When your kids' friend's mom is a user

[Anonymous]

I would say, hi, I have been doing a lot of the transportation including drop off. It would be a huge help if you could pick up both girls. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say, hi, I have been doing a lot of the transportation including drop off. It would be a huge help if you could pick up both girls. Thanks.

Exactly my thoughts. “I’ve been nearly all of the driving lately. How about you take this one?” She’ll likely refuse . . . but I bet she’ll also stop asking you once she sees you’re on to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, hi, I have been doing a lot of the transportation including drop off. It would be a huge help if you could pick up both girls. Thanks.

Exactly my thoughts. “I’ve been nearly all of the driving lately. How about you take this one?” She’ll likely refuse . . . but I bet she’ll also stop asking you once she sees you’re on to her.

This. Head her off - ask her to pick up/drop off at a mutual activity. She’ll find someone else to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it?

Other mom is constantly asking me to have her kid over, drive her kid places, pick up her kid with mine. I don't micromanage my kids social life so usually deflect and say kids can figure out visiting plans, but the driving is trickier.

Kids are 12 and friend is an only child with some attitude issues that don't mesh with our family. Mom never says thank you. Sometimes my kid enjoys this friend but often wants distance.

Example: friend came over afterschool. Mom asked me to bring friend to her dance class. No thank you when I obliged.

Example: both kids are at a sleepover 30 minutes away. Mom asks me to pick up her daughter when I pick up mine. House is far away, friend in question lives fairly close to us. I would rather not deal with her kid. Mom has no circumstances other than laziness and generally seems to ignore her kid. Never any reciprocity. I don't particularly want to. Do I just say no? I feel bad for the kid sometimes.

I have no doubt this kid has attitude issues, look at her mother!
Kids emulate what they see at home, so if her mother is an ungrateful bitch, guess what happens?

Also, if you think it's hard for YOU to deal with this nightmare of a mother, how hard do you think it is for that poor kid?

You & your kid may be her only respite. Is the dad in the picture?

I don't know, I feel badly for this kid.
As an only child you're probably her saving grace & you breaking the relationship off would only make her suffer more, not the mom. Her mom is clearly toxic for her to be around at this young age, BUT...

You cannot let this other mom walk all over you like this.

Bad manners is my biggest pet peeve - this isn't even no reciprocity, this is no respect! She clearly doesn't appreciate the things you do for her... how hard is it to text a thank you??

I agree with the pp who said don't respond so quickly to her texts or maybe not at all. Can you be frank with her?

Talk this over with your kid - 12 is old enough & mature enough for her to understand that not all mom's are created equal & they certainly aren't as great as her mom is. Explain to her that this is possibily why the behavior issues exist & see where she wants to go with it. Kids can surprise you with how empathetic they can be.

My son had a best friend in elementary school with an absentee mother & dad worked in another state 5 hours away.
The mom was ALL about her social life & very into herself (former pageant queen), she was self centered, selfish & treated the kid like a second hand citizen. This kid was such a sweetheart & so lovely, so I would take him everywhere we went with us. It didn't matter if it was something that we were doing as a 'family only' thing, he came. We brought him to the movies, sporting events, non-drop off events at their school, for ice cream, etc. I just always felt badly that he was missing out on these kinds of things because his mother was so selfish.

For the first few years he was so appreciative & we were happy to see him enjoying himself & loved having him with us.
As they got older, he began to see his mother for who she really was, which understandably made him angry & bitter. However, it wasn't just his mother he was angry with, he also became jealous of my son because he envied that my son had the family life that he didn't have (which is so understandable). So even though we enmeshed him with our family, WE weren't his family. I imagine life has to feel really unfair at that point.

This caused major friction with the boys & my son had no clue why, all of a sudden, his friend seemed to be angry with him all the time. He would make snide comments about my son being spoiled (he meant unappreciative of what he had as a family) & then even made snide comments against me (I was told that stems from his anger towards his mother). My son obviously would defend us when he would say these things & of course, this made their friendship suffer & eventually end. My son was both baffled & hurt, but what could he do? He moved on.

The beginning of this school year the friend has started coming around again & I think he realized that he was misdirecting his anger at us, because he seems almost sheepishly shy & embarrassed by the way he treated my son. The relationship isn't the same, but my son is always there for him when he needs to talk/vent (and he does that quite a bit).

So going back to this girl... I know it's hard dealing with the mom, but how hard do you think it is to deal with being her kid?

* story this turned out so long!

[Anonymous]

I would decide on a case-by-case basis. Yes to your example, because it makes sense. No to other things that might be more inconvenient.

And yes, I would feel bad for the child. Sometimes charity is not sending credit card info to a far-off organization, it's helping vulnerable humans whom you know right in your own community.

[Anonymous]

It may seem hard to say no to some requests like picking up from the sleep over but it’s really not. I had got stuck in a cycle of doing pick ups / drops offs all the time with a mom who lived near us and finally I had enough and just said “ sorry won’t be able to bring her home” after a party both our DDs were at. I even saw the mom when I went to pick up so clearly she didn’t really need me to pick her kid up and she didn’t say anything and I didn’t offer any explanation. After that, I realized it really was ok to just say no and I have done so fairly regularly.

[Anonymous]

I thought you meant the mom was a drug user. Whoops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would decide on a case-by-case basis. Yes to your example, because it makes sense. No to other things that might be more inconvenient.

And yes, I would feel bad for the child. Sometimes charity is not sending credit card info to a far-off organization, it's helping vulnerable humans whom you know right in your own community.

Same here. If something was on my way or otherwise really convenient, sure. If not, I'd say no. And I'd ask her to reciprocate sometimes--not in a general way, but in specific instances. "I'm happy to drive the girls there if you can pick them up." Do what you can do without being resentful, and don't feel bad about saying no for things that are obviously not emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought you meant drug user. Yikes. Had a totally different answer.

This!

OP, why can't you ask the other mom to give your kid a ride? Turn the tables on her.

omg, I did too. In fact, I thought it all the way until I saw PP's post.

OP - agree w/ getting backbone. sorry!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mind bringing the kid home from a sleepover. I have to pick my kid up anyway and if the kid lives close by, I probably wouldn't mind that. No way I would give the kid a ride to a dance class I have no involvement with though.

"Can you give Larla a ride to dance today? I am swamped."
"No, that doesn't work for our schedule today. Feel free to text when you head to our place for pick up so I can tell her to get ready."