"Dating" among tweens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Someone who has an early fall birthday is not “almost” 13. October is 5 months away.

2. No dating until 11th grade. 6th graders do not meet up with one other person at a movie. My 7th grader doesn’t and won’t until 11th grade.

3. You have permission to judge these parents who allow their child to meet with another child alone at the movies for a date. That said, I would also take anything reported by 6th graders with a grain of salt. Having taught that grade for over 10 years, I know how prone they can be to exaggeration and misinterpretation.

Someone with a birthday in mid-Sept. is closer to 13 than 12, with voices changing and other physical characteristics. You can quibble all you want. Or have a different opinion. But it is "almost" 13 in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a 6th grader. So some of the kids are almost 13 (early fall bdays). Some are starting to "Date." This appears to be very little more than public declarations on social media, on the playground, via text, etc. Some are starting to meet up at movies together. My DC is not necessarily there yet. Actually, the majority aren't. But there are a vocal few that are, and everyone knows it. Some are even starting to run each others' noses in it (e.g. A likes B, B knows it, B likes C, and B can't help but rub his "relationship" in A's face.) This is 6th grade. I know this mostly from checking my DC's phone (& seeing the posts), hearing the kids talk among themselves, and what DC tells me.

So, I'm curious what are your rules for 6th graders "dating"? What do you tell your kids who are "dating" or maybe your kids who aren't and "no one likes [me]"? I'm just trying to gauge if I'm on the right path with my messaging. I find this all a bit hyper emotional (them not me) given the prevalence of social media and texting that was NOT around when I was this age? And to the small number of parents who encourage dating at this age - they exist, and I'm not judging just trying to understand- why?
Thanks.

And no comments about the social media please. That is a different issue and one that is, at least in our school, moot. The VAST majority of the kids have a phone and are on SM. I check my DC's religiously and, while it may not be ideal, DC has so far shown restraint and good behavior on it. I'm just not interested in this devolving into a discussion about that topic.

You sound like a bit of a busy body. Are your kids in public or private? At that age we would say were dating which comprised of nothing but exchanging notes. Now kids we know that age at single sex schools saying they are dating boys means nothing except they may say hello to one another or text. It’s harmless. It really just means they arefriends that talk or text.

[Anonymous]

My 7th grade DS (13 yo) declared he had a girlfriend a month ago. I asked him what that meant and he said it means they hang out together at school. So, far they have not met up outside of school or school activities. Last week, they had a full day school trip together where the kids had some time run around the amusement park by themselves. DS said he spent that time in the park with his girlfriend. (I'm not sure if they were alone or with other kids. I haven't set any rules for dating yet.

Several people here have said no (one-on-one) dating until 11th grade. My DS will turn 16 in 10th grade and I can see starting to let him really date once he's 16. (Would seem to be hard to stop it at that age, if they can drive and have access to a car.)

[Anonymous]

I have 6th grade girl/boy twins. Neither is interested in "dating" yet, in part because I think they've been exposed to their sibling's friends since toddlerhood (and there is no great mystery/intrigue with the opposite sex when they've been at your house weekly for years).

That said, many of their friends have been consumed with "dating" since the beginning of 6th grade. For much of the year this has meant nothing more than texting or in many cases, not even that. However, over the past month some of the kids who have the most obsessed with this have started sneaking around solo with the opposite sex and my kids are reporting that people are kissing. So there seems to be a pretty quick slide into real "dating".

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised everyone is anti-dating! I love dating in middle school -- it's an easy way to figure stuff out without as many life threatening consequences. (my 17 year old DS could be drinking, driving, sex, etc).

My 8th grade 14 year old has a girl friend. They text, hang out at school and occasionally go to the mall or movies. It's a great chance for me to shape his views on dating ---we talk a lot about consent, being a good friend/partner, being nice to her friends, remembering her birthday. If they want to go somewhere, me, my DH or the girl's parents have to drive so we know where they are, we know the girls' parents and we have some joint rules about them not being allowed in their rooms with doors closed, for example.

He might make some mistakes with her, but how else will he learn?

By the time they get to be 17, like my older one, it's harder to manage because they are more independent.

[Anonymous]

PP here with one more thought on dating, my DS that has a girlfriend does not have social media -- so that's not an issue for him or the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

This happened back when I was in MS, OP. I’m 40. But we didn’t call it dating, we called it “going together.” I had a few “boyfriends.” This meant sitting together in the cafeteria and calling each other after school. I did not spend time with any boys outside of supervised activities at church or school. I suppose I’m bringing this up because this is not new, even though they’re calling it dating, it’s still (usually) innocent at that age. But as my dad put it, “it’s fine if you’re going together as long as you’re not going anywhere.” Just make sure the kids are 100% supervised when together and make your behavior expectations clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised everyone is anti-dating! I love dating in middle school -- it's an easy way to figure stuff out without as many life threatening consequences. (my 17 year old DS could be drinking, driving, sex, etc).

My 8th grade 14 year old has a girl friend. They text, hang out at school and occasionally go to the mall or movies. It's a great chance for me to shape his views on dating ---we talk a lot about consent, being a good friend/partner, being nice to her friends, remembering her birthday. If they want to go somewhere, me, my DH or the girl's parents have to drive so we know where they are, we know the girls' parents and we have some joint rules about them not being allowed in their rooms with doors closed, for example.

He might make some mistakes with her, but how else will he learn?

By the time they get to be 17, like my older one, it's harder to manage because they are more independent.

People do have sex in Middle School. Not a lot of people do, but people do it. Maybe you can’t stop it from happening, by assuming it’s not isn’t realistic. By 8th Grade most kids have bodies ready for it and minds no where near ready. They don’t understand consequences and they can still be heavily monitored. When I was in Middle School (I’m 39) people were having sex, many were giving hand and blowjobs.

I agree with the poster that said to make sure they’re not alone as often as reasonable, if you think they are ready.

[Anonymous]

For my DS it's pretty innocent. He "dated" a girl at the beginning of the school year. From what I gathered, it consisted of nothing except smiling at each other in class, and he was impressed when she put pink streaks in her hair. I'm not even sure if it lasted a week. Neither of them had a phone, so no texting or talking outside of school.

He told me that the "dating" was trendy (not exactly sure if that was the word), but my impression is that they are trying to act older, but only a subset are actually interested in having a boyfriend/girlfriend.

If it had come that, I wouldn't have let them meet up outside of school except in a group and DS isn't getting a smartphone until at least 7th if not later, and no social media for a long while, so no worries about texting, social media. As you said OP, not opining about the good and bad of social media and phones- but I did have a MS counselor caution parents that the vast majority of social issues that come through her door are phone and social media related, so we're holding off for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a 6th grader. So some of the kids are almost 13 (early fall bdays). Some are starting to "Date." This appears to be very little more than public declarations on social media, on the playground, via text, etc. Some are starting to meet up at movies together. My DC is not necessarily there yet. Actually, the majority aren't. But there are a vocal few that are, and everyone knows it. Some are even starting to run each others' noses in it (e.g. A likes B, B knows it, B likes C, and B can't help but rub his "relationship" in A's face.) This is 6th grade. I know this mostly from checking my DC's phone (& seeing the posts), hearing the kids talk among themselves, and what DC tells me.

So, I'm curious what are your rules for 6th graders "dating"? What do you tell your kids who are "dating" or maybe your kids who aren't and "no one likes [me]"? I'm just trying to gauge if I'm on the right path with my messaging. I find this all a bit hyper emotional (them not me) given the prevalence of social media and texting that was NOT around when I was this age? And to the small number of parents who encourage dating at this age - they exist, and I'm not judging just trying to understand- why?
Thanks.

And no comments about the social media please. That is a different issue and one that is, at least in our school, moot. The VAST majority of the kids have a phone and are on SM. I check my DC's religiously and, while it may not be ideal, DC has so far shown restraint and good behavior on it. I'm just not interested in this devolving into a discussion about that topic.

You sound like a bit of a busy body. Are your kids in public or private? At that age we would say were dating which comprised of nothing but exchanging notes. Now kids we know that age at single sex schools saying they are dating boys means nothing except they may say hello to one another or text. It’s harmless. It really just means they arefriends that talk or text.

You sound like an ass. So I guess we're even. If you have nothing constructive to say, move along.

At my child's school it is more than what you describe. Which I found surprising. And is why I'm asking. So, take a hike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two of my kids started dating in 6th grade. Dating meant texting but never acknowledging each other in real life. Or playing video games together. Not even phone calls or FaceTimes. It’s cute. But meaningless. Nothing that made me think I needed to impose rules or have guidelines.

+1 This is my experience too. Mine are 19 and 14. Haven't found rules necessary in middle school as the "dating" is mostly hanging out at school and lots of texting.