Anonymous wrote:So
Changed enough of the below to protect the innocent (certainly not me)
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I met my DW about two decades ago, and we had lived together for a bit over 15 years across 6 states before we had a surprise pregnancy. We got married at about five months pregnant because that is what you do when expecting kids and we had talked about having them. I love my DC more than anything I could imagine. About three months before he was born a new political appointee pushed me out of my current job, and while I could have resisted and won, I decided to let it go. Then DC came, and things got hard. He had complications, ended up in the ICU at birth, and shortly after I received my severence started having young hospitalizations for medical issues. DW wife had bad post-partum depression and wasn't willing to seek treatment. She became emotionally abusive - screaming at me, DC, and the cat so much everyone got skittish around her.
I found another job and worked myself back up to where I had been at though I had issues with everything that happened and was not ok. DW had challenges I did everything I could to be there for her - emotionally, financially, taking DC with me when traveling for work. But I also started feeling disconnected from her. As we later discussed - it felt to me like I had two dependents - my wife and DC. So I replaced the support and friendship I had gotten from her with similar from friends and others. A schoolmate had dinner with me one night, and I realized I felt emotionally connected to her more so than my wife and said so. And then got an intervention around drinking from schoolmates. And got a better about drinking with one exception.
Then I had dinner with another friend, and made an inartful, sure to be unsuccessful pass, but one that represented the way I felt at the time (and still feel) - more connected to her than my spouse, admiration, and attraction. And then left before a response. I regret the amount I drank that night.
Then I felt motivation to change my life. While I felt like I had alienated people who I cared about and who cared about me, I knew I was wallowing and not in the right place mentally or physically. So I lost 100 pounds over the next 9 months and acquired self discipline I had lacked. I went through periods of not drinking. I got my work together. I became a better dad and took on the heavy lifting. I tried to do anything possible to push my DW to get a social support network that wasn't me because I wasn't enough - she tried therapy and other solutions.
She started feeling like:
1. She had been depressed
2. She was starting to feel better
3. She needed help
But she still couldn't stop the fits of rage at me and DC. And I stopped feeling like there was anything we could talk about. I often waited until DC was in bed and then drank as an avoidance strategy to escape our life together. I'm still not sure why this was the only choice, rather than leaving the house. I started texting people while sitting next to her on the couch feeling stuck - like I couldn't do more bad to her when her life had been ruined by parenthood, DC health problems, and stress of me not being good enough.
I went out to a happy hour with dear friend again. We had honest conversations and were both dealing with spouses who were challenged by life, and trying to support them and not acknowledge challenges and disappointment. She convinced me I deserved better - someone to be a good parent to DC and someone who felt like a partner in that conversation. And I wanted that and more for the first time. And I felt like this was one of the first people I had spoken to in years who was out for me. And felt unspeakable gratitude.
And then things got weirder. In retrospect, I feel like I kept going back and forth between hot and cold periods with dear friend. Meanwhile I had strong enough friendships through work and school to help me deal with the reality that I didn't feel like there was a way to be married to DW and have the life that DC or me deserved. But I mostly "suffered in silence" occasionally making comments reflecting how I felt and then backpedalling when she cried. I sucked as a person.
And then I had a number of breakthroughs, and worked with DW on the issues we had. And found that she started feeling happier, and was sometimes a good parent. And then stuff got bad again with DC, and she stayed a sometimes good parent, and a rest of the times OK parent (and only occasionally a mean parent, though still feeling abusive at times). And she felt like she wasn't depressed or in a bad place anymore even if it certainly didn't feel that way to me.
Meanwhile I had inappropriate feelings for DF, felt guilty about them, and felt like it would be cruel (and difficult) to talk honestly to DW about them. Though I did talk to her about my challenges in our relationship and a need for serious change. What was funny to me, was I was still attracted to other people, got hit on by some of them, and said no because I was married. I'm still not sure I understand what my boundaries were.
And then I broached divorce/separation for the fourth time with DW. And she got herself more together - even if in ways I find frustrating (e.g. using DC for leave time to focus on her next career). And we started couples counseling (then failed to follow through after she was blamed in the first session for attacks on me and DC - we didn't get to the ways I sucked). She has issues with counseling and mental health support from her family that make her disinclined to stay the course.
Meanwhile DF and I had an evolution in relationship - we started talking about building a non-profit together after she moved to another country with her DH. We were maybe partners not friends. And then there was a bad night while we were planning the non-profit. Her husband texted her while we were out planning the org. And she cried. And she also told me I had made a me-too moment for her that she didn't mind because now we could be equal partners. And that she was committed to going forward, and we would be fine as partners as long as she stayed married. And that she regretted life choices in a way that implied her DH And the ride home is burned in my mind - it was clear her husband knew I had been inappropriate, she told him we were doing this anyway, he was angry, and she was sad. She has 2 DC. I felt tremendous regret over the me too moment, the consequences she was facing for starting the org, and my bad choices. And still had inappropriate feelings toward her that I knew I had to avoid ever pushing because her stuff was hard enough as was mine.
And then things changed again. She stopped seeking me out as much to plan the org but also insisted she was still on board. I felt super guilty about the fact that clearly my bad choices had contributed to challenges in her marriage. I felt bad that I was headed toward divorce, but also felt I was not in a place to stay married to DW. And also was trying to figure out how to navigate my relationships in the best way for DC. And also was well aware that with the international move there was no way that things would work out with DF and me beyond non-profit world - especially if this was how things started.
So felt positive toward feeling / being alone for a while to get myself together, knowing that as much as I had been selfish and super inappropriate that I had more work to do on me before I was ready for the right relationship. And I owed DW and DF amends beyond any I could ever create. But also don't know how to be the person I want to be and do right by DC (4.5yo, diagnosed special ed, incredible humorist).
But I'm finding DW wants to cling to me, though I don't think I deserve that. I also don't know I want it. And I want to not screw up DF marriage more than I have. But I also do want to do better by the world with her and don't feel like I can let go. But she is also smarter than me, but feels like she has mixed feelings.
I don't know what to do next other than feel guilty, not try to start new problems for either of the women who deserve better than they got from me, and be the dad I want to be for DC. But I could use some new suggestions from DCUM (yes I know I basically started what might be an emotional affair, I know blowing up my marriage despite original or current circumstance could be bad for DC, I know that I should have made different choices though I still don't know which ones). I'm hoping for forward looking ideas that do better by them and potentially provide me with some hope. And yes also, I am seeking new personal or marriage counseling. And I have a different relationship with alcohol than I used to.
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