Anxious paranoia from aging parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my FIL has become more and more angry, inflexible and critical. Just awful.

+1

Sometimes older people pick fights, OP. Be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this at 58. She got a cold and thought the waitress must have infected only her cup of water. The power went out during a storm because the “Chinese must have hacked the power grid since we’Re in the dc area.” She completely closes the shades in the middle of the day because she thinks people are watching her. She eyes passers by suspiciously if they are too slow or glance toward the house.

That is not normal behavior associated with aging, particularly at 58.

In truth, a lot of what PPs describe sounds like anxiety or mental illness. If the onset is sudden or new, maybe it’s a reaction to a medication? But people in their 50s and 60s don’t typicslly experience what PPs report.

I do think that aging can exacerbate pre-existing personality traits (although sometimes people mellow out with age, too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And also normal. DH and I just commented that we have to pay attention not to become like his dad and my mom. She is right now next to me telling me that she doesn't know how to take photos with her phone. Which she did know last year, and saying how do I see what I want to take a picture off, while holding the phone down at her feet. Patience is your best friend.

Did you help her? Good luck keeping up with technology once you're elderly.

Yes. I helped her. She kept saying it only takes photos of her feet! She also talks about how great her memory is to every single person. I am worried that it will get much worse and she is the kind of a person to reject any suggestion that something is wrong. Even me telling her to point the phone camera at the dog to take a picture of the dog was a big deal. She just told me that she saw a neurologist(some 15 years ago) and she repeated the line Dr asked her to repeat, so she is perfectly fine. I didn't dissuade her. Few months ago she was sending me photos by text, now she forgot to point the phone camera at the thing she wants to take a photo of. She was always a negative person, always, and it is getting worse with this issue. It is the same phone she had for 3 years, so we are not talking about some new fancy phone for her. I worry about this rapid decline, mostly because she is unlikely to accept help and will deny she needs help. FIL is more like OP's parents, just negative about hotels, food, planes, our kids, jobs, money, heck even soda.

[Anonymous]

If they were already anxious or paranoid people then they will probably become more so as they age. Also if they have dementia they may have some anxiety and paranoia with that. My dad has always been an anxious person and has become more anxious as he ages. He recently got the ring doorbell so he could check what is going on at his house at all hours of the day when he visits us in another state or any time he’s away from home. He was checking that thing constantly when he visited recently and called my brother, who was picking up their mail while they were gone, at least once a day to “see how everything was going at the house” to which my brother, who doesn’t live at their house and was only there each evening to collect the mail, never had anything to report whatsoever. I mostly just feel sorry for him that he has to live with anxiety like that all the time but I also kind of dread how much worse it might get as he ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they were already anxious or paranoid people then they will probably become more so as they age. Also if they have dementia they may have some anxiety and paranoia with that. My dad has always been an anxious person and has become more anxious as he ages. He recently got the ring doorbell so he could check what is going on at his house at all hours of the day when he visits us in another state or any time he’s away from home. He was checking that thing constantly when he visited recently and called my brother, who was picking up their mail while they were gone, at least once a day to “see how everything was going at the house” to which my brother, who doesn’t live at their house and was only there each evening to collect the mail, never had anything to report whatsoever. I mostly just feel sorry for him that he has to live with anxiety like that all the time but I also kind of dread how much worse it might get as he ages.

Has he ever had his anxiety treated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As people grow older, their physical frailty can make them feel more vulnerable. They also can start feeling less "with it" and slower on the uptake mentally. All of this can make a person feel more paranoid because they genuinely feel more vulnerable and less secure. They start craving reassurance and the comfortable familiarity of routines.

Sometimes older people are reluctant to explain the reasons for what appears to be a weird behavior, because they don't like seeming frail and/or old. For example, they may *have* to be home early and won't explain why, but it's because their eyesight makes driving at night difficult and they don't want to admit it. They also can sometimes be in physical discomfort, and they don't want to admit that for fear of being seen as a whiner or complainer; nonetheless, it will affect them. Sometimes they don't even realize changes in their perception that can affect their mood--cataracts can literally make the world look darker. Hearing problems can make it difficult to follow what's going on in a room full of people.

Then, there's the fact that their friends keep dying, and they know they will die soon too. For some older people, it can feel like just one loss after another.

It's just easier for people who are young and healthy to be more flexible and relax more. They have more energy, feel more capable of dealing with whatever uncertainties arise, and have largely experienced aging as growing more competent and not less. I think sometimes younger people, watching their parents get old, are just in denial about the fact that it's a real physical process that's going to affect a person in myriad ways. I have a lot of sympathy for older people and I feel like our society doesn't accept the changes they go through or offer much help or understanding.

Great post. I'm going to reread this. My mom is 80 and really only recently behaving differently. It's a weird thing for me as I've always been sensitive to the erratic moods of elderly people, but it is so very difficult for me to remember that my mom is one of them.

Btw, my mom told me that if she misunderstands or mishears something, or if she forgets what she's said, she simply turns the tables and declares the other person to be the one in the wrong. As in "I'm not late! I told you yesterday I'd meet you here at 2." Or " Nope, you forgot, you asked me to bring dessert, so I brought dessert." She explained this to me as though she'd come up with a fail proof idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they were already anxious or paranoid people then they will probably become more so as they age. Also if they have dementia they may have some anxiety and paranoia with that. My dad has always been an anxious person and has become more anxious as he ages. He recently got the ring doorbell so he could check what is going on at his house at all hours of the day when he visits us in another state or any time he’s away from home. He was checking that thing constantly when he visited recently and called my brother, who was picking up their mail while they were gone, at least once a day to “see how everything was going at the house” to which my brother, who doesn’t live at their house and was only there each evening to collect the mail, never had anything to report whatsoever. I mostly just feel sorry for him that he has to live with anxiety like that all the time but I also kind of dread how much worse it might get as he ages.

x1000000

[Anonymous]

Yes I’ve noticed this with my mom plus I don’t think Fox News being on in her house every second of the day helps. It breaks my heart that she listens to that crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this at 58. She got a cold and thought the waitress must have infected only her cup of water. The power went out during a storm because the “Chinese must have hacked the power grid since we’Re in the dc area.” She completely closes the shades in the middle of the day because she thinks people are watching her. She eyes passers by suspiciously if they are too slow or glance toward the house.

That is not normal behavior associated with aging, particularly at 58.

In truth, a lot of what PPs describe sounds like anxiety or mental illness. If the onset is sudden or new, maybe it’s a reaction to a medication? But people in their 50s and 60s don’t typicslly experience what PPs report.

I do think that aging can exacerbate pre-existing personality traits (although sometimes people mellow out with age, too).

Yes, 58 is not terribly old. That behavior is not at all normal or average for someone that age, or even in their 60s. Does your mom see a doctor regularly? Maybe you could go with her to an appointment and take a moment to express your concerns so that the doctor could see if there’s a reason she is acting this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is a personality issue or an aging issue, but I’ve noticed, in the last 10 years or so, odd behaviors from my parents. They are now early-70s.

Whenever they go on vacation, without fail they have an issue with their hotel room. It’s always something minor gripe that anyone else would probably brush off, but it’s like they need a perfect hotel room and can’t accept that a hotel room will never be perfect. They will move their luggage 5 times until they find an acceptable room.

Everything any of their neighbors does has to do with them personally. Neighbor retrieves his mail after dark? It’s because he doesn’t want them to see his mail, he must be hiding something. Neighbor doesn’t come over to talk when I’m out shoveling snow? It’s because they are mad at us.

Phone rings and nobody is there? It’s my estranged friend. We get this same call every day. It has to be my friend.

Do people just get more anxious and paranoid as they age? Or is this a sign of something else?

Well.. you are judging them from your perspective and they are not you anymore. they are older. They probably crate their world to have something to think about talk about and generally have a reason to wake up next day. If the little excitement with the mail or other made up stuff help them then what is the harm? Older people do tend to create their problems just as you would like to say to some.. get a life.. this is their life. They are trying to fill it wit what they can and how they can. Each person is different as they age this is how they age. Accept it and try to be less judgmental an more supportive.

If it takes them five rrooms.. then so be it. First of all the first room a hotel gives you is always a crap that someone else did not want, especially if they see elderly they try to push just anything. So fair is fair, they pay they demand.
To make it simple, ask them to check the language at the concierge's desk and then go room hopping.
Have them ask the office to give few different options, few keys and so they can see them and pick the best.
A good hotel will do it without ANY problem.

As to the mail thing.. just play along, show some excitement don't minimize it and say.. who knows.. maybe
he IS hiding something.. they will love you more then ever and what harm is in this?
Because while this is really non important and the guy just does his thing.. maybe he is hidings something
because he saw them watching his every move so he got spooked

They are making some magic.. maybe not anxiety? You know that every older person has some quirks,
soon you will have your own. Old age is after all going back to be a kid, so treat them a little bit more
like kids because they need simple unconditional and kind love and affection and not lecturing at t his point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were already anxious or paranoid people then they will probably become more so as they age. Also if they have dementia they may have some anxiety and paranoia with that. My dad has always been an anxious person and has become more anxious as he ages. He recently got the ring doorbell so he could check what is going on at his house at all hours of the day when he visits us in another state or any time he’s away from home. He was checking that thing constantly when he visited recently and called my brother, who was picking up their mail while they were gone, at least once a day to “see how everything was going at the house” to which my brother, who doesn’t live at their house and was only there each evening to collect the mail, never had anything to report whatsoever. I mostly just feel sorry for him that he has to live with anxiety like that all the time but I also kind of dread how much worse it might get as he ages.

x1000000

that is not entirely true. I know few elderly people who used to be very paranoid or anxious because they indeed lived in some situations that contributed to that.. but once they moved to different situations and everything changed, their
new situation made them relaxed.
It is often that the sheer denial of their anxiety and fears by loved ones fuels the very anxiety and fears because
they feel insecure and think you think they are nuts. It is very important for elderly to be able to trust to tell you stuff
knowing you won't judge them. You still can inside but don't say anything like that. Be always kind and understanding
and supportive. This takes so much weight of the anxious situation. It is hard to get older. I watched many family members declining over the years and the TLC always always works best for anxiety, not the smart ass denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this at 58. She got a cold and thought the waitress must have infected only her cup of water. The power went out during a storm because the “Chinese must have hacked the power grid since we’Re in the dc area.” She completely closes the shades in the middle of the day because she thinks people are watching her. She eyes passers by suspiciously if they are too slow or glance toward the house.

That is not normal behavior associated with aging, particularly at 58.

In truth, a lot of what PPs describe sounds like anxiety or mental illness. If the onset is sudden or new, maybe it’s a reaction to a medication? But people in their 50s and 60s don’t typicslly experience what PPs report.

I do think that aging can exacerbate pre-existing personality traits (although sometimes people mellow out with age, too).

Yes, 58 is not terribly old. That behavior is not at all normal or average for someone that age, or even in their 60s. Does your mom see a doctor regularly? Maybe you could go with her to an appointment and take a moment to express your concerns so that the doctor could see if there’s a reason she is acting this way.

Yeah, this is kind of young indeed. It does sound like some meds side effects indeed.