How did you stay close with your tween/teen daughters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a HS senior and 10 year old.

Realize that your DD's won't tell you everything as they get older. The problem is for them to tell you the big stuff- you can't react. Take a common teen problem- your child goes to a party with drugs/alcohol. You can take two approaches 1.) tell your kid how to navigate situations like this/ but not be judgmental 2.) forbid them from ever going to parties at that person's house again.

I've opted for approach number 2. My DD knows if she ever attended a party where they did drugs/alcohol and I found out- she'd never be allowed back to that house.

Will she ever attend a party where someone is doing drugs/alcohol in HS? Probably. Will she tell me? No.

In this situation, you have two bad choices as a parent. You can either have your child tell you everything and not react (which implies a certain level of acceptance) or tell them no and risk them going behind your back.

My philosophy is option #2- which I realized has its own risks. However, I feel like option #1 is a slippery slope.

Option #2 works only if you have an overall good relationship with your child (isn't rebellious), know your children's friends etc. My DD would be the kid who would make up an excuse to leave early etc.

So TLDR- Have a great relationship with your child, stand firm on the BIG stuff but realize they won't tell you everything.

Trust me - with this #2 attitude your kid isn’t telling you anything.

The time to be teaching values , communication and having positive friendships is well before the teen years. Then you can sit back and see if any of it got through or not. You don’t do it by enforcing discipline and firm rules in the teen years - that’s just not going to work out. Your teen is growing up and making his or her own decisions and at this point you are gently guiding them, not imprisoning them in your home.

[Anonymous]

I have 14 and 12 year old girls. We are very close.

I disagree with the poster about playing it cool. I am not cool about things. I am hardcore about trying your best at school, respecting adults, being kind and being honest. That may seem like it might cause distance, but what does is provide stability. My kids know where they stand. They also get positive feedback from teachers and friends, so they see these are not just arbitrary rules.

I am also very open and honest about the mistakes I've made and my flaws. I apologize if I overreact. I don't act like I'm perfect.

My kids know I have their back. If there is some issue with a friend or a teacher or a school, I believe them. (Though, sometimes this is about perspective, and if that's the case, we work on viewing it differently together). But, my kids know I believe them and believe in them. (I don't hesitate to compliment them when they do something well).

I totally agree about getting to know their friends. I teach arts related classes and have a good rapport with kids. I use a lot of humor, often self deprecating when it comes to coolness. I know I'm old. I do the same with my kids' friends. I make a point of talking to them person to person. My kids have really nice friends. They even tell me that their friends think I'm cool -- what?!?!

My kids and I talk about everything. I try to listen and make them feel heard, even when we disagree. We talk about their friends. We talk about hard stuff and boring stuff. We talk about politics, math and the arts.

My relationship with my mom was very traditional. She was old school, and I hid stuff from her because she wouldn't understand. She never complimented me and always took the other side in a conflict (I huess her thought was that she could only fix me). I stopped bringing problems to her, didn't confide in her, and lued to her. I don't want that with my kids. I prize honesty and openness. I let them know that I might be mad, but I will always live them, and we will figure it out together. (And, I add that I will be madder if they keep things from me or lie to me. They already think I'm kind of in the psychic friends network because I read the so well!!)

I wish you the best, OP. I hope we both continue to have great relationships with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a HS senior and 10 year old.

Realize that your DD's won't tell you everything as they get older. The problem is for them to tell you the big stuff- you can't react. Take a common teen problem- your child goes to a party with drugs/alcohol. You can take two approaches 1.) tell your kid how to navigate situations like this/ but not be judgmental 2.) forbid them from ever going to parties at that person's house again.

I've opted for approach number 2. My DD knows if she ever attended a party where they did drugs/alcohol and I found out- she'd never be allowed back to that house.

Will she ever attend a party where someone is doing drugs/alcohol in HS? Probably. Will she tell me? No.

In this situation, you have two bad choices as a parent. You can either have your child tell you everything and not react (which implies a certain level of acceptance) or tell them no and risk them going behind your back.

My philosophy is option #2- which I realized has its own risks. However, I feel like option #1 is a slippery slope.

Option #2 works only if you have an overall good relationship with your child (isn't rebellious), know your children's friends etc. My DD would be the kid who would make up an excuse to leave early etc.

So TLDR- Have a great relationship with your child, stand firm on the BIG stuff but realize they won't tell you everything.

Trust me - with this #2 attitude your kid isn’t telling you anything.

The time to be teaching values , communication and having positive friendships is well before the teen years. Then you can sit back and see if any of it got through or not. You don’t do it by enforcing discipline and firm rules in the teen years - that’s just not going to work out. Your teen is growing up and making his or her own decisions and at this point you are gently guiding them, not imprisoning them in your home.

Your child won’t tell you anything bc you forbid them from attending parties at a house that hosted a party with drugs and alcohol? Certainly some kids will fall in that camp but not every kid by far.

[Anonymous]

I have always spoken honestly and openly to my now 13 year old daughter about everything. I listen to her and take her issues seriously (have never laughed that something she said was cute).

However, I know we are headed for some secretive and rough years ahead! She is an only child and she and DH are exceptionally close. Hopefully because it has always been the three of us together - living in NYC, then Europe and now DC - we have the groundwork for solid trust. Don’t know if that will help or hurt.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice above. But, you need to know that your kids likely will pull back from you and they should. It's normal teen development to start valuing their peers' opinions more than yours. You stay present, but you've got to accept a more background role in their lives of they will resent your over-involvement. Be ready to develop your own hobbies . . .

Second pick a few things that are important and enforce rules about those. Teeens need to develop independence so you've got to give them the space to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. We picked a school whose first message to kids is that your parents come first because they care about you the most - we partner with them to educate you. And they walk that walk.

2. I talk to her about everything. Sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, good stuff and bad. When something sucks, I acknowledge it sucks. When she complains about something I listen and don’t tell her how to feel (even when I really want to). I don’t let her cycle - once she has had her say about a problem I ask her how she wants to solve it. I also tell her when I have made mistakes or why I made certain decisions and what I think I could have done better and that despite all of my shortcomings I ended up ok. I also try new things and fail in front of her. I fall over in yoga class. I laugh when I get the wrong make up shade. I shrug my shoulders and make sandwiches when my dinner recipe is awful. I hope to let her see that mistakes are ok. So many teenage girls think they can never make a mistake.

3. I say no a lot. She knows where I stand on important issues. She knows I will call parents to check on party plans. She knows that there will be no alcohol or drugs tolerate by her guests in our house. She knows that I expect to see effort and that if I see it she won’t be penalized for a low grade. She seems to appreciate this and has come to me a couple of times with concerns about classmates beginning to experiment with drug use. And she has a delightful group of friends who seem to be very comfortable eating me out of house and home and making my Netflix subscription worthwhile. They are adorable and I will miss them terribly when they leave for college.

4. We watch a tv show together and have been doing this since middle school. I pick a show and we watch all the seasons of it and then she picks. This has been a surprising bonding experience.

I just told my husband tonight that she never stops talking to me. I will miss her desperately when she leaves for college which will be soon. She says she will miss us a lot too, but no offense she will also not miss us too.

You are one lucky parent !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. We picked a school whose first message to kids is that your parents come first because they care about you the most - we partner with them to educate you. And they walk that walk.

2. I talk to her about everything. Sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, good stuff and bad. When something sucks, I acknowledge it sucks. When she complains about something I listen and don’t tell her how to feel (even when I really want to). I don’t let her cycle - once she has had her say about a problem I ask her how she wants to solve it. I also tell her when I have made mistakes or why I made certain decisions and what I think I could have done better and that despite all of my shortcomings I ended up ok. I also try new things and fail in front of her. I fall over in yoga class. I laugh when I get the wrong make up shade. I shrug my shoulders and make sandwiches when my dinner recipe is awful. I hope to let her see that mistakes are ok. So many teenage girls think they can never make a mistake.

3. I say no a lot. She knows where I stand on important issues. She knows I will call parents to check on party plans. She knows that there will be no alcohol or drugs tolerate by her guests in our house. She knows that I expect to see effort and that if I see it she won’t be penalized for a low grade. She seems to appreciate this and has come to me a couple of times with concerns about classmates beginning to experiment with drug use. And she has a delightful group of friends who seem to be very comfortable eating me out of house and home and making my Netflix subscription worthwhile. They are adorable and I will miss them terribly when they leave for college.

4. We watch a tv show together and have been doing this since middle school. I pick a show and we watch all the seasons of it and then she picks. This has been a surprising bonding experience.

I just told my husband tonight that she never stops talking to me. I will miss her desperately when she leaves for college which will be soon. She says she will miss us a lot too, but no offense she will also not miss us too.

This sounds exactly like my mom and baby sister - they have a fabulous relationship. Mine is a bit more fraught with both of them due to different personalities (they are very similar), but 3 & 4 certainly applied when I was growing up, too (we watched Ally McBeal - live as it aired - in the era before DVR and streaming!).

[Anonymous]

There's some really good moms here. Keep the advice coming!

[Anonymous]

Love them. Give them roots and wings. Study the eagle. This bird really has got it down pat. Be with them, enjoy them, listen and share what of your own life is appropriate. It is all about the relationship, the trust that is established both ways. They have to trust you and you have to trust them. It is a wonderful opportunity and a very special time of life as you get to share in the launching of their lives. Prepare them and let them practice with you in on the sideline as their encourager and cheerleader. I am praying for you as spend this wonderful time of life with your DDs. Blessing to you and your family.