Does your job require spport of your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job "requires" support, OP. As you pointed out they would have an option of a FT nanny, which many families CHOOSE to do.

DH & I support each other in our careers. He's in a field he loves, spent years of $ & schooling to get into, and has high reward. I SAH. We're happy this way. I don't see it as "opportunity costs of [my] SAH status" to his salary.

I guess I'm confused why you posted the question? Is your friend bothered by this?

Not the OP, but I do think in SOME families, and certainly not all, the wife or husband feels they have to stay home because the other works such long hours. I actually know quite a feel people like this. My cousin loved her job and loved working, but her husband is in the military and in the five years since she has been a mom, has been overseas for several months at a time. Plus they move every four years, so for her, she really is sacrificing a career to support her spouse. My MIL did the same thing for my FIL, until he retired from the military when the kids were 10 and 7 and she began working full time.

My mom also felt like she had to stop working because my dad traveled a lot, worked insane hours, and made a lot of money so they didn't need her income. She enjoyed staying home though.

It is hard for both parents to work when one has a high demand job. The only reason I'm a happy WM is because my husband has such flexibility. If I couldn't depend on him the brunt of everything would be on me, and that would be really hard. As it is, everything is 50/50. I have a co-worker who is much higher up than me and as a VP, works long hours. In exchange, her husband is essentially a SAHD (he does work some but definitely not full time). She had the higher earning potential so this is what they chose for now.

If you are happy SAH and not doing it just to support your husband's job, that's great. I don't think OP meant ALL SAHMs were doing this. Clearly your situation does not apply to OP's inquiry, but like I said, for some families this is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job "requires" support, OP. As you pointed out they would have an option of a FT nanny, which many families CHOOSE to do.

DH & I support each other in our careers. He's in a field he loves, spent years of $ & schooling to get into, and has high reward. I SAH. We're happy this way. I don't see it as "opportunity costs of [my] SAH status" to his salary.

I guess I'm confused why you posted the question? Is your friend bothered by this?

Not the OP, but I do think in SOME families, and certainly not all, the wife or husband feels they have to stay home because the other works such long hours. I actually know quite a feel people like this. My cousin loved her job and loved working, but her husband is in the military and in the five years since she has been a mom, has been overseas for several months at a time. Plus they move every four years, so for her, she really is sacrificing a career to support her spouse. My MIL did the same thing for my FIL, until he retired from the military when the kids were 10 and 7 and she began working full time.

My mom also felt like she had to stop working because my dad traveled a lot, worked insane hours, and made a lot of money so they didn't need her income. She enjoyed staying home though.

It is hard for both parents to work when one has a high demand job. The only reason I'm a happy WM is because my husband has such flexibility. If I couldn't depend on him the brunt of everything would be on me, and that would be really hard. As it is, everything is 50/50. I have a co-worker who is much higher up than me and as a VP, works long hours. In exchange, her husband is essentially a SAHD (he does work some but definitely not full time). She had the higher earning potential so this is what they chose for now.

If you are happy SAH and not doing it just to support your husband's job, that's great. I don't think OP meant ALL SAHMs were doing this. Clearly your situation does not apply to OP's inquiry, but like I said, for some families this is not the case.

So what would happen if the mother (assuming it's usually mom) passed away? DH changes job? Just sayin' it is possible to work in demanding jobs and not have a SAH- but usually comes with extreme choices (FT live in nanny? Not entirely uncommon here.) Are they the choices I would make? No, hence I SAH. But some families do and can make the choice. OP even pointed out that with some extreme choices a family can have 2 working parents if they choose to w/ many hours, travel, etc.

And yes, my situation DOES apply. DH's work can easily add up to 85+ hrs/week, unexpected call ins, last minute evening work, etc. WE choose that it was not acceptable for our family for us both to work given his schedule, but it doesn't mean he's not working with men & women in the same job who are in households w/ 2 working parents.

Honestly not trying to argue - I don't even see an argument?! I was more curious about why OP is asking, I guess?!

[Anonymous]

I certainly wasn't trying to argue - just trying to clarify that I didn't see the thread as an attack on any families, just an observation, which I have definitely observed.

I think it is something that should be discussed as it is very real for some families, and I know some who feel frustrated by it. Of course two people can work if one or both have demanding jobs - no one is saying is that is not possible, just that some families choose to have one parent stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think it is something that should be discussed as it is very real for some families, and I know some who feel frustrated by it. Of course two people can work if one or both have demanding jobs - no one is saying is that is not possible, just that some families choose to have one parent stay home.

I think many families find other choices very difficult.
And there is still some societal pressure.
Not fun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a demanding job and I have to "do it all". I'm a rare breed who works because I like my job, not for the money. I just work a reduced schedule and am out of the office by 3:30 each day and have a day off during the week. My last 2 jobs were like this. I am direct in the interview process that I need a flexible schedule. I still pull in a 6 figure salary (barely) and could easily work a full schedule if something happened to my husband.

None of this is amazing, novel, or shocking. Single parents live this every day. They have no one-at all. If something happened to the OPs friend's husband the mom would be in for quite a rude awakening.

IMHO you are a rare breed not because you like your job more than being with your child, but because you are honest about it. I admire your honesty. I always wonder why more of us aren't honest about that.

Do you get to go with your kids to school? What else am I going to do all day when my kids are in class? Scrub the toilets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job "requires" support, OP. As you pointed out they would have an option of a FT nanny, which many families CHOOSE to do.

DH & I support each other in our careers. He's in a field he loves, spent years of $ & schooling to get into, and has high reward. I SAH. We're happy this way. I don't see it as "opportunity costs of [my] SAH status" to his salary.

I guess I'm confused why you posted the question? Is your friend bothered by this?

Not the OP, but I do think in SOME families, and certainly not all, the wife or husband feels they have to stay home because the other works such long hours. I actually know quite a feel people like this. My cousin loved her job and loved working, but her husband is in the military and in the five years since she has been a mom, has been overseas for several months at a time. Plus they move every four years, so for her, she really is sacrificing a career to support her spouse. My MIL did the same thing for my FIL, until he retired from the military when the kids were 10 and 7 and she began working full time.

My mom also felt like she had to stop working because my dad traveled a lot, worked insane hours, and made a lot of money so they didn't need her income. She enjoyed staying home though.

It is hard for both parents to work when one has a high demand job. The only reason I'm a happy WM is because my husband has such flexibility. If I couldn't depend on him the brunt of everything would be on me, and that would be really hard. As it is, everything is 50/50. I have a co-worker who is much higher up than me and as a VP, works long hours. In exchange, her husband is essentially a SAHD (he does work some but definitely not full time). She had the higher earning potential so this is what they chose for now.

If you are happy SAH and not doing it just to support your husband's job, that's great. I don't think OP meant ALL SAHMs were doing this. Clearly your situation does not apply to OP's inquiry, but like I said, for some families this is not the case.

So what would happen if the mother (assuming it's usually mom) passed away? DH changes job? Just sayin' it is possible to work in demanding jobs and not have a SAH- but usually comes with extreme choices (FT live in nanny? Not entirely uncommon here.) Are they the choices I would make? No, hence I SAH. But some families do and can make the choice. OP even pointed out that with some extreme choices a family can have 2 working parents if they choose to w/ many hours, travel, etc.

And yes, my situation DOES apply. DH's work can easily add up to 85+ hrs/week, unexpected call ins, last minute evening work, etc. WE choose that it was not acceptable for our family for us both to work given his schedule, but it doesn't mean he's not working with men & women in the same job who are in households w/ 2 working parents.

Honestly not trying to argue - I don't even see an argument?! I was more curious about why OP is asking, I guess?!

Yes, if I died my DH would either have to change jobs or get a new wife. Or live in help. Someone has to be at home with the sleeping children while he is working the midnight shift. Or take care of the kids while he is on a 3 week trip 10 times a year. I know very very few people who have 2 working parents with his job. All of them are part time or have the ability to work from home/make their own schedule. I chose to be a teacher so I don't really have that luxury. Working as a part time teacher doesn't even pay for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
IMHO you are a rare breed not because you like your job more than being with your child, but because you are honest about it. I admire your honesty. I always wonder why more of us aren't honest about that.

What a totally obnoxious thing to say! All because some of us working moms ALSO like our jobs does NOT mean we like our jobs "more than being with" our children. It means we want BALANCE. I LOVE spending time with my children. I enjoy working. I try to balance them both in a way where everybody feels fulfilled and gratified.

You took a nice, thoughtful post and put your own spin on it to make it seem like working moms don't like spending time with their children. These holier-than-thou posts are just plain annoying. I hope you don't have any daughters, who - heavens forbid - want to have a career and a family.

[Anonymous]

Many of my law partners have SAHM wives because they travel a lot and work very long hours (I'm part-time, so I don't). They earn a LOT of money, so it makes sense to have one spouse at home. Works for them. Wouldn't work for us -- we both work sane hours and have a balanced life, but hey, everyone makes the decision that works best for them.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused by the purpose of the post. Why can't the mom work a reasonable 9-5 if she chose to? Single parents do it all the time. OP, are you just upset your friend gave up a high-demand career?

Kudos for her to SAH (or not) but I'm missing the point. The family chose what works best for them. All families do.

[Anonymous]

When I opened this up, I thought it would be about those companies that have cocktail parties and retreats where spouses are supposed to show up and look all pretty/handsome and supportive, and people need to look like happy family men/women to get anywhere.

Outside of the military and foreign service, there are no jobs that "require" the spouse to quit. Only jobs that might shift the balance of the cost-benefit analysis toward a spouse quitting. My husband could go get a job that required 80 hours per week but that would not mean that I had to stay home-- nor would I, even if his salary went up substantially.

I work because I want to and love to as well. Not because I don't like being a parent or being with a child, but because you can do both. This is not rare. Just about every woman I know, and many of the men, work because they like what they do. My next door neighbors are in their 70s and both still work even though their mortgage is paid and their kid is long-since out of the house, because they love their work (academic and researcher).

Remember, too, that children aren't infants and toddlers forever. They eventually go to school and are away 7 hours per day. Then they get to middle school and want to be in soccer practice, not with you. When you talk about parenting, you're talking about a fluid and ever-changing state.

Nothing is absolute. Nothing is for everyone. There are so many variables, and different people weigh them differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by the purpose of the post. Why can't the mom work a reasonable 9-5 if she chose to? Single parents do it all the time. OP, are you just upset your friend gave up a high-demand career?

Kudos for her to SAH (or not) but I'm missing the point. The family chose what works best for them. All families do.

I'm also confused by the point of it. I mean, certainly this happens all the time - like you said, people choose what works best for them (when and if they have the choice).

But, I must say, I have a reasonable 9-5 job and if my husband had long hours and no flexiblity, heavy travel, my life would be so much more difficult, and even though I love my job, if we could afford it I would feel I had to quit. Because of his flexibility and very short commute, he can leave later than me in the morning and get home earlier at night. That means he does pick and drop off at daycare and that makes my life easier.

He also does the bulk of the cooking, and he handles sick days most of the time. I have a longer commute so if I had to keep my child in daycare an extra hour or so per day, honestly it would bother me a lot and I'm not sure I could justify keeping my job if we could afford it.

While I can totally and completely understand why the wife (usually the wife but of course husbands do it too) would feel like quitting her job is best for the family, and I don't judge other families for their decisions, I do think that you have to face a reality, and that the wife's pension plan, her checking account, and the future people that interview her should she go back to work down the road will not care if she stepped aside to support her husband. If it were me, I would need to have a serious talk with my husband and make sure he understands the vulnerable position I am putting myself in to support his career. Not saying I'm the only one who thought of this and I'm sure wives do this, but I do think it can be overlooked. My mom unfortanately has many friends going through this right now - the kids got raised, the husband left, and the wife needs to work - yet gets none of the assets of her husband's great career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I opened this up, I thought it would be about those companies that have cocktail parties and retreats where spouses are supposed to show up and look all pretty/handsome and supportive, and people need to look like happy family men/women to get anywhere.

Outside of the military and foreign service, there are no jobs that "require" the spouse to quit. Only jobs that might shift the balance of the cost-benefit analysis toward a spouse quitting. My husband could go get a job that required 80 hours per week but that would not mean that I had to stay home-- nor would I, even if his salary went up substantially.

I work because I want to and love to as well. Not because I don't like being a parent or being with a child, but because you can do both. This is not rare. Just about every woman I know, and many of the men, work because they like what they do. My next door neighbors are in their 70s and both still work even though their mortgage is paid and their kid is long-since out of the house, because they love their work (academic and researcher).

Remember, too, that children aren't infants and toddlers forever. They eventually go to school and are away 7 hours per day. Then they get to middle school and want to be in soccer practice, not with you. When you talk about parenting, you're talking about a fluid and ever-changing state.

Nothing is absolute. Nothing is for everyone. There are so many variables, and different people weigh them differently.

I just posted - thanks for the clarification. I definitely think there are jobs out there like the one you listed in terms of literally having the spouse "support" the other - but I think the more common issue is the one that I and most other posters discussed - the issue of long hours of one parent limiting the other parent's ability to work.

Either way, it is an interesting topic and has real repurcussions for work policies in this country, for men and women.

[Anonymous]

This is an example of how some things, such as housework, are not seen as real work but they have to be done so that the paid work gets accomplished.

Don't know if it's been mentioned but I've heard of research showing that men with SAH wives make more than men with wives who work outside their homes.

Couldn't we all be at our best at the office if there was someone washing and ironing our shirts for us?