Adorable SIL confided to me my young brother is aloof and super secretive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this

OP was out of it.. until sister-in-law looped her in.

There’s a difference between being a confidant and being a self-appointed facilitator.
Stay out of it unless specifically asked otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless she specifically asks for intervention, stay out of it. Otherwise, be a good listener and offer advice but that’s it.

+1

Ask your SIL what she needs. You are a wonderful SIL to want to help, OP. I know someone who was having trouble, went to the SIL (like yours did), and the SIL denied the obvious, so that automatically discredited the SIL (the one that denied everything). What your SIL needs is your support, even if that is just a sympathetic ear, OP. If you brush off her concerns she is going to distance herself from you. And yes, you are smart to acknowledge that he "married up", and to give her credit where it is due. The family I mention treated women as second class citizens - at the same time, they felt entitled to whatever the husband/brother could do for THEM - which did them no favors.

[Anonymous]

Same situation here, only my brothers fiancés brother asked me What’s Up.
Shitty situation, but I gave general advice: talk about the future, values, kids or no kids, future family goals, roles and responsibilities of husband/wife and father/mother expectations.

If my brother can’t answer those questions, he’s not ready to be married.

If his fiancée doesn’t like his responses, they shouldn’t get married. She will also have to use her judgement, all smoke and mirrors isn’t going to cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here, only my brothers fiancés brother asked me What’s Up.
Shitty situation, but I gave general advice: talk about the future, values, kids or no kids, future family goals, roles and responsibilities of husband/wife and father/mother expectations.

If my brother can’t answer those questions, he’s not ready to be married.

If his fiancée doesn’t like his responses, they shouldn’t get married. She will also have to use her judgement, all smoke and mirrors isn’t going to cut it.

+1

PP here. I agree with the smoke and mirrors part. If the family is too quiet, that is never good. I know someone that married into family and the sisters were all questions to the new bride about what the bride's family did - but refused or "played dumb" about what their family did. This was in regard to innocuous questions, too! The brothers in the family were/are not married, which tells you something -they did not like what they saw growing up, and now the bride sees it, too. Anyway, that was just one indication that the family was/is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.
There’s a thing in relationships called triangulation. People trying to enlist a third-party to communicate, rather than communicating directly. Don’t be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
There’s a thing in relationships called triangulation. People trying to enlist a third-party to communicate, rather than communicating directly. Don’t be a part of it.

Not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Ask SIL what she wants. Depending, say something yourself if you are close or have your older brother or father have a word, man to man, with him. Whoever he respects the most and it will be the best received from.

[Anonymous]

My mom has a conversation with my brother when he was first married and was doing some of these same things. She told him that he was allowed to do what he wanted, hang out with his friends, go golfing, come over to my parents house all of the time, etc. But she also told him that his wife is allowed to do what she wants to, and this includes leaving him and finding someone who is more interested in spending time with her.
It really seemed to straighten him out.

[Anonymous]

SIL needs to learn to communicate with her own husband. Are they super young? Why is she sharing marriage drama with extended family?

My husband and I married at 22 and had to learn to be adults together. We did a round of marriage counseling that helped us learn to discuss difficult things.

I’d coach SIL to talk to your brother.