make it." No details why.

And you have to be as matter-of-fact and emotionless as possible. Non-interesting. Have you come across the term "gray rock" yet?

[Anonymous]

PS: whoops, just catching up. The Rock is popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

I would ask you to consider the phrase “cannot be avoided“. Is that really true? Are you putting yourself in a position where you are interacting with this person for their benefit or for the benefit of others? Do you have to be there? It’s OK to remove yourself from this person‘s vicinity for your own mental health, and for the health of your family. Those of the people that you put first, and nobody else. Do not let other people guilt or manipulate you into putting yourself in the path of someone who terrorizes you and your family. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you can avoid this person if you put up boundaries.

Well, that's a good question. On a general daily basis, no. I do not. However my in laws are elderly and infirmed and we help care for them. Of course, she doesn't actually ever help, but she inserts herself physically and mentally into the scenario constantly...on the phone, comments to them, comments to us- she'scan expert on everything, but in actuality she knows nothing. So, yes, I am there. Also, we host all the family events for these inlaws, and they are part of the family. If I stood my ground and demanded that she not come for Thanksgiving, etc., then really I am creating the drama. I do the gray rock thing the whole day with her...and her whole demeanor is such a buzz kill for everyone, even her own kids make fun if her. It's sad for everyone. I mean, it is actually depressing. Right now there is a bit of a crisis with the elders, and she has reared her full self with calls, advice, warnings, threats, and we just are now not answering the phone, but then she will call the hospital...and they call us. So, no...can only do so much. Her husband is just a shell of a person, so no help there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

I feel you. There is one in my family, too. I have tried the grey rocking with varying levels of success. It's a process and requires great restraint and consistency. One slip up and I'm back in it with her. It sucks to be in this position, but total avoidance is impossible. Reading about narcissists helps me to understand that my relative feeds off drama and hurting people in order to feel better about herself. We can't allow it to be at our detriment that they thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

I would ask you to consider the phrase “cannot be avoided“. Is that really true? Are you putting yourself in a position where you are interacting with this person for their benefit or for the benefit of others? Do you have to be there? It’s OK to remove yourself from this person‘s vicinity for your own mental health, and for the health of your family. Those of the people that you put first, and nobody else. Do not let other people guilt or manipulate you into putting yourself in the path of someone who terrorizes you and your family. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you can avoid this person if you put up boundaries.

Well, that's a good question. On a general daily basis, no. I do not. However my in laws are elderly and infirmed and we help care for them. Of course, she doesn't actually ever help, but she inserts herself physically and mentally into the scenario constantly...on the phone, comments to them, comments to us- she'scan expert on everything, but in actuality she knows nothing. So, yes, I am there. Also, we host all the family events for these inlaws, and they are part of the family. If I stood my ground and demanded that she not come for Thanksgiving, etc., then really I am creating the drama. I do the gray rock thing the whole day with her...and her whole demeanor is such a buzz kill for everyone, even her own kids make fun if her. It's sad for everyone. I mean, it is actually depressing. Right now there is a bit of a crisis with the elders, and she has reared her full self with calls, advice, warnings, threats, and we just are now not answering the phone, but then she will call the hospital...and they call us. So, no...can only do so much. Her husband is just a shell of a person, so no help there.

Don’t host events. Hold them in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Celebrate holidays where your in-laws live, not your own. The key is to make sure you can separate yourself from this person quickly and easily. You do not want to have this person in your home. If you want to create that boundary quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided, in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today, but I feel kind of better.

I would ask you to consider the phrase “cannot be avoided“. Is that really true? Are you putting yourself in a position where you are interacting with this person for their benefit or for the benefit of others? Do you have to be there? It’s OK to remove yourself from this person‘s vicinity for your own mental health, and for the health of your family. Those of the people that you put first, and nobody else. Do not let other people guilt or manipulate you into putting yourself in the path of someone who terrorizes you and your family. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you can avoid this person if you put up boundaries.

Well, that's a good question. On a general daily basis, no. I do not. However my in laws are elderly and infirmed and we help care for them. Of course, she doesn't actually ever help, but she inserts herself physically and mentally into the scenario constantly...on the phone, comments to them, comments to us- she'scan expert on everything, but in actuality she knows nothing. So, yes, I am there. Also, we host all the family events for these inlaws, and they are part of the family. If I stood my ground and demanded that she not come for Thanksgiving, etc., then really I am creating the drama. I do the gray rock thing the whole day with her...and her whole demeanor is such a buzz kill for everyone, even her own kids make fun if her. It's sad for everyone. I mean, it is actually depressing. Right now there is a bit of a crisis with the elders, and she has reared her full self with calls, advice, warnings, threats, and we just are now not answering the phone, but then she will call the hospital...and they call us. So, no...can only do so much. Her husband is just a shell of a person, so no help there.

Don’t host events. Hold them in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Celebrate holidays where your in-laws live, not your own. The key is to make sure you can separate yourself from this person quickly and easily. You do not want to have this person in your home. If you want to create that boundary quickly.

They are in their 90s. A lot of what we do is about their comfort- so restaurants won't do. I will just have to pull up my big girl pants.