I’ve lost myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i posted in another thread, i've not only lost myself, i don't exist really. i get it. my one year old doesn't sleep, has never slept through the night, gets rocked to naps, and wants to always be moving or playing, i wear the same pants and shirt, i barely get through work, i dread the nights, i dread the exhaustion of the morning, i dread the day errands and being tired and looking like trash and feeling fat in my own body. so no advice, just letting you know i feel the same and i don't think it gets better (people said it would, but it's not true).

How would you know it doesn’t get better if your kid is only one year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i posted in another thread, i've not only lost myself, i don't exist really. i get it. my one year old doesn't sleep, has never slept through the night, gets rocked to naps, and wants to always be moving or playing, i wear the same pants and shirt, i barely get through work, i dread the nights, i dread the exhaustion of the morning, i dread the day errands and being tired and looking like trash and feeling fat in my own body. so no advice, just letting you know i feel the same and i don't think it gets better (people said it would, but it's not true).

How would you know it doesn’t get better if your kid is only one year old?

Because everyone said it would get better after “fourth” trimester ....after they start solids....after they start walking....after they can express themselves....guess what, it hasn’t so all those “it gets better” have been empty reassurances from people who have help or easy kids. i stand by what i said...how can it get better? it doesn’t, just harder.

[Anonymous]

You are the caregiver for two humans you have birthed. It is not a tiny life. It can be exhausting and seemingly never ending, but it will pass too. This is a stage and you need to change your attitude about it. Outsource as much as is possible and be kind to yourself and those around you. You will get back to your interesting life again, once the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

I totally remember those days. I had three kids in 3.5 years and really didn’t come up for air until the youngest was 5 and started kindergarten. Mine are now teenagers, and I am so glad I had them close together, despite those very hard early years. I really had to lower my expectations. For a while, my primary goal was to take a shower every day.

[Anonymous]

I had 2 under 2 and can completely relate. I remember someone asking me what I my hobbies were and giving them a blank stare because I couldn't even remember what kinds of things I liked to do. Things that helped me:
- finding a gym with childcare so I could get a little time for myself regularly with minimal planning and expense (compared to sitters)
- play dates with kids classmates --- you'll realize everyone is battling the same stuff and it makes it easier
- friends visiting me - ask your friends if they can come to you for coffee instead of you dragging two kids out for brunch. Or meet at a park. Have them meet you in the middle instead of trying to do what you did in your pre-kid life... it's just too stressful when kids are that young to drag them to restuarants

I will say it gets easier. Mine are 2.5 and 4 now and the kids are in such a dad phase that it's much easier for me to sneak away for a break. And they're more independent and everything is just so much easier than it was 2 years ago. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i posted in another thread, i've not only lost myself, i don't exist really. i get it. my one year old doesn't sleep, has never slept through the night, gets rocked to naps, and wants to always be moving or playing, i wear the same pants and shirt, i barely get through work, i dread the nights, i dread the exhaustion of the morning, i dread the day errands and being tired and looking like trash and feeling fat in my own body. so no advice, just letting you know i feel the same and i don't think it gets better (people said it would, but it's not true).

How would you know it doesn’t get better if your kid is only one year old?

Because everyone said it would get better after “fourth” trimester ....after they start solids....after they start walking....after they can express themselves....guess what, it hasn’t so all those “it gets better” have been empty reassurances from people who have help or easy kids. i stand by what i said...how can it get better? it doesn’t, just harder.

At risk of starting the CIO war here, once your kid is trained, you will be a new human being. You sound despondent, which Is how I was right before we got each kid sleeping well. I do agree on your "it gets better" assessment. I'm 6 years in to three kids and it's still hard, even though all three are sleeping well and easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a phase. But also try refocusing on what you are doing and why you are doing it. There are two tiny, helpless human beings you brought into the world and are raising up to be a part of something. There is great purpose in this, and it takes all a person has got in them to be the primary care giver. A primary care giver is not a shell of a person -- you are the most important person it the the universe to those two kids right now.

Embrace the stage of life you are in. It goes fast.

Totally this. And when they grow older you will probably miss their baby phases. Totally embrace the now cause it goes so fast.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is in charge during weekend mornings. You use that time to do physical therapy. This is important for your physical health. Each parent including you gets one weekday night off. Use that time to meet up with friends, do a hobby activity, exercise, hang out at Starbux, etc. Btw, your husband is other parent. He has to learn how to handle two kids by himself. That's never going to happen if you're always there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i posted in another thread, i've not only lost myself, i don't exist really. i get it. my one year old doesn't sleep, has never slept through the night, gets rocked to naps, and wants to always be moving or playing, i wear the same pants and shirt, i barely get through work, i dread the nights, i dread the exhaustion of the morning, i dread the day errands and being tired and looking like trash and feeling fat in my own body. so no advice, just letting you know i feel the same and i don't think it gets better (people said it would, but it's not true).

How would you know it doesn’t get better if your kid is only one year old?

Because everyone said it would get better after “fourth” trimester ....after they start solids....after they start walking....after they can express themselves....guess what, it hasn’t so all those “it gets better” have been empty reassurances from people who have help or easy kids. i stand by what i said...how can it get better? it doesn’t, just harder.

At risk of starting the CIO war here, once your kid is trained, you will be a new human being. You sound despondent, which Is how I was right before we got each kid sleeping well. I do agree on your "it gets better" assessment. I'm 6 years in to three kids and it's still hard, even though all three are sleeping well and easy.

NP with a never not difficult baby who felt just like you about the never ending "it would get better after..." advice. You need to get that child to sleep on their own. Once you can sleep, you will feel like a new person. My child is difficult, but I finally managed to workout again, shower regularly, I drink my cup of coffee in the morning while it's still hot, brush my teeth, etc. Sometimes, on really lucky days, these things happen without being noticed. Often times they happen while I'm being whined at, pinched, tugged on, bitten at the toes, etc. But they still happen, and I feel human. Get your child to sleep. And if after that your PPD doesn't clear up, get to therapy (and I say that kindly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t work and have a husband who can’t handle both kids on his own. Either he steps up so you get some time with friends, or you become a Sahm with very part time work and have playgroups and walks in the sunshine every afternoon.

I’m going to agree with this. Sorry. Mom can only do it all if she’s a sahm. Men with working wives have to do more.

[Anonymous]

First of all, it will get better. But that doesn’t mean you have to continue suffering to this extent during this difficult phase. Your husband needs to step up and handle more. Can you hire more help?

It’s really important you make time for exercise (even if gentle, like yoga) and PT. Having babies so closely spaced can really wreck your body, I wish there were more education about that. But PT can help a lot.

[Anonymous]

There is a life-lesson in this stage of life and it is an important lesson for the mother to learn. The lesson is one of humbleness. Life does not offer you as much control as you think you have. If you have a good sleeper, an easy baby, a healthy child, a brilliant child, a good eater...it is luck and not something you did. Yes, you have to have a plan and a vision for the future, but you also have to go with the flow. Be in the moment, enjoy your babies because it will go incredibly fast and it will never return again. Keep them well fed, clean and happy and reward yourself by immersing in their cuteness., their dependence on you, their baby smell, their littleness...and nothing much more then than. Eventually, this phase will pass and you will be left with a hole in your heart because they will stop needing you and become their own persons.

After taking care of your kids, you take care of yourself...chores need to be outsourced or done when you get around to it.

[Anonymous]

Another mom posted that her therapist suggested a solo trip to Paris to help her get her sense of self back. There's a thread in the travel forum, and another thread seeking tips as she plans her trip.

I think everyone deserves a break. So take one.

I say this as I'm sitting on the beach alone. I flew in for business on an early morning flight so I could spend a few hours sitting under an umbrella relaxing. It's magical.

[Anonymous]

Your DH can handle it, what absolute nonsense that he can't. For a couple of hours?! Is that him saying he can't handle it or you?

[Anonymous]

Finding a good book is a start. Even better would be a book club. I also recommend taking up meditation.