Left out of playdates - help me understand

[Anonymous]

The reason is obvious: The parents want to speak in their own language and encourage the children to do so as well.

I bet they like you and your daughter, but there are nice kids everywhere. It’s much harder to find friends who your children can practice their native language with.

Point being, get over it. They’re not going to invite you for anything other than a birthday party. Try to find other friends for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dh is right. Invite them when you can and hope it’s reciprocated. It’s normal to feel bad about your first kid missing out and hopefully this can be a lesson in learning not to take things so personally in regards to your dd. I know it might be hard to control a natural emotion but the sooner you start developing coping strategies to get your mind off non-intended slights the better. I’m also more sensitive about my kids than myself, it hurts but there are ways to take your mind off and think logically.

I want to add that iff you saw them post about a fun trip together at a pumpkin patch instead of feeling bad do something else enriching with dd so you don’t feel like she is missing out and invite another friend or the same kids. Create your own fun.

[Anonymous]

This isn't like being left out of a birthday party. You don't "leave someone out" when you invite one other child to a playdate. The vast majority of play dates are 1-on-1. Invite them both -- or either one of them -- on a play date or two and they may reciprocate... or not. Especially with Wendy, it doesn't sound like you've ever invited her to a play date? Yet you're offended that she hasn't invited you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason is obvious: The parents want to speak in their own language and encourage the children to do so as well.

I bet they like you and your daughter, but there are nice kids everywhere. It’s much harder to find friends who your children can practice their native language with.

Point being, get over it. They’re not going to invite you for anything other than a birthday party. Try to find other friends for your daughter.

This is kind of extreme--it's not all or nothing. Just because the moms have probably bonded over their shared cultural background, don't assume they want nothing to do with OP. It sounds like all of the kids are still friends, so I think it's great to try to organize occasional play dates.

[Anonymous]

So, you had a couple of play dates, and now feel some kind of ownership over Daniel?

the parents want to speak the language, and discuss common cultural things. They may have actually discovered they know mutual folks though their community. It’s not like these are the only 2 people in your kid’s class. If it’s that important for you to maintain relationships, invite THEM over (whether it is Wendy and/or Daniel).

I see nothing wrong with them all playing well at school and not being “playdayes”. At this age, it’s still much about the parents and less about the kids.

So it’s not that they don’t “like” you. Three apparently share a very important cultural background.

[Anonymous]

Just invite them over, life is not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Playdates are not for the kids, but for the parents. They don't like you or they have more in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our preschool, my daughter is in some kind of clique with 2 other kids, Daniel and Wendy. They are all 3 year olds. Before Wendy started at school, she and Daniel are really close and we had a couple of playdates. Wendy started later and turns out, Wendy and Daniel parents are from the same country and they speak a common language. In any case, the 3 kids play really well at school. I learned from social media (I am friends with them) that Daniel and Wendy have lots of playdates together but my daughter was not invited. I am feeling sad because DD would have love to play with them as well. DH thinks that it's not because they don't like DD or me, but because they the parents, just bonded, and they probably have conversations and just plan a play date without even thinking of us.

I know it's a big deal but as a FTM, I just want to understand how to navigate these playdates stuff. I thought that if the kids like each other, we would do playdates together.

It is not that they don't like you, but they are now "family friends". As PPs said, they are bonding over their mutual background, maybe mutual friends or even family members. They have a completely different relationship that is about the parents that you are not a part of. That being said - you need to invite them over if you want to have playdates.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for everyone’s input. With Daniel, the few play dates we had in the past were initiated by me. She never reciprocated. I’m not feeling ownership to the child but just wish we can all play together? One poster was spot on about the parents speaking to the kids in their native language. I will initiate something with all of us. I did comment in the FB post that whatever they are doing looks fun and DD would love to join next time. Not sure if it’s ok to say something like that.

Another question I have is: a few posters said invite other kids to play dates. So DD is only close to these two kids but not others and I do like a few parents there as well. Do you initiate play dates based on who your kids play with or which moms you like ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for everyone’s input. With Daniel, the few play dates we had in the past were initiated by me. She never reciprocated. I’m not feeling ownership to the child but just wish we can all play together? One poster was spot on about the parents speaking to the kids in their native language. I will initiate something with all of us. I did comment in the FB post that whatever they are doing looks fun and DD would love to join next time. Not sure if it’s ok to say something like that.

Another question I have is: a few posters said invite other kids to play dates. So DD is only close to these two kids but not others and I do like a few parents there as well. Do you initiate play dates based on who your kids play with or which moms you like ?

At 3 I only do play dates with kids whose parents I can tolerate hanging out with for a couple hours. But my current 3 year old seems to have no particular preference for one child over another, they are all his “friends.” My oldest had a preference early on for one little girl, thankfully, I was already friends with those parents from before we had kids since we work together and our kids attended the same daycare since it was in our office building.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for everyone’s input. With Daniel, the few play dates we had in the past were initiated by me. She never reciprocated. I’m not feeling ownership to the child but just wish we can all play together? One poster was spot on about the parents speaking to the kids in their native language. I will initiate something with all of us. I did comment in the FB post that whatever they are doing looks fun and DD would love to join next time. Not sure if it’s ok to say something like that.

Another question I have is: a few posters said invite other kids to play dates. So DD is only close to these two kids but not others and I do like a few parents there as well. Do you initiate play dates based on who your kids play with or which moms you like ?

It's generally considered pushy to try to invite yourself along. Personally, I don't love playdates with more than one other kid--the dynamics get more complicated. If you want to have playdates, invite someone to have a playdate. Invite both kids to a playdate, if you want. But don't expect to be included on every playdate or outing. You don't have to invite everyone you know to everything. It's not excluding your kid to have a playdate with another kid. And frankly, these are really family get-togethers, and the families are getting together because they are happy to have someone who speaks their language and can reinforce their efforts to make sure their kid learns their language.

I invite parents I like, but I also tried to invite kids my kids played with. As long as the kids behaved reasonably well and I had a nice conversation with the other parent, fine. But I don't want to sit and make small talk with someone I don't like for two hours just because my three-year-old like their three-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our preschool, my daughter is in some kind of clique with 2 other kids, Daniel and Wendy. They are all 3 year olds. Before Wendy started at school, she and Daniel are really close and we had a couple of playdates. Wendy started later and turns out, Wendy and Daniel parents are from the same country and they speak a common language. In any case, the 3 kids play really well at school. I learned from social media (I am friends with them) that Daniel and Wendy have lots of playdates together but my daughter was not invited. I am feeling sad because DD would have love to play with them as well. DH thinks that it's not because they don't like DD or me, but because they the parents, just bonded, and they probably have conversations and just plan a play date without even thinking of us.

I know it's a big deal but as a FTM, I just want to understand how to navigate these playdates stuff. I thought that if the kids like each other, we would do playdates together.

Try to to take it personally, and it's completely not about your daughter. The parents clicked and formed a friendship based on common backgrounds. If I were you I would invite them, either 1-1 or everyone to your home for a playdate.

[Anonymous]

This is completely normal. You know how people complain that when they move here they have a hard time making friends? Imagine finding a family from your own country that you get along with and they have the kid the same age as yours! This is truly not about you or your kid. I am am immigrant, so heck I know. How to invite you and then speak their own language? Think of it as if you had your sister over for a play date with her kid... do you invite some kid from child care? No. I am very happy those two families found each other. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from inviting them over to your place, nothing at all! So do it. I was in many such situations, and nothing stopped me from having ton of "playdates" with people from my country and invite all the other kids my kids got along with. How often do you invite them or other kids? I assume you do?

[Anonymous]

You say Daniel's parents never reciprocated? Do you know if they invited any other kids(not from their country) over for play dates? If not, might be that they don't have the culture of playdates?

[Anonymous]

Sorry to break it to you but you are never getting invited to their playdates. It can be really hard to have your children continue to speak their home language once they start preschool or elementary school in English. They want to speak their home language and encourage their children to speak their home language, not English. Find someone else at the preschool to meet up for possible play dates.