If your marriage survived infidelity

[Anonymous]

I stayed. It's been ten years. You don't ever trust again the way you did before, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. You learn to live with it, the way you do when someone dies. And since it happened we've gone through hell together in other ways (job loss, very serious health scares, etc) and the person DH proved to be when the chips were down showed me that I made the right choice.

A large part of our survival in the immediate aftermath was his willingness to take 200% responsibility and to get into counseling that helped him deal with the factors that lead him to infidelity in the first place.

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

I stayed and we are trying reconciliation. It is really hard. It’s been about 20 months so far of counseling. We have worked thru many issues, but still more to go. Critical for me was that my spouse (AFAIK) cut off the affair. I definitely am no closer to trusting again tho, and I fear I never will.

If it weren’t for our young children, I would have left. But I suppose I’m glad I stayed because they have been spared. Maybe it will work out. I hope so. But I really don’t know.

It’s a long hard road.

[Anonymous]

Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

And were you having sex with her while waiting? That would be very strange. I am not blaming you though. Cheaters get what they deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed and we are trying reconciliation. It is really hard. It’s been about 20 months so far of counseling. We have worked thru many issues, but still more to go. Critical for me was that my spouse (AFAIK) cut off the affair. I definitely am no closer to trusting again tho, and I fear I never will.

If it weren’t for our young children, I would have left. But I suppose I’m glad I stayed because they have been spared. Maybe it will work out. I hope so. But I really don’t know.

It’s a long hard road.

May I ask how long the affair lasted? And how long have been married? My H affair lasted 18 months and we’ve been married 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that survived cheating, are we talking about a one-off occurrence, perhaps 2? Or an affair of some duration (1 month, 6 months, a year, etc)?

My DW had an extra marital affair for over 4 months. After long discussions, we decided for marital counseling because we did have a genuine love between us and for the kids. It has been difficult because my DW was first open to marital counseling but was afraid to address the issues. It has worked in an open forum to address the issues we had and I do not regret my decision because I do love her on an "emotional" level. The real difficult part was the feelings she was dealing with during the extra marital affair and the lies she said that impact our family and kids. Marriage is hard but I know (and have faith) that our relationship will be stronger. I have learned a lot about my DW after I healed over the AP.

Good for you. My exDW had an AP that basically lasted over a year...while we tried to reconcile, repeatedly. Went to counseling, etc., but at the end of the day, she fell out of love for me and in love for her AP.

+1. Kept seeing AP during the ‘renconciliation’ so was a waste of time and $$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed and we are trying reconciliation. It is really hard. It’s been about 20 months so far of counseling. We have worked thru many issues, but still more to go. Critical for me was that my spouse (AFAIK) cut off the affair. I definitely am no closer to trusting again tho, and I fear I never will.

If it weren’t for our young children, I would have left. But I suppose I’m glad I stayed because they have been spared. Maybe it will work out. I hope so. But I really don’t know.

It’s a long hard road.

May I ask how long the affair lasted? And how long have been married? My H affair lasted 18 months and we’ve been married 10 years.

Married 15. Affair supposedly only 4 months, and this was supposedly the only one, but I don’t know if that’s true. Two children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed and we are trying reconciliation. It is really hard. It’s been about 20 months so far of counseling. We have worked thru many issues, but still more to go. Critical for me was that my spouse (AFAIK) cut off the affair. I definitely am no closer to trusting again tho, and I fear I never will.

If it weren’t for our young children, I would have left. But I suppose I’m glad I stayed because they have been spared. Maybe it will work out. I hope so. But I really don’t know.

It’s a long hard road.

May I ask how long the affair lasted? And how long have been married? My H affair lasted 18 months and we’ve been married 10 years.

18 months! That is a longtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

I was in the same boat as my youngest was 15 when my wife cheated having an affair that lasted over a year. I played the "good forgiving" husband for three years and used that time to get prepared for a divorce as soon as my youngest when off to college. Sadly, I did not have a prenup but I was able to get everything in order to exit quickly. We had agree to downsize and we sold our house very quickly with an option to rent it from the buyers for a few months. Soon after we signed that deal I rented my own place and told her I was filing. She was pretty shocked because she thought I had forgiven her. My kids knew about the affair so they weren't surprised except they wondered why I had waited three years. When they came home from college they stayed with me as they were adults and could make their own decisions. The divorce was expensive but worth it because my children saw me take the high road so we could get on with our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

Be aware that although the kids are out of the house, and feels like it's finally safe to exit, that particular timing can be hard on them. It can make them feel like the family life was a lie, and that they're responsible in some way for keeping the parents in an unhappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

Be aware that although the kids are out of the house, and feels like it's finally safe to exit, that particular timing can be hard on them. It can make them feel like the family life was a lie, and that they're responsible in some way for keeping the parents in an unhappy marriage.

It's actually a really crappy thing to do to college kids. They feel that their entire life was based on a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

Be aware that although the kids are out of the house, and feels like it's finally safe to exit, that particular timing can be hard on them. It can make them feel like the family life was a lie, and that they're responsible in some way for keeping the parents in an unhappy marriage.

It's actually a really crappy thing to do to college kids. They feel that their entire life was based on a lie.

You think it's better to do the divorce when they're in high school? Or junior high?

There's no good time for kids or parents to do a divorce. The "crappy thing to do" was the spouse who had the affair in the first place; the rest is just damage control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

Be aware that although the kids are out of the house, and feels like it's finally safe to exit, that particular timing can be hard on them. It can make them feel like the family life was a lie, and that they're responsible in some way for keeping the parents in an unhappy marriage.

It's actually a really crappy thing to do to college kids. They feel that their entire life was based on a lie.

It’s crappy. My mom divorced my dad, had planned it for years. He had an affair when I was 10. The affair was short-lived. Then he became a doting husband, and my mom “forgave” him. Now, I actually consider hers the worse betrayal. She lived a lie for 8 years, and also had myself and my older sister -as well Dad and our extended family believing her. She taught me that people don’t really forgive, and that it’s okay to use people. This wasn’t about what was best for the kids. This was about how she could best stick it to her husband. It’s been ten years since the divorce, and my sister and I don’t have much to do with her. I prefer to have people in my life who don’t lie to me for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife cheated. I waited til last child reached 18. I had a prenup, handed her papers after youngest’s 18th birthday and graduation from school. She was open mouthed, didn’t want to D. I said too bad, move. I had signed D decree 6 months later.

I feel great. Kids live with me.

How long was the time between you discovered the affair and your youngest turned 18? I don’t have a prenup but I am considering leaving after our youngest enters college.

Be aware that although the kids are out of the house, and feels like it's finally safe to exit, that particular timing can be hard on them. It can make them feel like the family life was a lie, and that they're responsible in some way for keeping the parents in an unhappy marriage.

It's actually a really crappy thing to do to college kids. They feel that their entire life was based on a lie.

It’s crappy. My mom divorced my dad, had planned it for years. He had an affair when I was 10. The affair was short-lived. Then he became a doting husband, and my mom “forgave” him. Now, I actually consider hers the worse betrayal. She lived a lie for 8 years, and also had myself and my older sister -as well Dad and our extended family believing her. She taught me that people don’t really forgive, and that it’s okay to use people. This wasn’t about what was best for the kids. This was about how she could best stick it to her husband. It’s been ten years since the divorce, and my sister and I don’t have much to do with her. I prefer to have people in my life who don’t lie to me for years.

What exactly did she lie to you about? To her husband, yes. My mother did the same thing but that was her marriage and has nothing to do with my sister and I. She did what she thought was best for us and I accept that. She really didn’t gain anything in the end. It was time lost she could have spent more happy with someone else or alone. In her case it was a very selfless act.