I’m mom and have a much more demanding job and much more highly paid than DH. Yes DH does more and we both expect him to. But I do stuff when I can or pick things I care about. I wouldn’t respect DH and he wouldn’t respect himself if he didn’t work / take his career seriously and I wouldn’t respect myself as a mom if I didn’t make time for my child. I get being practical but I don’t find your argument persuasive that “DH works hard”. So what. So do most people. Isn’t he senior enough to have some control ay this point in his career? Also, if it’s not worth the time of a working person, maybe it’s not worth anybody’s time, including SAMS or part timers. |
By all accounts, my husband does a lot more than the vast majority of dads in hetero relationships-- I would say especially when it comes to childcare (generally spending time with kid, walking her to school, etc.), and somewhat when it comes to being the "default parent" (knowing the important info, picking her up when the school calls because she's sick, stuff like that). I still do the vast majority of "default parent" arrangement things and 75% of the household stuff. To be fair, he works about twice as many hours as I do, but my hours are ramping up, so he knows he needs to step up. He has before, so I expect a minimum of heartburn. |
My husband does none of the things you describe. We both work full time out of the house. He always says he will help or take over something, but never does. Or if he does it’s twice the work for me because I have to set him up to do it. Even simple things like, can you drop of the daycare check when you drop off the kids this morning? Inevitably he forgets, then daycare doesn’t get paid then there’s a late fee...so then I have to text him to confirm he actually did this stupid simple task. If he didn’t, then I have to remember to retrieve the check from him and do it myself or just keep reminding him before I leave in the morning and texting to follow up...forget it, I’ll just do it myself. |
We both WOH, with one 3yo DD who is in daycare. DH takes care of all yard work (SFH with small yard). For anything else in the house or with regard to taking care of DD, he will do anything I ask him to do, but he rarely takes the initiative and does something without prompting. I got to the point where I always felt like I was nagging him to do stuff, so I just do it all myself now. I handle schedules, purchases, all things that need to be "remembered" for both his family and mine.
I handle 90% of daycare pickup/dropoff. He does a great job of engaging with DD in the early evenings to spend time with her. Weekends are hit or miss. Sometimes he's fully engaged with her; other times, not so much. |
I do: scheduling doctor/dentist appointments, planning birthday parties, buying gifts, buying clothes, planning summer camps, scheduling activities, laundry, managing day-to-day finances
My husband does: primary dog care, trash/recycling, big-picture/long-term finances, outside maintenance, all things structural/electrical, bug killing We both do: attending doctor/dentist appointments, attending parties/recitals/performances/competitions, bathing/feeding kids, cooking/cleaning the kitchen We have a full-time nanny who runs errands, including grocery shopping, while the kids are in school, helps with food prep, does the kids' laundry, and does the majority of dropping off/picking up. We also have a maid who cleans. We both work full-time jobs, and it's a toss up as to whose job is more demanding at any particular point in time. We both make approximately the same. He travels more than I do and will often be on base or at a secure location with no phone, so because of this it's easier for me to do things that require being on the computer, including emails. I also like that stuff - I enjoy planning birthday parties and working on the summer calendar and searching for clothes, and he doesn't. So we try to split our separate duties along the lines of who does what better or who enjoys something better. The other stuff just gets divvied up. He could probably name as many kids in our kids' classes as I could, although I know the parents' names more from being a room mom. He's been to every back to school night, every parent/teacher conference, etc., so he knows a lot about their school. We've probably been to equal doctor's appointments, either together or separately. I love our dogs but he deals with them more. We each generally handle our own cars because it's just easier that way. I do think our roles are somewhat gender-typical, but that's not because we do the stuff we *think* we should, we just do the stuff we like or don't mind. I'm also super anal retentive about laundry and how things are folded, so I handle that. I do take the kids for more weekends away than he does but he does do it as well. He also takes care of them on his own if I'm gone for work or pleasure. As far as the kids are concerned, I think we're basically interchangeable, in that there's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. There are things one of us likes to do more than the other, but we can both do everything, which I appreciate. |
My DH has done very, very little other than direct childcare for 7 years. Will randomly buy shoes or clothes, but not in any complete way (ie, check what still fits, change of season, what needs to be bought to have a full wardrobe, get rid of the outgrown stuff ... ) As the kid gets older, he's taken a slightly more active role in scheduling activities and playdates. But everything else is ALL on me (that includes managing finances, household help, and the house). Basically DH will do the random thing he gets it into his head to do, and he'll show up where I tell him to, and he'll spend time with the kid (when he actually decides to be at home and not at the office). |
You should know this. My husband constantly thanks me for the things I do that keep the house running, like managing the Amazon orders for things like dog food, putting paper towels and toilet paper on the grocery list, making sure the kids have the right clothes or shoes or equipment when they need it. We both work, but I'm better at managing details like those than he is. I thank him for the things he handles as well, of course, but I think it's sad that you only think your husband appreciates and realizes all that you do. |
This is us, only with a 2.5YO and 4YO who are at an in-home daycare and PT school. I am the default parent and do probably 90% of the kid and home stuff. This is pretty much my choice but I'm actively trying to get better by voicing to him exactly what I need. My DH is a wonderful man but he just doesn't "get it" - he honestly won't notice we're running low on diapers or paper towels, or notice there are dishes in the sink or the trash is overflowing. He will do anything I specifically ask him to, but I need to make it a point to ask. Even then sometimes it's hit or miss if he does it within a reasonable time! He does interact with the kids a lot, and even that is getting better now that they're getting older. We really struggled when they were little. I do all communicating with the daycare/teachers, all shopping, all doctor appts, all childcare arrangements (babysitters, back-up for daycare closings), 90% of cleaning/laundry, planning kid stuff - planning parties, weekend activities, play dates, buying bday gifts, all holiday things (Easter/Christmas/Halloween wouldn't happen without me). DH has never taken both kids anywhere by himself. DH does handle all finances, 90% of car stuff, lawn care, home repairs, and likely some other things I'm forgetting. DH simply doesn't do a lot because he assumes I will do it, as I always have. I grew up in a very gender-specific household - both my parents worked but my mom cooked/cleaned/did all the "housewife" stuff while my dad did all of the outside stuff (we lived on a farm). I envision being this perfect wife/mother like my mom was and I just can not do it - but she also only had 1 child and my parents didn't have 3 hour commutes every day or take me to a ton of structured activities or sports. I need to ask him more for help. |
I do the invisible stuff you mention in the OP.
If I let DH buy bday gifts, he’d be totally fine giving the kid an IOU. He does take care of our bills/ finances, usually does dishes (and I usually do laundry), and we have a lawn service but he does other outdoor stuff and trash etc. |
This is a really good example of the woman doing *significantly* more and more time-consuming stuff than the man but considering it "essentially even" and/or not minding because "I like to do those things [I was socialized to do] anyway." I'm not really knocking that, by the way-- it's really common and totally understandable and not necessarily immediately or completely solvable. But also worth examining. It reminds me of a nonfiction book where an uber-feminist polled her uber-feminist friends with ostensibly uber-feminist husbands and found that they would say things like "I take care of the house, and he takes care of the garage/yard, so it's basically even." When maintaining "the house" included tasks and responsibilities that took 10x the effort of maintaining "the outside." |
My H does all the kids laundry, all their sports planning and sign up, all their clothes shopping and sports equipment shopping.
He does all the purchasing of anything for school that is needed at the last minute. He did 3/4 of the doctor's appointments. |
I'm the PP you quoted, and I think the bolded statement is the issue DH and I have. I did not grow up in a gender-specific household, but my DH did, even though we both come from families with 2 full-time WOH parents in very blue-collar regions. To this day, FIL quite literally will not lift a finger to do a thing around the house to help out my MIL, despite her many health issues...or if he does, he makes sure everyone is aware of it. DH never really had a model of how 2 parents can both participate in life around the house, so I don't think it dawns on him just how many tasks there are, beyond cleaning up and doing laundry. |
DH here. I generally don’t do/haven’t done the things you mention but not because I’m unwilling. I’d be happy to, but I don’t because I don’t have DW’s schedule. Since these events tend to occur on her watch, I have her schedule a time that is convenient for her. You don’t know how many times I’ve scheduled something only to find DW is already committed at that time. |
I had the same issue with DH. Everything was outsourced or done by magical fairies. He did not understand how to run a household at all, even one without kids. I came from an egalitarian household. We now split things 50/50. At the very first he was resistant or 'forgetful' but I pointed out that being a team was a condition agreed upon before marriage and that if I died, he needed to know how to do everything. Even before I nearly died (an infection while traveling) he stepped it up and we are quite equal and happy with it. We rotate every once in a while just to keep it fresh and so nobody gets burnt out on a particular job. Bonus-when ILs try to play the gender game he leaves the table to assist whoever with prep or clean-up, etc. |
I'm sorry, WHAT? Your husband is either (1) pretending not to notice or (2) nope, there's only option 1. How does someone miss that there are dishes piled up in the sink or the trash can is overflowing? Unless your definitions are dramatic, and you mean there is one fork in sink and the trash is full but the lid still fully closes. Assuming you mean that things are clearly needing to be addressed ASAP, he's being an ass for not helping with that stuff. If he truly doesn't *see* it (eye roll), then have him set an alarm on his phone and every night at 7:30 pm he checks the sink and the trash to see if they need to be done. Don't let him be a man baby. |