After working 20 years became SAHM - how to protect self financially

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would wife need anything. My wife is a SAHM, she gets tons of credit car offers, can buy cars whatever. If we get divorced she gets half of everything and as long as married ten years or greater gets the SS even in divorce.

And the spouse owes you alimony anyhow and he had to pay kids college tuiton.

A post nup he may be the ones looking for protection.

And now that husband can focus more on work his salary may go up.

Think about this my wife does not work the majority of our marriage. If she kept working she walk away with NOTHING. We split it 50/50 and she put half in. She gets nothing from me.

My smart wife stopped working, she gets 1/2 of my money in a split up and I get none of her money. Good call.

This. I have full access to all money. I have some money in my name from before marriage and my husband puts money in my IRA every year. I have no reason to think he's screw me over. I have no issue getting a credit card, buying a car, etc. We have college accounts, one in each parent's name. If you have any suspicion of cheating or something else, don't quit but if you are married to a good man, it shouldn't be an issue.

[Anonymous]

How concerned are you about the state of your marriage? I had worked for 20 years and was married for about 17 years when I decided it was best to not work full time. I left a high paying job but my DH, who had a higher paying job, was very supportive of my move. A few years later we were doing estate planning and I realized that about 80% of our assets were in his name which made me nervous. I mentioned this to him and he said not to worry about it...but I did....and without telling me he simply started transferring assets into my name. Some assets he couldn’t transfer (e.g. 401k’s) but the ones he could he did. Within a year he had moved a lot of money into my name, far more than I might have even requested! When I asked why had he transferred so much he said “you’d get half if you dumped me and 100% if you killed me so why not get started on the process!” It does help that we have a very good relationship!

[Anonymous]

You are already protected by your legal marriage. What I don't understand is you thinking you need to protect yourself if you're not divorcing. And if you're not divorcing, doing what you're thinking of doing may just cause a divorce.

In our house, it's all ours. Money, debt, savings, investments. It's 50/50, good bad or ugly. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss your finances. I can't imagine how after 20 years and two kids he would even think about making you live in poverty or what has suddenly got you into this place.

Do NOT take advice from the women here. They mostly have selfish husbands so their thought process is always go for the jugular. Don't go behind your husband's back and do something you may end up regretting. THINK THIS THROUGH WITH HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How concerned are you about the state of your marriage? I had worked for 20 years and was married for about 17 years when I decided it was best to not work full time. I left a high paying job but my DH, who had a higher paying job, was very supportive of my move. A few years later we were doing estate planning and I realized that about 80% of our assets were in his name which made me nervous. I mentioned this to him and he said not to worry about it...but I did....and without telling me he simply started transferring assets into my name. Some assets he couldn’t transfer (e.g. 401k’s) but the ones he could he did. Within a year he had moved a lot of money into my name, far more than I might have even requested! When I asked why had he transferred so much he said “you’d get half if you dumped me and 100% if you killed me so why not get started on the process!” It does help that we have a very good relationship!

If you divorce him I want him as he sounds like someone who really listens! My DH would suspect something if I suggested transferring assets but on the other hand he never refers to what we have as his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with prior posters who say the biggest risk is your stepping out of the workforce as alimony wouldn't continue forever. Keeping a foot in the door may be the best option for you if you're really fearful about your future.
As a couple, I imagine you're going to need to address a range of financial concerns (adjusting life insurance, tax planning, disability insurance) that maybe it makes sense to have a meeting with a financial planner and you can raise the concerns around 'if something were to happen to DH or our marriage' what's the best route for ensuring well-being. They may discuss the postnup as an option or you can ask about it directly.

Also, I think should can have a forthright conversation with your husband that is about managing your own anxieties about quitting work--having been a financially independent person, how that affects your identity and marriage and for you to take on this new role these are the assurances you need. It really can change the power balance in a marriage and I think it's helpful to have things written out clearly. You can decide if you want to insist on a postnup as part of your willingness to take on the SAHM role. (If you're the one advocating for quitting to take care of the kids and your DH isn't all in for it, this may be more awkward, but conversation is always better than not).

my wife and I never talked about this stuff. Power balance ?? Thats easy. I earn all the money, she has all the power. Its a balance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are already protected by your legal marriage. What I don't understand is you thinking you need to protect yourself if you're not divorcing. And if you're not divorcing, doing what you're thinking of doing may just cause a divorce.

In our house, it's all ours. Money, debt, savings, investments. It's 50/50, good bad or ugly. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss your finances. I can't imagine how after 20 years and two kids he would even think about making you live in poverty or what has suddenly got you into this place.

Do NOT take advice from the women here. They mostly have selfish husbands so their thought process is always go for the jugular. Don't go behind your husband's back and do something you may end up regretting. THINK THIS THROUGH WITH HIM.

What I've seen most often with high income/no income divorce gone bad is that the higher earning spouse has money for a good attorney and a long legal fight. The spouse with no income has limited resources before the divorce judgment, has very limited money for legal costs and ends up not getting what they are entitled to on paper because they don't have enough resources for the legal battle. And it's made worse if the family is living in an expensive area and want to keep the kids in their schools. In those cases, the spouse with fewer financial resources may also lose custody time if they have to move to a cheaper area. Very few people go into marriage thinking a spouse would treat them terribly in a divorce, yet many people are treated terribly when they divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to realizing DC had developed anxiety, depression and noticing learning challenges for DC2 - point being, the situation is such that working just isn't an option now or in the next few years. Used to earn 150k range, DH has earned 250-300k range and we are in VA. Outside of a post-nup (can't imagine DH agreeing to it for even suggesting it for a host reasons), but are there other things I ought to be doing to protect myself financially?

Please no lectures about how "stupid it is to stay at home and not work." This was never what I'd imagined for myself, but sometimes life throws you curve balls and you do what you have to do. Thanks in advance!

Not sure I follow.

Presumably this is a joint decision and you have joint finances?

Everything your DH earns from now on, same as it already was, belongs to both of you equally.

You just need to be more mindful about budgets and saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to realizing DC had developed anxiety, depression and noticing learning challenges for DC2 - point being, the situation is such that working just isn't an option now or in the next few years. Used to earn 150k range, DH has earned 250-300k range and we are in VA. Outside of a post-nup (can't imagine DH agreeing to it for even suggesting it for a host reasons), but are there other things I ought to be doing to protect myself financially?

Please no lectures about how "stupid it is to stay at home and not work." This was never what I'd imagined for myself, but sometimes life throws you curve balls and you do what you have to do. Thanks in advance!

Not sure what you need "protecting" from. If you get divorced you get half.

[Anonymous]

You need a postnup and the fact that you think he would not consider one points to the problem here. The guy cannot tolerate a direct conversation about how doing this is going to make you vulnerable. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to realizing DC had developed anxiety, depression and noticing learning challenges for DC2 - point being, the situation is such that working just isn't an option now or in the next few years. Used to earn 150k range, DH has earned 250-300k range and we are in VA. Outside of a post-nup (can't imagine DH agreeing to it for even suggesting it for a host reasons), but are there other things I ought to be doing to protect myself financially?

Please no lectures about how "stupid it is to stay at home and not work." This was never what I'd imagined for myself, but sometimes life throws you curve balls and you do what you have to do. Thanks in advance!

Not sure what you need "protecting" from. If you get divorced you get half.

NP here and the risk for OP is that if she steps out of the workforce upon mutual agreement to benefit the family she may not be able to step back in after a few years at a comparable salary. Whether you think that risk is worth compensating for or not is up for debate but there is no doubt she's taking on risk if the marriage fails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a postnup and the fact that you think he would not consider one points to the problem here. The guy cannot tolerate a direct conversation about how doing this is going to make you vulnerable. That sucks.

WTF is a "postnup" after 20 years of marriage?

You sound paranoid. Are you married?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, Op, you and your husband should go to a financial planner and make sure that all of your ducks are in a row.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should talk about it with your husband. Both the more immediate concerns like how you will handle discretionary spending and the contingency stuff in case of divorce or death. You're not stopping work, you're both forgoing your earnings so you can work for the family at home. You deserve a conversation about how that could play out.

[Anonymous]

I would try to work enough to stay insured for Social Security disability benefits. If something serious happens to you, it will bring in some income and make you eligible for Medicare. https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10072.pdf is a good explanation.

You need to have earned at least 20 credits of coverage in the decade before the disability began (basically 5 of the last 10 years). So you'll be fine a while if you've been working full-time. Around year 3-4 of SAHMdom, look for some work where either you and your employer pay FICA taxes, or you're self employed and pay both halves of FICA.

It doesn't have to be a lot: this year, earning $1360 gets you one credit, so you've presumably gotten your maximum 4 credits for 2019. The amount of earnings per credit changes each year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to realizing DC had developed anxiety, depression and noticing learning challenges for DC2 - point being, the situation is such that working just isn't an option now or in the next few years. Used to earn 150k range, DH has earned 250-300k range and we are in VA. Outside of a post-nup (can't imagine DH agreeing to it for even suggesting it for a host reasons), but are there other things I ought to be doing to protect myself financially?

Please no lectures about how "stupid it is to stay at home and not work." This was never what I'd imagined for myself, but sometimes life throws you curve balls and you do what you have to do. Thanks in advance!

Not sure what you need "protecting" from. If you get divorced you get half.

NP here and the risk for OP is that if she steps out of the workforce upon mutual agreement to benefit the family she may not be able to step back in after a few years at a comparable salary. Whether you think that risk is worth compensating for or not is up for debate but there is no doubt she's taking on risk if the marriage fails.

She can't protect herself against losing her place in line. You either opt out or you don't