Did your feelings about your elderly parents change?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Mom had a tirade at me at Thanksgiving in another room over something minor. She now wears a hearing aide and had zero understanding that everyone could hear her. My husband did not realize it was as bad as I said until tonight. Mostly she reserved her tirades for when we we are alone.

[Anonymous]

I am definitely getting more protective AND more tolerant as my parents and my FIL age. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom loves to complain about my dad. The thing is she is in several clubs and pretty much put's him last on her list. He needed help printing something out for a board he is on and she berated him for it. She also nit pics him. I hate it.

I hear ya! My mother complains incessantly, during agitated rants about him. If you are to the point of saying such awful things get therapy and meds. She has a right to vent, not to be so nasty.

But do they have a right to vent to children about their husband/kids dad?! I never vent about my husband to my mom. I'm sick of hearing vents about my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You're only now realizing who they are, OP.
Some of us aren't so blind.

If you don’t know that people frequently go through personality changes as they age you don’t know much about the elderly.

Read the original post. This was years in the making. OP's parents did not change. They were always like this. It wasn't a problem until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom had a tirade at me at Thanksgiving in another room over something minor. She now wears a hearing aide and had zero understanding that everyone could hear her. My husband did not realize it was as bad as I said until tonight. Mostly she reserved her tirades for when we we are alone.

Great reason for avoiding holidays with them from now on!

[Anonymous]

Here is the reality: Life is going on for you as usual, but suddenly theirs is altered and the unpleasant reality of the situation invades their lives. They aren't gone, but it is clear life will never be the same. Life as they knew it is over, and one of them no longer has their life partner, the one person they had, in the way that they did, or their that their spouse is gone. Their friends are sick and many are dying...as if that is normal. It is very scary. Very, very scary. They are starting to visibly decline before their own eyes, and every Dr visit means more intervention or a possible dreaded diagnosis. No one wants to hear about their health concerns at the dinner table. Their fear is no different than yours if you realized presently that you and your spouse will now start the process of dying separately, and so will all of your friends, but that is OK, because it is normal and expected.

The kids come in and start making decisions for them: they suggest moving, nurses, etc. The parent's job was to give you advice, not the other way around. If the kids are taking over, it means it is real, and this is the end. Their fear is projected on to their kids in tangible and intangible ways. It's all about the fear of loss of any control over their own lives, and just plain fear in general. They begin the claw-hold to anything and everything they can, because if they don't, the plummet into the unknown will only hasten.

It is a frightening time of life, and it is isolating and relentless- with new developments happening daily or weekly. Understand the reason, and do your best to be their source of support when they need it. You will have surprisingly little control over anything for them if they do not agree, anyway. That is a sad fact..people are always surprised that they cannot just dictate a service or take the car keys away. You cannot! When they are gone, and you are out of that relentless fog of anger and resentment, and no one is saying that you did not deserve to feel that way, you will realize all this as you sort through decades of papers, pictures, and artifacts of their lives, and it will be too late to tell them what you understand now. It will too late to give them a hug to help soften the end. That's all they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally hear you OP. I have not spoken to my mother since Aug 27 and feel totally liberated.

Before this, I spoke to her several times a day and she lives in the UK.

Plus we were obliged to visit her at our expense.

No more. No more (I want to quote Edgar Allen Poe here but I forgot it - ha yes, Never more, never more).

Well, that's kind of an unintentionally ironic reference, because the Poe poem (The Raven) is about how he won't ever see his loved one again because she died. At some point, most of us will be in a "nevermore" situation with our moms.

I hear you....it may help to think about it that elderly are like kids in many ways. The cognitive function and impulse control is not always 100% there, plus the relationship of dependence is inherently challenging and frustrating. So like your kids will rage at you about some dumb thing, or will resent you for telling them they can't do something, so will elderly parents. The difference is that with kids, you are hopeful that tomorrow will be better, while with elderly parents, you anticipate tomorrow being worse. It is nature's payback for them dealing with us when we were PITA children and teens.

[Anonymous]

With my father I felt more tender and compassionate, with my mother she is still the difficult person she always was. Except now her tantrums can't be ignored because we aren't talking about how the cashier at Safeway was rude to her, but how she can contact help if she falls and no one is around.

I am duty bound to help, but her fighting everyone around her in a misplaced drive for independence is frustrating and exhausting. There is no conside re ation, only fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely getting more protective AND more tolerant as my parents and my FIL age. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

Well said, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely getting more protective AND more tolerant as my parents and my FIL age. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

Is that halo heavy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the reality: Life is going on for you as usual, but suddenly theirs is altered and the unpleasant reality of the situation invades their lives. They aren't gone, but it is clear life will never be the same. Life as they knew it is over, and one of them no longer has their life partner, the one person they had, in the way that they did, or their that their spouse is gone. Their friends are sick and many are dying...as if that is normal. It is very scary. Very, very scary. They are starting to visibly decline before their own eyes, and every Dr visit means more intervention or a possible dreaded diagnosis. No one wants to hear about their health concerns at the dinner table. Their fear is no different than yours if you realized presently that you and your spouse will now start the process of dying separately, and so will all of your friends, but that is OK, because it is normal and expected.

The kids come in and start making decisions for them: they suggest moving, nurses, etc. The parent's job was to give you advice, not the other way around. If the kids are taking over, it means it is real, and this is the end. Their fear is projected on to their kids in tangible and intangible ways. It's all about the fear of loss of any control over their own lives, and just plain fear in general. They begin the claw-hold to anything and everything they can, because if they don't, the plummet into the unknown will only hasten.

It is a frightening time of life, and it is isolating and relentless- with new developments happening daily or weekly. Understand the reason, and do your best to be their source of support when they need it. You will have surprisingly little control over anything for them if they do not agree, anyway. That is a sad fact..people are always surprised that they cannot just dictate a service or take the car keys away. You cannot! When they are gone, and you are out of that relentless fog of anger and resentment, and no one is saying that you did not deserve to feel that way, you will realize all this as you sort through decades of papers, pictures, and artifacts of their lives, and it will be too late to tell them what you understand now. It will too late to give them a hug to help soften the end. That's all they want.

Thank you, PP—very well put. I'm saving this to refer back to often as I'm now on this journey with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely getting more protective AND more tolerant as my parents and my FIL age. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

Is that halo heavy?

No. It lifts me up above the fray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the reality: Life is going on for you as usual, but suddenly theirs is altered and the unpleasant reality of the situation invades their lives. They aren't gone, but it is clear life will never be the same. Life as they knew it is over, and one of them no longer has their life partner, the one person they had, in the way that they did, or their that their spouse is gone. Their friends are sick and many are dying...as if that is normal. It is very scary. Very, very scary. They are starting to visibly decline before their own eyes, and every Dr visit means more intervention or a possible dreaded diagnosis. No one wants to hear about their health concerns at the dinner table. Their fear is no different than yours if you realized presently that you and your spouse will now start the process of dying separately, and so will all of your friends, but that is OK, because it is normal and expected.

The kids come in and start making decisions for them: they suggest moving, nurses, etc. The parent's job was to give you advice, not the other way around. If the kids are taking over, it means it is real, and this is the end. Their fear is projected on to their kids in tangible and intangible ways. It's all about the fear of loss of any control over their own lives, and just plain fear in general. They begin the claw-hold to anything and everything they can, because if they don't, the plummet into the unknown will only hasten.

It is a frightening time of life, and it is isolating and relentless- with new developments happening daily or weekly. Understand the reason, and do your best to be their source of support when they need it. You will have surprisingly little control over anything for them if they do not agree, anyway. That is a sad fact..people are always surprised that they cannot just dictate a service or take the car keys away. You cannot! When they are gone, and you are out of that relentless fog of anger and resentment, and no one is saying that you did not deserve to feel that way, you will realize all this as you sort through decades of papers, pictures, and artifacts of their lives, and it will be too late to tell them what you understand now. It will too late to give them a hug to help soften the end. That's all they want.

Thank you, PP—very well put. I'm saving this to refer back to often as I'm now on this journey with my parents.

+1

Try true, racially the last part, PP.

[Anonymous]

Very true especially the last part - autocorrect?